We recently received a listener question from a couple that's just getting started in their marriage. They wanted to know how to manage their finances. Should things be managed separately? Should they split the bills? What's the right way to approach finances as a married couple?
This is a topic that James runs into quite a bit as he meets young couples that are just getting started. Older generations usually put everything into one big pot. People who get married young usually default to this. When people marry later, their finances are already established, and things get tricky. James breaks down staying mine and yours or making everything ours.
Episode Highlights:
[02:55] Many couples now wait to get married and already have established households, budgets, and accumulated retirement savings.
[03:30] This can be tricky when people with experience have to merge their finances with another person. More couples are coming together, but keeping things separate almost like a roommate structure.
[04:23] It's hard to let go of that sense of control and identity, but stepping into marriage is stepping into oneness.
[05:04] A recent study looking at 38,000 participants, found that couples who put everything together are happier and less likely to break up.
[06:18] James has found that couples that he's seen pool their finances do tend to be more successful.
[06:44] When we think of resources as mine and yours, we retain individual identities which makes it easier to split up again.
[07:18] Control issues are common with couples that keep their finances separate. Another issue is one partner may not want to carry the other partner's debt or mistakes.
[09:22] People often blame money for why they split up. The way people approach money can be rooted and what's already wrong with their relationship. The way money is handled can be rooted in control issues or broken shame.
[10:47] Fairness is not part of the deal when it comes to marriage. Marriage isn't always 50/50. Sometimes it's 100/0.
[11:42] The benefit of facing the world together with an ours mentality was greater for couples with less money. The sense of unity and shared burden is one of the reasons we get married.
[14:16] Couples with shared finances also had more positive interactions and better connections. It affected how they spoke to each other.
[16:38] If your finances are separate and your marriage is working, you should be moving towards shared finances. It's the safest and most peaceful place.
[17:35] Everything can be in a common pot, but each person can have a spending account just for them.
[19:01] You want to balance the two but still have a little bit of selfishness and joy where you can spend on what you want to spend on. Find balance and think about why you haven't moved to an ours mentality.
Resources & Links Related to this Episode
