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A lot of what I am going to cover comes from It’s OK that you’re not OK by Megan Devine.
This is not going to be a deep dive, so I encourage you all to buy and read the book (Website).I also want to point out that this is a book about the loss of a loved one. I fully understand that admitting I am an alcoholic is not the same as my wife drowning in front of me, but this is a book about loss, and I have experienced loss.This shitty disease took from me the person I used to be. The same way finding out you have cancer changed your life from that point on.I happen to like the person I have become, but that doesn’t mean it wasn’t hard and I also understand that others may be having a much harder time dealing with it.This book can be used for all kinds of loss, and it does it a disservice if it is type casted as a book for only those who have lost someone.Not all losses are created equal. The loss of a child is different than the loss of a grandparent the same way the loss of who you used to be is different.I also want to state, that this episode is not just for you. A good part of this episode is for your friends and family. I’ve never done this before, but if you feel it would help I would ask that you ask your friends and family to listen to this episode. Hell, I actually feel most of my episodes would be good for anyone to listen to, but I am hoping these helps alleviate some stress for you too.
I’m going to break this episode down into 4 parts that loosely follow the book.
You’ve admitted you an alcoholic, now what (coming to terms)Sometimes shit just sucks!A message for Friends and familyThe way forward with your tribe.
First a little bit about Megan Devine.
She was a counselor for over a decadeIn 2009 she watched her partner drown just before his 30th birthday.After she wanted to call all of her clients and apologize for her ignoranceNothing could have prepared her, and nothing she had learned mattered.
You’ve admitted you’re an alcoholic, now what?
Reality of loss sets inEverything is different nowNothing makes senseYour life was normal, but now it is anything butNothing feels realYour mind cannot stop replaying events to try make senseBecause you feel crazy doesn’t make you crazyThere is only so much you can absorb at a timeWe need to know how to live hereLittle land minesYou don’t just loose the present, you lose the future you should have hadTrips to the grocery storeNo wonder grief is so exhaustingIt’s not the actual pain of loss it’s the sheer number of tiny things to be avoided or planned for.The need to just not talkSmart people have started to try take away your painWhat the outside world believes and what you know to be true can be the hardest partWondering if others are nuts or if you are too sensitive adds another layer of stressThere really is something not comforting in the ways people are trying to comfort youPeople are saying the sweetest things, why does this make you angryEveryone has their opinionIn early recovery you feel crazy, but it’s the culture that is crazy. It’s not you it’s usOur views on grief are almost all negative. Something to be taken away.There is no room for your pain to just existMaybe you feel aloneWhat does matter is that you are not alone feeling the world had failed you
Suicide
Surviving early grief is a massive effortWhat to do when the pain is too much?Not wanting to be alive is different than wanting to be deadIt’s hard to tell none grieving people that.You simply don’t careNeed to find a way to get through these momentsMake a pact with another alcoholicRemind yourself of the consequences – Play the tape forwardAnything to get through these times.Please stay alive! Do it for others if you must.Please reach out for help. Suicide Prevention Lifeline – 1-800-273-TALK (8255)Acknowledgement is the only form of medicine that works
Sometimes Shit just sucks!
We have been taught it is something we need to get overGreif is seen as a malady that needs to be cleaned upNo matter what anyone else says this sucksWhat is lost cannot be restoredYou are in pain, and it cannot be made betterThere is pain you cannot be cheered out ofYou need someone to see your painCannot be fixed. It can only be carriedTelling the truth is the only way forward. This is as bad as you think it isPeople are responding as poorly as you thinkGrief is something to get through as quickly as possibleI cannot tell you that things are going to be okay, that everything will work out.This is not about fixing youThis is how you live inside your lossWe behave as if grief is something to get out of as soon as possibleHeal the pain, fix the pain, takeaway the painRather than a natural response to lossGreif is visceral not reasonable. It doesn’t follow stages or timelines.
