Description

Loving yourself as a Black Woman is a revolutionary act. It goes against everything we have been taught and have seen in society. Even harder is loving yourself and keeping yourself as the priority when you get in a relationship. Dr. Venus knows that self-love is often the first thing that goes out the window. Everything gets dropped, compromised, or pushed to the back burner. We self-sacrifice and twist ourselves up into a pretzel, all at the expense of our respect, pride, time, and energy.

But what if there was another way?

This week, Dr. Venus goes in on how loving yourself is actually the BASIS of being in love, instead of self-sacrifice. She explains why it has been our survival strategy to over-give and shares 8 teaching points on how to take care of you while you love someone that loves you.

Key Takeaways:

[3:48] We are taught to self-sacrifice under the idea that it is what we need to do in order to get love back. How many times have you twisted yourself up into a pretzel for someone else, in hopes that if we love someone enough or be who we think they want us to be, they will love us back?

[4:47] Have you ever had someone vilify you when you don't love them the way they feel you should? Dr. Venus has, and it doesn't feel good. As Black women, we are taught that in order to get love, it's okay to put our respect and pride second to someone else's needs.

[7:23] Using your wounds as a weapon is not love, that is control. As Black Women, we tend to suffocate our love or push it away, because we aren't used to just letting things be and feeling that what we are giving or who we are is enough.

[8:04] When you heal enough to let love in, the question becomes — how do you keep taking care of yourself while you love someone that loves you?

[12:21] There is a difference between changing your boundaries because you trust someone, and doing it because you feel you have to keep them.

 [12:47] How do you hold your own boundaries and tend to yourself when someone else gives you their attention? Here are 8 Teaching Points that are key to putting yourself first while being in love.

1. Raise your standards. What you need now is not what you used to need.
2. Make and keep your personal boundaries as an act of EMPOWERING the relationship.
3. Know what your wounds are and don't take on your loved one's wounds. It will only handicap your love and exhaust you.
4. Love someone who INSISTS you keep your routines so you are in your power.
5. Love is different from workability. Focus on the workability of the relationship.
6. Taking care of yourself does not mean you are neglecting your love. Don't feel guilty!
7. Heal, or leave with love. Everyone has wounds. If you or your love don't put in the work to heal, leave the relationship with dignity, honor and respect.
8. Fall in love with yourself daily.

[18:28] We are accountable for our wounds. If you are triggered, take care of yourself first. You have to tend to yourself. When two wounded people get together who are not doing the work to heal, it is a bloody mess.

[26:06] When you take care of yourself, it's an act of love for others around you.

[29:19] Leave the relationship with dignity and love, don't ever leave in anger. We think love conquers all but when a person is wounded, they are in their past and sometimes it doesn't mix with your needs. Don't be mad at your love if they can't change either, and give them grace as you leave.

Quotes:

• "Self-love is a radical act. It is telling history to kiss your Black ass."
• "If you can't be honest about how you disappear when someone else loves you, how will you ever know you are gone?"
• "I have to keep my routines to serve the relationship, not sacrifice them for the relationship."
• "The more you love yourself, the more you make room for others to love you."
• "There is a difference between changing your boundaries because you trust someone, and doing it because you feel you have to keep them."
• "Love does not mean you tolerate people's bad behavior."
• "When you take care of yourself, it's an act of love for others around you."

Mentioned:

Dr. Venus Website | Facebook | Twitter | Instagram 

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"Hot Mess Millionaire" Complete Series

(https://www.youtube.com/c/DrVenusOpalReese)

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RESOURCES

1. SELF LOVE WHILE BEING IN LOVE
2. THE IMPORTANCE OF SELF LOVE IN RELATIONSHIPS: 4 THINGS TO KNOW
3. How to Develop Self-Love and Why This Will Strengthen Your Relationship
4. How To Prioritize Self-Love While You're In A Relationship
5. Black Girl in Love (with Herself): A Guide to Self-Love, Healing, and Creating the Life You Truly Deserve