On today's episode of Mindful Impact, Justin speaks with Ellen Boeder, faculty at The Relationship School, about some essential tips for cultivating more mindful relationships. Learn more about Ellen at her website: www.ellenboeder.com.
Episode Highlights:
- Ellen is faculty at The Relationship School, founded by her husband.
- The thing that makes Ellen excited to wake up in the morning is her family and her daily morning yoga practice.
- She loves to connect with nature and appreciates the ability to get outside.
- She first picked up yoga 25 years ago, when she was 22 years old, because she thought she needed to stretch more.
- She doesn't currently have a formal sit down meditation practice, though she has in the past. Today, she focuses more on taking mindful walks.
- Her ability to practice yoga and meditation changed when she had kids.
- Ellen's husband, Jayson Gaddis, hosts a podcast with The Relationship School, and she's a frequent guest.
- Ellen and Jayson want to challenge each other to be their best and call each other out.
- Ellen feels they've learned how to fight efficiently and fairly, with no low blows or walking out of the room, and always making a commitment to finishing the conversation.
- In a moment when you're feeling connected to your partner, you can say something like, "I notice we're fighting a lot. Can we talk about how to make that better?"
- What are the main things we should focus on to have the happiest and most loving relationship we can?
- Ellen counters by asking what does the happiest and most loving version of a relationship look like to you?
- It looks different for everybody, so it's important to know your 'why.'
- Couples should figure out how to find the inherent strengths in being different.
- Difference means you can attend to different things and give more, for example, to your children, and you can balance each other out.
- Ask your partner what they want and what you can do to be the best partner you can be for that person.
- Ellen sees both men and women struggle with intimacy and vulnerability.
- We are never finished getting to know another person because we are always changing, and who we are unfolds in the moment.
- The business of our lives is a distraction that gets in the way of our relationships.
- Logistics prevent us from slowing down with each other and noticing each other.
- Scheduling things like sex is awesome; it is intentional, mindful, carving out of time for each other; it is self-care.
- At the same time, don't treat it like something to check off a to-do list; be open to whatever happens in that time you carve out to connect with your partner.
- Talk about how to make the time nourishing for both of you, to feel like input instead of more output.
- Over time, our differences can become glaring; you have to take the time to metabolize those differences and recalibrate.
- You have to have something bigger to commit and recommit to even when your feelings naturally shift moment to moment.
- Ideally, your relationship should be inspiring, fun, and challenging, but that's something you have to make true intentionally.
- It's unrealistic to think that you can stay in the honeymoon phase of an early relationship forever.
- Being mindful of bringing yourself into the present moment as an individual is a different experience from being mindful with your partner.
- Ellen feels she can remain present for longer when she's with her partner or her child, and finds that she's able to lose sense of space and time.
- Ellen believes we have many more demands on our attention now than ever before.
- She and her husband have scheduled business and financial related meetings as a way to keep those conversations separate from their date time.
- Ellen recommends a date be 3-4 hours, or longer if you're able, but a 2 hour date isn't sufficient.
- Her favorite time with her husband is when they take walks or hikes together.
- They tried things like couples yoga but Ellen found that for the dates to be meaningful forher, she needed to be talking to and connecting with her husband.
- If she could go back and give her 18 year old self any advice, it would be to reassure her that she would find love and have a wonderful relationship.
3 Key Points:
- There is no one way that a relationship should look or be, so you have to talk about what that looks like for yourself and your partner.
- Be intentional about how and when you connect with your partner so that you both get what you need out of it.
- Commit to something larger and greater than just each other, because your feelings and emotions towards each other as people can and will change.
Tweetable Quotes:
- "We have really shared values, and we're really different people. So that looks like… we have a lot to talk about." –Ellen Boeder
- "If I don't ever slow down or pause and reflect, there's a cost." –Ellen Boeder
- "It's actually really good that people are different because you can actually attend to more needs and things in the whole system." –Ellen Boeder
- "We really do depend and rely on our partners a lot, emotionally. And it's normal to, it's okay to, it's good to. But I think as a society we're very prone to getting the message thatwe're supposed to just be okay on our own." –Ellen Boeder
- "I think it's easy to fall in love and hard to be loving every day over time, over the long haul with someone." –Ellen Boeder
- "It's amazing what happens when people just start asking questions and telling more of the truth." –Ellen Boeder
Resources Mentioned:
