Show Notes
Episode 6: The Differences Between Open vs. Closed Adoption
In this Episode Heather discusses:
Links Mentioned: fortheloveofadoption.com
Adoption. It's surrounded with so much confusion and misinformation. And how many people never move forward with adoption because of this. Hi, I'm Heather. I'm not an adoption coach or consultant, and I'm not within adoption agency. I'm a mom to two amazing kids I've been blessed with through adoption. And on this journey, I've learned and continue to learn a lot. Most of all, I believe that if God has put adoption on your heart, it's there for a reason. And you shouldn't let all the stuff keep you from jumping in. I'm here to offer you hope and encouragement, and to talk about everything from types of adoption, things to know before you adopt, funding your adoption including grants, the home study process, making the most of your adoption wait, talking to your kids about adoption, and so much more. Adoption can be hard, but many of the best things in life often are. You know what, though? It can also be amazing! I'm here to share what I've learned. I hope hearing from someone that's gone this road before you encourages and motivates you to take a step of faith and see where it leads. I'm doing this all for the love of adoption. Let's dive in.
Hello, and welcome to episode six of the For the Love of Adoption Show.
I am really excited to dive into this topic today because it is so important. And, this is one of the things that there's a lot of confusion around and I really just want to share some things with you that I hope will help clear up some things in relation to open and close adoption. So, we're going to talk about open versus closed adoption. So, when making the decision to adopt one factor to consider is if you are going to be open to open adoption, or if you are going to be moving forward with closed adoption. So, what exactly is the difference? And how do you decide what is right for you and your family?
First of all, let's talk about open adoption. An open adoption involves some degree of a relationship between the adoptive family and the birth family. This may just be with the birth mom, or it could include birth dad or even extended family. In open adoption, some identifiable information such as names may be shared, and it's up to you or you and the agency to work together to help establish boundaries. In the beginning, based on everyone's preferences, many times what's decided upon will be put into writing. So identifiable information might include first and last names, address, phone number, email address, and more. Or it could be as simple as first names and a private email address you set up that's just for you and the birth parents or the birth mom. Contact may include emails, text messaging, visits, etc.
Some adoptions are more open than others or become more open as the relationship builds. And in that case, it could include visits. It could maybe be at the Agency office if you're using an agency. It could be a neutral location, like a park, or if you get to a certain point, it could even be in your home. But prior to the 80s open adoption was much less common. And it might just be that it was before the impact of birth parents and adoptees was really understood. But in addition, there was a fear that many associated with open adoption. I can identify with this because I was this way at first.
However, over the last couple of decades, open adoption has become much more popular. And birth moms overall are more interested in this option. They will often request an adoptive family that is comfortable with this dynamic. The type of contact might be limited, but often some level of contact is desired. And it's really important to know that things might change. A birth parent may decide it's too hard and stop communicating. Or there might be other factors that come into play or it might be the opposite, where you start with very minimal contact, maybe just first names and email address. And then you start to get closer, and that relationship deepens and maybe start doing meetings.
It's a really hard decision she's making and people can cope with it in different ways. So it's very important to be respectful of her and see you know what she wants and how she wants to go if you are okay with an open adoption. But because open adoption can look different in every adoption, there isn't one specific definition It really comes down to the wishes and the agreements made between the biological and the adoptive parents. In a fully open adoption, the biological family would most likely have direct contact with the child through methods such as email, phone calls, and visits. And of course, the adoptive parents are involved in these interactions. If anything wasn't in the best interest of the child, then you could obviously decide to modify that contact. You always would want to keep the child's interest at heart if there was something that was truly not healthy. So that's open adoption.
In a closed adoption, there's little or no identifying information that's exchanged. And some birth parents may not even want to meet the adoptive parents. Many times adopted children want to learn about their birth family later. A closed adoption can make that more difficult. It seems though, to be in general now that closed adoptions usually present more negatives. And a good agency really should encourage the birth mother to request the amount of contact that she truly desires. As an advocate for her, they must consider her best interest as well as the child's and once these preferences have been defined, the agency's job is to work to match adoptive families and birth parents that desire the same level of communication. And this is often accomplished by allowing the birth mother or the birth parents to look through hopeful adoptive parents' profiles. And that could be in the form of a physical book or online, but to look through those who have agreed to the level of communication that she hopes to have.
Are you wanting to learn more about newborn adoption and how that works? That is the type of adoption that we pursued. And I have created a 12-step guide to adopting a newborn. This can just help you know what steps you need to take in order to jump into this type of adoption. It can be overwhelming, but when you know what you need to do, what's step one, and then what is step two, it can go so far in helping you dive into this journey and really start making progress toward this dream. So again, I've created a free download that you can get in my resource library. To help you with this, just go to fortheloveofadoption.com. And scroll to the bottom of the homepage, you'll see an option there to get into the resource library. And you will get this download as well as many others to help you on your adoption journey. I know stepping into adoption, and particularly newborn adoption can be overwhelming. But I know this is just going to help you feel a little more prepared and know what you need to do to get started. So, go grab that free download today.
