Bullies are masters of activating stress and anxiety in their victims. They do this by getting you to engage your own stress and fear responses FFFF.
Today we’ll dig deep into that…how they get you to work yourself into a frenzy of stress and fear.
FIGHT:
Most people think of the fight fear response as actual physical fighting, but the vast majority of the time fighting comes out as resistance, refusal, or arguing. Of course it can also be straight up physical outbursts and fights.
Reaction is a form of fight too. In this case you resist the source of the problem, the bully, instead of resisting the idea of the problem through denial.
They bully wants you at zero or 180. Whether you reject your part all together, which means you feel powerless against them, and they can walk all over you, or you go out of control into a tailspin of emotional reaction that is immensely entertaining and validating to them.
FLIGHT:
Any form of running away is flight. This doesn’t have to mean you running down the hallway at top speed away from the bully. It could, but more often it’s you avoiding the bully or the feelings they bring up in you. And that feeling is called TENSION.
Racing through things (to get back to safety) is another form of flight.
Bullies pick up on our anxious need for speedy relief and safety. They love to keep their victims on the run instead.
FREEZE:
When you care too much, you freeze up. Worry will make you freeze your brilliant natural responses and freeze time, meaning the pattern continues on and on.
The freeze response can take the form of bracing, or white knuckling your way through every situation to keep yourself, your surroundings or the situation together.
The freeze response can also look like you icing everyone out, and disengaging with those who try to connect.
The bully wants you terrified of misstepping. They want you locked in a vice grip on the side of their mountain of fear and threats.
FAWN:
Have you ever been nice to someone to keep them from getting mad? Have you ever gone along with others so they’ll stick around? That’s fawning. You set yourself aside to keep others by your side.
Fawning is a betrayal of the self, however, it’s easy to see why so many people do it. Letting others have their way can be good, and many find it safer to play nice than risk disagreement.
Bullies want you to put them on a pedestal. You can never quite reach them because of their elevated status, but you need them and their approval to fit in again, feel safe again and get back to yourself.
Bullies will say mean things, repeatedly pester or bother you, lie to you, tell your secrets to humiliate you, shoulder you out, get others against you, spread rumors, physically intimidate you or even act out. They judge, sneer, taunt, fake you out, make fun, and whatever else they can think of to keep you beside yourself.
NEXT WEEK we will figure out how to flip each stress response on its head, and turn all the bully’s tactics into pathetic attempts.
This week, watch your bully’s moves. Are they trying to provoke a fight or a forfeit on your side? Do they always keep you on the run, chasing you down, ready to pounce at your every move? Do you feel frozen in time, like you can say or do a thing, or like you can’t even warm up around the good people in your life? Are you beside yourself from trying to please or appease them?