Stages
Stuck in GriefPeople think you are stuck unless they think you are happyPeople think this should last a couple of months at mostConsidered a disorder if it last longer than 6 mos.Medicalizing grief is crazy and does no goodMost are taught the 5 stages of grief.As if there is only one way to grieveBut the stages don’t fitDenial, anger, bargaining, depression, acceptanceYou need to move forward through them in order and quickly or you are doing them wrongGreif is not linear, and this was not the intention of these stages.They were meant to normalize what someone may feelThey were not meant to create a cage.Cannot force an order on painCannot make grief tidy or predictableThere is no pattern, there are no stages!It is an individual experience
Butterflies, Rainbow’s, and the culture of transformation
Things always work out for the bestMovies are always movies of transformation. We demand a happy endingWe believe in fairytalesBad things happen, but we come out better for themGloss over the shitty partIf you don’t transform and find something beautiful you have failed. And you must do it quickly.We don’t want to hear some things cannot be fixedSome things we just learn to live withWe need to redefine the endingThe new heroes endingLooked for stories of pain and lossWhat she found was how to fix it. How to get out of painWe have no stories of how to live in itWe don’t need stories of how to get out of it, rather how to live in it.Greif happensPain is not always redeemedBeing brave is staying present, waking to each day, standing at the abyss, and not turning away. Letting pain take up as much space as it needsBy allowing your pain to exist you change it somehow.Allowing you pain to breath helpsThere isn’t anything you need to do with you pain, it simply is. Let it existThat is so different than trying to get yourself out of it.Bearing witness won’t fix anything and it changes everythingWhisper yes instead of trying to scream noCare for yourself the best you canMostly, may you to your sad self… be kindAssumptions… Everyone has themPeople will make all sorts of assumptionsTrying to solve problems we don’t actually haveSo often we are told by people outside of our experience, what that experience is like for us.What it means, what it feels like, what it should feel likeThen offer support based on their viewsTempting to write everyone off. No one gets itYou can’t solve grief, but you don’t need to sufferKnowing the difference between pain and sufferingReducing suffering while honoring pain is the core of this bookDeciding who warrants care and effortDeciding who warrants your time and energy and who to ignoreIf you can’t find the time and energy to inform… let me. Use this podcastWe can educate them together
For friends and family
It’s not your fault you don’t know what to do
I’m not afraid to say what millions of grieving people are thinkingYou are not helping… if you are trying to fix thisIf someone truly want to help you they have to be willing to hear what doesn’t helpWilling to feel the discomfortOpen to feed backOtherwise, you are not interested in helping, rather being seen as helpfulFriends and family are most useful when they help us to carry our pain, and not trying to fix something that isn’t broken.Just because grief cannot be fixed doesn’t mean there isn’t something for your support team to do.you can make this better, even if you cannot make it right.Those that try to help often end up hurtingGrief is not a problem to be solved. It is an experience to be carried.It isn’t an illness to be curedLooking for companionship not correction is the way forwardShifting from grief as a problem to solve to an experience needing supportStart by just saying I’m hearTrying to help can make it worseThe problem is we have been taught the wrong way to helpRehumanize grief, knowing it is a natural processTend to pain without solving itGrief is a natural response to lossAcknowledgement is everythingWe feel judged shamed and corrected in our griefEncouraged to get over itWhy words of comfort feel so badIt’s incredibly had to watch someone in pain.You’ll feel better someday, it won’t always feel this bad, better days are aheadThey will tell you about their losses as if everyone’s pain is the sameAs if anyone else’s pain makes your feel betterFrom close friends to casual acquaintances everyone tries to make it betterBut instead of feeling better man feel shamed shunned and dismissedThose trying to help feel unappreciated, unwantedNo one gets what they want
What not to do
Platitudes – Come off as dismissiveEverything happens for a reason…You can try channel your pain…Your going to be stronger for having been through thisDon’t start any sentence with At Least…Cheerleading solves nothingMakes them think no one understandsThis isn’t a papercutThey didn’t need this to happenGrief is not something to get through as soon as possiblePlatitudes do not work hereThey want so badly to make this betterBy trying to solve you’re their pain you are not giving the support needed.