Now, there are really pros and cons to both open and closed adoption. The biggest benefit to open adoption is most likely the connection your child could have with their biological parents. This is probably the biggest benefit. This can be especially important as your child grows up, and they're trying to determine who they are and understand their identity. It's hard being someone who's not adopted to really understand that. So, you really have to try to step out of your shoes and imagine not knowing where you came from. This is a big deal. It can take so much of the mystery out of the adoption and help them get answers to questions that they are sure to have. And another practical benefit is that if you have a relationship with a biological parent if you ever have any medical questions, you can simply go ask them. It's really important to understand that an open adoption in no way takes away from your rights as an adoptive parent. It is an addition, not a subtraction. Open adoption is a way to keep the tie between your child and their biological family. If that relationship can be maintained in a healthy manner, it can be an amazing benefit to both your child and your entire family. And I personally would go as far as to say, if that relationship can be maintained in a healthy manner, it's our responsibility to foster that and not to take that away from them.
Now closed adoption in comparison, closed adoption is when your family will have no contact with a biological family. So, on the surface, this may sound appealing in some ways. My advice is if you feel this way, just analyze why it's appealing. Is it because it's what you feel is best? Is it really what you feel is best for whatever reason for you and more importantly, your future adopted child? If it is, it may be a good time to think and pray about what God's best is. And just make sure this isn't a decision being made out of fear. In the past, people often chose closed adoption, but again open adoption is now becoming much more common and from what I've seen, it's the norm now,
I think it's because when a family researches, really researches they realize the benefits typically outweigh the cons. However, you might find some birth parents that prefer closed adoption. We have friends who've never met their child's biological parents because that was the birth mother's wish, not theirs. They would love to have an open adoption, but it's just not an option for them. At least not at this time.
Again, you really have to look at the pros and cons. The benefits of an open adoption can include your child having the opportunity to learn about their biological parents, which can remove a lot of the questions and mystery. It can help them with their identity and their self-confidence, protection for your child against a sense of abandonment. The ability of your child to communicate with their birth family can help limit the sense of abandonment that many adopted children often do experience this. It takes away an absence of a need to search. If your child already has a relationship with their birth family, it eliminates their need to search and an open dialog about any medical issues that may arise. Sibling connections, there's a chance your child may have siblings they would not otherwise have the chance to know if open adoption is not chosen. It gives them affirmation. In an open adoption, it's typical that the birth parents choose you. So, knowing that you met them in person, and you were the ones they chose, can add to the feeling of certainty that this child was meant for you. It can reduce some fear for some adoptive families, the uncertainty surrounding the birth parents can be heavy. With open adoption, the communication with the birth parent can help ease any apprehension. And in transracial adoption, a connection to the birth parents can provide your child with an important connection to learn about their ethnicity.
With that said, how exactly does open adoption work? Again, it can vary for each family. You might agree on annual updates and photos or perhaps even regular phone calls or visits. It's really again, up to the birth and adoptive family, often with the help of an agency to define these parameters. The goal is that everyone involved is as happy as possible with the agreement and that it is in the best interest of the child. So, in our case, we have an open adoption with our children's birth mom. And for us, this is very relaxed. It started with an email account set up just for us to send pictures to her regularly and us agreeing to meet a couple of times a year. But it grew to the point where we've now exchanged personal phone numbers and we text rather than email, always texting her new pictures. And we're completely comfortable with that. It took us a couple of years before we got to that point. But we're good with it. Now, we also do visits when it works. We even went to an amusement park this summer, and it was so much fun. We never push. We leave the decision up to her. And sometimes she'll reach out to see how we're doing and see when we can get together, and we'll get something planned.
A good idea is to talk to your adoption professional or the agency you're working with so that you can really ask any questions you have. And also talking to other families that have an open adoption can be a great way to learn more. Just remember that just because one adoptive family's open adoption looks a certain way, that doesn't mean that's what yours is going to look like. And the good news is that you get to help determine what you want the agreement to look like.
So next time, we are actually going to dive into advantages to the birth parents, advantages to the adoptive parents, as well as the adopted children, and disadvantages to all of these. So, I think that once you hear that as well, it's going to really give you a full picture of open versus closed adoption. So, if you're on the fence trying to make a decision, this can help explain a bit more and help you choose what's right for your family. So, I look forward to diving into that conversation with you next week.
Thanks so much for listening in today. And did you know that I offer a full library of free resources to help you along on your adoption journey, and I'm always adding more. This includes downloads of grant recommendations, adoption fundraising ideas, an agency questionnaire, a hospital checklist, and much more. You can find that by going to ForTheLoveOfAdoption.com and scrolling to the bottom of the homepage. And if you have an idea for something you'd love to see added to this library, please send me a message and let me know. I'm always looking for ways to help you on your adoption journey. If you enjoy Instagram, be sure to find me there @fortheloveofadoption, where I love to hang out and share live videos and plenty of adoption tips. I'm always excited to support you in your adoption journey. See you next time.
