Trauma is devastating. Whether it's emotional trauma, sexual trauma, the loss of a loved one, a home or a job, trauma hurts. Women worldwide deal with it, yet so often we just push it under the rug or try to stuff it down without sharing how we really feel and speaking up for what we need. This week, Dr. Venus talks about the profound undertaking of allowing pure pleasure into your life, especially if it comes from a man who looks like ones that have hurt you before. It can be very tough to trust someone who reminds you of what has been done to you, and it's essential that Black Women talk about the fact that Black love is beautiful - but can be hard to accept if you've been violated.
Dr. Venus gives historical context of how North American slavery caused generational trauma in Black Women and Men, and discusses her personal journey of healing her owns wounds with regard to her father. She shares a personal story that demonstrates how our true nature comes out most during times of fighting or disagreements, and why actions matter so much more than words.
Key Takeaways:
[3:32] Dr. Venus discusses the truth of mixed race Africans selling Africans in slavery, and how the institution of slavery still leads to Black Women feeling unprotected and unheard.
[7:01] In this space, we are interested in dialog, and not a debate. Dr. Venus is well studied in this area, and if you can't handle that or don't want to be part of a respectful dialog that moves us forward, you are welcome to leave and create your own platform. This tribe is one of partnership and education.
[8:50] Trauma is a personal thing, and there is no hierarchy to it. Trauma can mean the loss of a loved one, a sexual trauma, physical trauma, etc. We have to be sure not to minimize or disregard someone else's trauma just because it doesn't seem big or important enough to us.
[13:11] Dr. Venus is feeding Black Women first, because we need it. She appreciates her allies and Black Men, and notes how she made her first million with Black Men holding her up, and Black Men will be an instrumental part of making her billion as well.
[17:24] Dr. Venus has been healing the wounds of having an absent father, and what that meant in her relationship with trusting men, and Black Men in general. Because of the history of slavery in North America, Black Women were born into addiction, poverty, violence, and acquiesce. It has taken decades to claim her voice, body, and power, but the more she heals her father wounds, the more she has room to shift her relationship with Black Men who are showing up.
[19:06] As a Black Woman hurt by Black Men in different ways, we often have to contend that our relationships feel like they come with strings attached, and it's hard to receive pleasure in any capacity. We focus on the act of violence rather than the trauma that shows up in our behavior.
[24:09] The first step to heal is to tell the truth. The people that deeply love you will hear it even if the truth hurts, but those that are defensive and reject your truth are welcome to leave. You matter, and you have a right to have people hear you from where you are.
[25:19] Taking care of yourself will free your energy up to receive love and pleasure, whether it's intimate pleasure or just enjoying a great meal together.
[26:47] People show their true nature through their actions, not their words. If they aren't living up to your needs and can't provide what you know you deserve, don't try to change them. Just bless them and release them.
[28:28] You have to be clear about what you require. If a person is not going to honor you, they are not going to honor themselves, so stop trying! Make a list of your values and what you want. Is it clear communication? Punctuality?
[31:53] People's actions never lie, and they are the most honest indication of their character. Every relationship has their fights, but it's how you fight and treat the other person while you are fighting that matters. Dr. Venus shares that she has a gentleman suitor who is fantastic and really knows what she needs. During a disagreement, he sent her breakfast to let her know that although they were mad at each other at this moment, he loved her and still wanted her to feel safe.
[35:07] There has to be a level of intimacy for you to experience safety that brings pleasure of any kind, whether it's sexual, being heard, or a shared joke. It's about finding a person that is willing to heal and grow with you, and who is doing work on themselves as well. Therapy and/or couples counseling is strongly recommended.
[37:14] As you develop more self trust and are firm with your personal boundaries, you can allow someone who is worthy of your time and energy without feeling the need to show up as their doctor or mama. You can love your partner and let them do their process without engaging in a way that disregulates your peace.
Quotes:
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