Today's episode is about something really special that happened recently. My daughter, Savannah, participated in a horseback riding show, and it was a rainy day when we went to see her. That day, she rode a horse she had only ridden once before, a stubborn horse named Blue. I'm going to tell you what happened at the show, but first, let me talk about a concept that's important to me as a parent: co-regulating with my children when they are emotional.
As you may know, children can't fully understand and handle their emotions until they are in their late teens or early twenties. So, when my kids are dysregulated or triggered, they can't think rationally, no matter how many times I try to discipline them. I used to make the mistake of going into troubleshooting mode when they were upset, just like I do with my spouse. I'd try to convince them that they were wrong and list all the reasons why they were misperceiving reality. I'd also try to come up with solutions to their problems, or even ask them what they want me to do. But that didn't work. So, instead, I learned to co-regulate with them. I don't try to solve their problems or convince them of anything. I just sit with them and try to understand how they are feeling. And that's exactly what I did for Savannah at the horseback riding show.
As a parent, I always wanted to establish a relationship with my children where they could come to me when they were dealing with their emotions. I think most parents want this for their children. It is important to be the loving and supportive caretaker that gives them advice and guidance, helping them to handle and process their emotions. This way, they will come to you instead of turning to the wrong crowd when they become teenagers. I have had many emotional conversations with my children where I ask them how they feel and they tell me what color their emotions are. It's amazing how this helps them regulate their emotions.
One day, during my daughter's horseback riding class, she was having trouble with a very stubborn and difficult horse that was not following her instructions. It was difficult to watch her struggle while the other riders smoothly transitioned. However, the most amazing thing was that she maintained her composure in the middle of the ring, with two other riders and the judges watching. Despite the crowd of parents, she did not get emotional, hung in there, and did not quit.
This is one of the values we have instilled in our family - when we are in it, we stay in it.
"Train up a child in the way he should go; even when he is old he will not depart from it." - Proverbs 22:6
Blessings on your path,
Rev. Benjamin Norman
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