PODCAST #76:
Get comfortable with discomfort
Experiences recently of feeling uncomfortable.
Max, not my story to share, but feeling their pain and struggles. It is not the most comfortable to listen to someones raw pain. But it expanded my mind, my perspective and most of all my heart. I learned how to love better.
Suicide prevention month. September is often filled with social media posts about statistics and such surrounding suicide. That is great, but only if it brings awareness and inspires action. That is the easy work with suicide prevention. Suicide is not an easy topic to bring up, its dark and messy and complex. It feels scary to talk about. It feels scary to talk about with your kids. But doing the real work isn’t comfortable, because it’s not a comfortable topic especially for those who are suffering. it is sitting with people in their pain. It is allowing them to share their darkest thoughts with you. It is sitting in the discomfort and supporting someone in their lonliest places. Because I promise you that the discomfort you are feeling surrounding it, is nothing compared to the hell people are going through who are living with those dark thoughts and the pain that they would be better of not being on this earth.
I listened to a podcast yesterday by Glennon Doyle and her team with Dr. Becky Kennedy who I know as drbeckyatgoodinside on Instagram. It was mind blowing. I highly recommend listening (language warning). They talk about how as parents we don’t like to feel uncomfortable, our kids behaviors trigger us and we don’t like to feel that way.
Why do we not like feeling uncomfortable? I have found that many of us were raised not being allowed to express our sadness, anger, frustration. We were sent away to our room or punished or told that we just needed to smile and be happy. None of these things taught us that our emotions and discomfort is okay and its part of being human. So when our children express their own big emotions, it feels SUPER uncomfortable for us and sometimes we don’t know how to process it or support them. Society and church and family can really discourage us from showing our difficult emotions because it’s uncomfortable for them. Because if we had more faith or optimism or positive mental attitude, then we could just be happy!
Well the purpose of life isn’t just to be happy. The purpose of life is to feel the wide range of emotions. ONe of the most important things we can teach our kids is how to feel and process those uncomfortable feelings. I have asked many parents I have worked with what their job is as a parent and many have said it’s to make sure their kids have a happy life. Well guess what? That isn’t you job because you can’t control their emotions. We need to realize It is OKAY for them to be sad, disappointed, angry etc. If we don’t like seeing them that way, then we need to dig deep internally about why that is. I’m guessing its a childhood wound we can work on healing. We didn’t have people who validated us and saw us and could sit in our pain with us (which is indicative of their emotional wounds)
Dr. Becky talks about how to parent in connected, respectful ways AND how to hold boundaries. Our kids are going to feel disappointed, mad, frustrated with us A LOT. That’s okay, it’s okay for them to feel it. It’s okay for them to express it…even in uncomfortable ways like I HATE YOU, YOU’RE THE WORST PARENT EVER (5/5 of my kids have said those things to me). Instead of sending them away or punishing or screaming back at them. We can say something like, “It sounds like you are having a hard time and feeling some big emotions. Its okay to feel that way. I am here for you when you want to talk about it.” Staying calm (which isn’t comfortable or easy), validating them and supporting them in their struggle is so key.
Dr. Becky says the most important words a parent can say or convey are I BELIEVE YOU. Or I see you.
Another example for teenagers could be wanting to go to a party or out with friends you don’t feel comfortable with. 1. Validate…wow it sounds like you are excited about this party. I believe you taht all the cool kids will be there and that is sounds like fun. 2 AND (the power of and) I’m not comfortable with you going because I’ve heard about some of the things that happen at those parties and I don’t think its safe. 3. Partner with them (this may have to be later after they feel their feelings about telling them no.) What are some other options this weekend to hang out with your friends? I know you enjoy being with people and having fun on the weekends. i’m happy to have them over here and get pizza or take you bowling or something. Let me know.
I would say the most important skill we can learn as parents is EMPATHY, listening to our kids, believing them, recognizing they are struggling and digging deep and embracing them.
A few years ago I set a goal to read books that were written about people vastly different than I am. I read books of people from different races, countries and cultures, about addicts, people in different religions and sexual identities. It wasn’t always comfortable for me, but it was eye opening and heart expanding. Reading and especially really listening to people’s stories of struggle, of heartache, of pain, of self discovery, of addiction etc. isn’t always easy but the rewards are incredible. Books are great for this, as are podcasts, but the real reward comes from sitting face to face with someone and looking them in the eyes and saying I BELIEVE YOU, I SEE YOU. I am willing to sit in my discomfort to witness yours and ease your burdens.
I am so thankful for my journey of not only reading about people who are different from me, but really sitting and listening to them face to face. Sitting in their pain with them, allowing the discomfort to pass through me to get to the connection that comes when we are willing to open our hearts and minds. Vulnerability is key being vulnerable to pain and discomfort is such a mind and heart expanding experience.
You don’t have to look far for people who need someone to sit in their pain with them. They may be right in front of you, in your own home. They may be a next door neighbor or a long time friend or a church member or your mom or sister. It isn’t easy especially at first. YOu may want to solve their issue, you may want to give advice, you may want to tell them how to do their life differently. However that’s likely not what they need unless they ask you for it. Bite your tongue and listen, even if it’s hard to hear. Even if they are pushing against your core beliefs, even if they are making choices you don’t appreciate. Listen to your kids when the only way they can express their pain and struggles are to tell you they hate you. Recognize it’s not about you and when things are calm, find time to connect with them and talk about better ways to communicate. Let them know you can handle their pain
This is called true empathy and those empathy muscles can be strengthened by listening to others, not judging and being willing to be uncomfortable. Brene Brown the queen of empathy says this, “Empathy is communicating that incredibly healing message of “You’re not alone.”
I challenge you this week to just listen to someone. When your child is having a hard time, don’t preach, don’t try to be right, don’t dismiss them. EMPATHIZE. LISTEN. Help them know they aren’t alone.
