NARRATOR: “Welcome back to Reign of Terror 2019! 31 straight days of horror movie reviews and interviews. Today’s episode will guest star Dave Horrocks and Chris Phelps of the Comics in Motion Podcast, who will be reviewing the 2004 crossover event, ‘Alien vs. Preadtor’. A promo will run before the review.”
NARRATOR: “But for now, let’s turn our attention back to the fate of our host, Joseph, in Part Five of “COSMIC FARM HOUSE”.”
SCENE: Space station.
JOSEPH: “You know, in retrospect, the immensely long hallways should have been a dead giveaway that this wasn’t an actual spaceship. Artificial gravity could be a thing, but unless this is a holodeck, we have to be underground.”
NARRATOR: “Oh, speculation. It’s my favorite part of narration, listening to the main character try to work out his circumstances. Joseph’s mind was rotating through the thousands of films he had seen, trying to draw whatever lessons he could to figure out this maddening puzzle. Perhaps he was on the right track. Perhaps not. But this certainly seemed like the time for a plot twist.”
JOSEPH: “Hallways ends. At a... rock formation. Knew it! Looks like some ancient ruins, actually. Some sort of Proto-Rastafarian religion, judging from the dreadlocks. Face pieces are a nice touch. And man, these folks were huge! Wait, what’s that?”
NARRATOR: “Joseph could hear human voices through the rock formation, working his way along the wall until he could feel some air flow.”
DAVE: “Is someone there?”
JOSEPH: “Yes, this is Joseph! Who’s this?”
CHRIS: “Oh, thank goodness! I’m Chris. That’s Dave. Are you also stuck in an ancient temple?”
JOSEPH: “No, I’m actually in a space station. Or what seems like a space station.”
DAVE: “I think he’s daft, Chris.”
CHRIS: “You might be right.”
JOSEPH: “I think it’s an underground facility, perhaps studying this structure.”
DAVE: “Do you know who built it?”
JOSEPH: “No. Do you?”
CHRIS: “Well, I’m not saying it was aliens, but...”
DAVE: “It was definitely aliens.”
JOSEPH: “Speaking of which...”
JOSEPH: “Any way to open a way over there?”
CHRIS: “Afraid not.”
DAVE: “We’ve got our own problems.”
JOSEPH: “Well, I’d love to stay and chat, but I gotta run.”
CHRIS: “Wish we could do the same.”
DAVE: “Agreed. We’re at the end of the line, I’m afraid. Oh wait, look here!”
CHRIS: “What’s that?”
DAVE: “It’s a sign that says ‘Escape Pod’.”
CHRIS: “Really?!”
JOSEPH: “I have one, too!”
NARRATOR: “Joseph looked down and saw a similar sign, pointing down a previously unnoticed hallway.”
CHRIS: “Good luck, then!”
DAVE: “Here’s to surviving!”
NARRATOR: “Joseph ran down the hallway, to a small tube marked ‘Escape Pod’.”
JOSEPH: “Well, that’s rather explicit.”
NARRATOR: “He fumbled with the wheel that kept it sealed, first loosening it, then opening it all the way. It was narrow, but just wide enough to fit his slightly overweight frame.”
JOSEPH: “Hey, watch it!”
NARRATOR: “He wriggled in feet first, so he could close the door behind him, regretting the last few cheeseburgers he had eaten, and the lack of showering he had experienced.”
CHRIS: “AH! NOOOOO!!!!”
DAVE: “GOOD GOD!!!!”
NARRATOR: ”The sounds behind him were gruesome indeed, and his own... *sigh* alien predator? Really?”
JOSEPH: “I was strapped for time, okay?”
NARRATOR: “Joseph pulled the hatch behind him closed, which turned on some lights. Once he finished closing the hatch, he saw a button marked ‘Escape’.”
JOSEPH: “I guess that’s my ticket out of here.”
NARRATOR: “Joseph pressed the button, and the tube began to move away from the hatch. He began breathing a sigh of relief, until the tube began raising upward, causing Joseph to slide towards the lower portion, no matter how much he tried to hold himself. Soon, the tube was angled upwards, with light spilling in from the opening at the other end.”
JOSEPH: “Wherever out here is...”
NARRATOR: “It was then that he heard the murmurs of a crowd, and what sounded like... a calliope?”
JOSEPH: “What now?”
NARRATOR: “A drum roll, apparently, and the call of a circus ringmaster.”
NARRATOR: “Hot snakes for Joseph! Find out tomorrow, when we’re joined by Marc and Steve of the Moviedrone Podcast for a review of ‘The Terrifier’, and we’ll find out if Joseph can survive by running away and joining the circus. Join us tomorrow for Part One of “FOR YOUR AMUSEMENT”!”
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<< COMICS IN MOTION PROMO >>
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Today’s movie is “Alien vs. Predator” (2004), the Sci-Fi/Action film directed by Paul W.S. Anderson and written for the screen by Anderson, along with Dan O'Bannon and Ronald Shusett. An ancient pyramid is discovered buried deep underground in Antarctica by a team of archeologists and scientists, led by Alexa "Lex" Woods (Sanaa Lathan). The team realize too late that the temple is a hunting ground for young Predators to claim Alien trophies as a rite of passage.
Warning: Spoilers ahead!
It was comic publisher Dark Horse who first came up with the idea to crossover the Alien and Predator franchises and they first appeared together in a short story in Dark Horse Presents #34 in 1989. Though “Predator 2” (1990) also hinted at a connection by showing an Alien skull hung up as a trophy Predator’s ship. But it would be another 14 years before we got our intergalactic Royal Rumble on the big screen.
Sigourney Weaver had famously said that she didn’t want any part of this movie and the script sounded awful. But I, for one, was really looking forward to this mashup and I do think it’s a great concept that could have worked really well. But by setting it in the present day and shooting for a PG-13 rating, straight away they were limiting its potential and getting the hardcore fans and continuity police, offside.
The movie spends a lot of time with the team of human scientists, without getting a great deal of character development. But we do get to find out how the Predators had been vacationing on Earth for years and were worshiped as Gods and released the Aliens for a little hunting trip.
We get to see a number of humans we don’t really care about slaughtered by the Predators, before we finally get some decent action scenes with the Predators fighting Aliens. Some of the CGI doesn’t stand up too well, but practical effects look pretty good. Although they should, considering the groundwork has already been done for them in the original movies from each franchise.
There are some fun moments in this movie. Some of the action scenes are great and using an Alien head as a shield was pretty darn cool. But the Predator and Lex team up does stretch believability somewhat, and it just isn’t enough to save this movie.
Hard core fans will be driven to distraction by sloppy and contradictory continuity and constrained by the rating it fails to build the tension and fear like the first movies do. But if you’re a casual fan of one or both franchises, and can switch your brain off, and not think too deeply then you could have a bit of fun with this.
Rotten Tomatoes: 21%
Metacritic: 29
One Movie Punch: 3.5/10
“Alien Vs. Predator” 2004 is rated R, or 15 in the UK, and is available on Amazon Prime, or DVD and Blu-Ray.
