What is a frame? The way you view an interaction and your part in it. What you assume to be true about yourself and the others. What you believe. What you can and cannot do. This creates an underlying context for the interaction and how it should go. As long as you hold your frame, it will be stronger than everyone else’s, and things will go your way.
Believe it or not, but you already play in a frame with your bully. Even in the worst bullying interactions, you had a frame, and unfortunately one of two things was true: Either your frame was strong and confident, but the bully’s frame was stronger, or your frame could improve by flipping it around, so it matches the inner you.
BODY LANGUAGE:
People will usually accept whatever frame you set as long as you match it with the right tone and body language.
Going back to episodes about body language, we already know the best way to improve your body language is to change what you believe about yourself.
It’s more about how you communicate or behave than what you say or do. It’s your frame of mind.
FRAMEWORK:
Control the frame and you’ll control the conversation and your own options.
Humor is a great way to switch frames. This works on others and yourself. This is why I encourage you to watch comedy and practice it.
If you make the bully laugh, you can bet you just controlled their frame. They were unpleasant and unfriendly, now they’re playful and upbeat at least for a second.
Laughter indicates a frame change, but so does any emotional shift. If the bully is reacting to your frame, they’re in your frame, and you’re in control.
This means you decide how you’ll view the interaction in a way that best suits you. If one frame isn’t working, switch to another. It’s okay to change as long as you’re not changing to the bully’s frame.
CREATE OPTIONS:
Never limit yourself to what others think is possible. It’s good to know what they see as your options, but you must always be ready to define the list.
Once again, you’ll steer the conversation by changing what you believe, and you’ll change your beliefs when you know you have options .
That’s the power of framework. Instead of having to think about each move you make, you will operate according to what you believe, knowing it’s completely within your power.
FRAMES TO LEARN:
Frames that work against bullies are just the opposite of what hasn’t worked:
*This is a waste of my time is the opposite of this is highly important.
*I’m calm/bored is the opposite of I’m anxious.
*I’m #1 is the opposite of you’re #1. (I’m in charge, People look to me,
*We’re friendly (collaborative) vs We’re enemies (competitive).
Once we get into a frame, we operate by its playbook without thinking.
Imagine you’re in the I’m bored frame when the bully comes around, and ask yourself:
What do I believe? What comes naturally in this frame of mind? What can I get away with saying or doing? Is this frame working, or do I need to switch? What do I want and what are my options?
Imagining through visualizations is your first step to practice a new frame.
The second step is living within this new frame in a low stakes interaction. Friends, family, neighbors, randoms at school.
Once you’re used to your new frames from the low stakes practice, you’ll naturally extend the frame to high pressure situations like dealing with the bully.
