Stories this week include:
- Hostilities between Mr Softy and Mr Whippy leads south coast to brink of war.
- Julian Assange [REDACTED] in [REDACTED][REDACTED] for [REDACTED] during office hours.
- Bovine dating app infiltrated by opportunistic perverts.
- Pigeon cavity search marks start of national holiday celebrations.
We release our revised 'professions for deviants' list...
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