An apology is a starting point, a basic human relationship skill, and an essential component of healing. In this twice-monthly Rocking Relationships in Recovery webinar, host Jon Taylor, Utah Therapist (CSAT), discusses how and why to effectively apologize.
TAKEAWAYS:
[3:08] Executed well, an apology can be a powerful change for a person issuing the apology.
[4:06] John shares the first big fight he and his spouse had in their marriage.
[6:41] Saying 'I'm sorry' is the first step, then asking 'How can I help?'"
[12:25] If your apology is coupled with resentment, you're not doing it right.
[15:30] Turn on your thinking brain and consider what you could do differently.
[18:30] Offer solutions to your partner that can correct the hurt.
[22:05] The danger of a forced apology.
[24:08] The non-apology apology is thinly veiled manipulation.
[27:27] How can I proceed when the people I've hurt refuse to talk to me?
[33:14] How does self-sabotage show up for both addicts and betrayed partners?
[37:40] Self activation and authentication can open us up to hurt as well as clarity.
[38:50] How can I react to my addict spouse if he refuses support?
RESOURCES:
Email Tami: Tami@Seekingintegrity.com
Prodependence: Moving Beyond Codependency, by Robert Weiss
Sex Addiction 101: A Basic Guide to Healing from Sex, Porn, and Love Addiction, by Robert Weiss
Cruise Control: Understanding Sex Addiction in Gay Men, by Robert Weiss
QUOTES
"If you're going to use apology, you need to be ready to follow through. Otherwise you're going to hollow out the word and make it the word that signals the start of a fight, not the start of repair."
"Apology, executed well, can be a powerful change for the person issuing the apology."
"I ended up listening and paying attention, and that's the power of saying 'I'm sorry'."
"Be careful not to hold your 'I'm sorry' hostage or make it conditional. If you're doing that, then you are the problem."
"We're misusing an apology when we expect it to be a quick fix."
"We never know where our person's breaking point is and we can't be the one to define that."
