Lowering your own bar means getting yourself used to resisting the pressure to always be right and good when it comes to following rules and your own performance. Studies show those who are bullied are more likely to be anxious. Anxious people tend to focus on following rules because they care about getting things right. This tendency can also show up as perfectionism. Bullies, on the other hand, are the opposite: They are much more comfortable with breaking rules and wrongdoing. This allows them to exploit a form of bully food we haven't talked much about, and that's predictability. Being predictable gives the bully an advantage because they can count on what you will do. They know you'll follow all the rules. They know you'll try to be perfect. There's nothing more predicable than always doing what everyone expects you to do, which is the first reason I'm asking you to consider lowering the high bar you've set for yourself. The second reason is you can use their main advantage against them by joining in on a little bit of rule-breaking. They'll never expect you to turn the tables on them by speaking their language, which brings us to the third reason: Using some of their behaviors and words can get your point across in a way they can understand. The fourth reason is most people will understand your need to step around the rules to deal with the bully, and the bully themself will find out you're not going to let a few rules get your way. The fifth reason is you'll feel better about making mistakes because as you learn about bouncing back from them. The only disadvantage bigger then rule-breaking when it comes to being bullied is perfectionism. Why? Think about how bad you can feel when you try to be perfect. Some people worry so much about being perfect it stops them from trying anything new. Not only does perfectionism make you feel bad, it can make the others around you feel bad too. It can seem to them like you think you're better than everyone. Your self-consciousness can come across as self-absorption and your unwillingness to make mistakes as no fun. Worst of all, nobody can make a mistake around someone who values being perfect.The combo of making mistakes and blowing off a few rules here and there will help you and everyone around you. You'll be more relaxed, which will lead others to feel relaxed too. It will be clear you fully accept yourself with all your "flaws" and are okay with others knowing the real you. People support those they like and relate to. Get out there by being yourself, and you'll see who truly admires and respects you. Those are your real friends, and they will come to your side when you need them. Even before these friends come along, you'll be less isolated from being true to yourself. Loneliness comes more from being fake than from being alone. Lower your bar to be less predictable and more yourself. You don't want the bully to know your every move, and freeing yourself from impossible standards of perfection will help calm your anxieties. Even the bully will come to respect you, when they can see themself in your behavior. I'm not saying you need to become like them. It's more like they might want to be more like you when they see you aren't always so perfect too. Next time we'll talk about getting better at being worse. For now, watch your classmates and peers for those who are more comfortable with some level of imperfection. Observe how this might be an advantage for them. Have a good week!
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