Raising Men

Practical Tools for Navigating Big Behaviors with Tosha Schore

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Description

Tosha Schore is a parent educator, author, and the founder of Parenting Boys Peacefully. She specializes in helping parents navigate the "bad guy myth" by reframing boy aggression as a signal of fear rather than a character flaw. Tosha provides practical tools for building deep connections and setting loving limits.

5 Key Takeaways:

  1. Reframing aggression as a communication of fear or lack of safety.
  2. The transformative power of the "Special Time" practice.
  3. Identifying patterns and signs before meltdowns occur.
  4. Setting "loving limits" rather than using punitive consequences.
  5. Using strategic, rough-and-tumble play to breed connection.
"Aggression... it’s not a sign of a bad kid, so to speak, but a signal of a frightened one.""I’m a big like 'zip your mouth shut' coach... 99.9% of the time when we try to like name the feeling... it doesn’t land.""Our strategy is let’s start with our own sweet boys inside our own four walls. If we can create change there... that has a ripple effect."

00:00 — Why Shame Stops Working

00:36 — Shame Is Not a Parenting Tool

01:14 — Welcome to Raising Men

01:43 — Why Aggression Triggers Fear in Parents

02:14 — Aggression as a Signal, Not a Character Flaw

02:54 — The Fear Cycle Between Parents and Kids

03:03 — Parents Must Regulate First

03:43 — You Can Change Your Parenting Patterns

04:54 — How One Dad Broke the Aggression Cycle

05:37 — When Yelling Makes Everything Worse

06:00 — Empty Toolboxes Lead to Harsh Reactions

06:23 — Aggression as Communication

06:50 — Responding With Curiosity Instead of Control

07:17 — Start With Yourself First

07:49 — “Good Enough” Parenting

08:35 — Building Support Before Crisis Hits

09:02 — Strengthening Connection With Your Son

09:19 — Boys Are Treated Differently From Birth

10:25 — When School Punishment Escalates

11:00 — Safety First, Relationship Second

12:19 — Repairing Relationships After Conflict

13:11 — Why Repair Builds Resilience

14:02 — Special Time Builds Connection

15:16 — Why Special Time Works

16:46 — Letting Kids Lead During Special Time

17:42 — When Kids Start Asking for Connection

18:40 — Connection vs Independence

19:25 — Identifying Aggression Patterns

20:01 — Aggression Is Never Random

20:49 — Screen Time and Aggression

21:26 — Setting Loving Limits

22:35 — Giving Kids Choices Around Limits

23:41 — Why Punishment Often Backfires

24:32 — Stop Lecturing During Meltdowns

25:34 — Conan Brain vs Sherlock Brain

26:33 — “He Can’t, Not He Won’t”

27:34 — Treat Emotional Injuries Like Physical Ones

28:16 — Is There Ever a Place for Shame?

29:00 — Why Chronic Shame Makes Things Worse

30:00 — Supporters as Accountability, Not Punishment

31:16 — Bringing Aggression Out of the Shadows

32:43 — Connection Over Control

33:02 — Play as a Tool for Regulation

34:26 — Rough-and-Tumble Play Builds Bonding

35:47 — Play Is Not Condoning Behavior

36:50 — Helping Parents Get Comfortable With Play

38:16 — Where to Get Help for Aggression

39:01 — Out With Aggression Program

40:23 — Parenting Boys Peacefully Community

41:50 — Final Reflections on Connection

Books & Tools:

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