Description

It's our 150th episode, so to celebrate we opted to do an AMA. At least that was the plan at first…

• Intro
  • Podchaser - Reviews4Good
  • Thank yous to everyone
• AMA portion
  • Scariest podcasting moment? - @MikeyGeek
  • Have you read any IDW Transformers comics? What are your thoughts? - I Understood That Reference
  • How has doing the podcast changed you? - Dr Goku from GuardiansMH
  • If you could pick a fictional character to have on the couch, who would it be? - Patron Matt & Lissy
  • What are your early comic memories/what sparked your love of comics? - Patron Matt & Lissy
  • Since Anthony is a lawyer, would he represent you in court for a malpractice case? -Anonymous
  • Is there any time when you recommend comics to your patients? -Anonymous
  • Are there any episodes that you would recommend starting with besides the first one? -Anonymous

• Skit
  • DOC: OK, so let's go to the next quest*buzz-phone call* oh, sorry, must've forgotten to turn it off. Lemme just check, it might be work. *beat* I don't recognize this number. Could be work? Hello?
  • HANK: Hello Doctor Issues…
  • DOC: Who is this?
  • HANK: You tried to get me to move on, but all that did was cause me greater grief. So now I'm back to have my revenge. Not just on Superman, but on you.
  • DOC: Hank Henshaw? I never tried to get you to move on from Terri, I simply told you to focus your energy, sorry, no pun intended, on a healthier way to honor her memory.
  • HANK: I tried that. I worked on creating a permanent tribute to her online. I made that Instagram profile of her, and it worked for a while. I was going to use her internet fame to support organizations that she cared about. You know what happened? Crypto bros took her pictures, turned them into NFTs, and started selling them online. So I found every single one of them and killed them all. And then I turned my attention to you.
  • DOC: Dear God, man.
  • HANK: I thought about killing you, but that would be too easy. Plus there's a good chance that blue bastard would come and rescue you. So I opted to hurt you in another way.
  • DOC: If you harm my family…
  • HANK: Oh no, Doc, this is much worse than that. You know, it's funny how simple it is to break past encryption when you're living inside the system. All these patient files, each one tells a story.
  • DOC: You can't do that!
  • HANK: DON'T TELL ME WHAT I CAN'T DO! I'm Hank Henshaw, and I'm beholden to no man. Say, these files are so interesting, I think the rest of the world should have the opportunity to see what you wrote here…
  • DOC: Don't you dare…
  • HANK: Oh, you think this is a comic book where you can stop me? I already released the files online, Doc. Good luck trying to get the toothpaste back in the tube now… hahahaha
  • ANTHONY: Everything ok, bro?
  • DOC: No, definitely not. I need to get back to my office NOW. And I have to make a few phone calls… *dialing noise* c'mon, pick up pick up pick up…
  • TONY STARK: Y'ello?
  • DOC: Tony, thank goodness you picked up.
  • TONY: Uh, who is this?
  • DOC: It's Doctor Issues. We had a therapy session a few years ago, I don't know if you remember
  • TONY: Oh I remember you. Kinda. We split the Glenlivet, right?
  • DOC: We didn't really split it, so much as you drank it and then split. Anyway, listen, I need your help. One of my clients, a bad dude, he got into my patient files and released them all online. I need you to get them off the Internet and make sure no one has access to them again.
  • TONY: Hoo boy, that is quite a quandary. So you're telling me that your files on every single one of your patients, including me, is now out there online?
  • DOC: Yes, but-
  • TONY: Interesting. Jarvis, bring up my file.
  • JARVIS: I'm not sure that's a wise course of action, sir.
  • TONY: If I'm going to help Doc, I need to know what I'm dealing with.
  • DOC: Tony, please, just
  • TONY: Uh-uh, hold on just a sec. Mmmmhmmm…
  • DOC: We don't have time, the sooner we get started on this the sooner we can shut this down and stop anyone else from reading their files.
  • TONY: Yes, because heaven forbid anyone learn that you think they're, what was it again, a narcissist who uses alcohol as a means of self-medication to avoid addressing past traumas? Did I have that right?
  • DOC: Tony, you were drinking in the session and left because you got bored of things. It's not pretty to read, but I stand by my assessment. I also indicated you performed great things in spite of that.
  • TONY: Well, in spite of your compliment, I'm going to tell you to kiss my ass, Doc. Find another lackey to help you clean up your mess. Now if you'll excuse me, I'm off to exercise my demons with a little racquetball. And the only drinking I'll be doing is my C4 energy drink. Happy?
  • DOC: Not really, I mean
  • TONY: Wasn't talking to you. Happy, bring the car around. And my gym bag better not smell like the insides of your shoes again, or so help me I'll *click*
  • DOC: Dammit! OK, think, who else can I call? Oh, I know!
  • UATU: DOCTOR ISSUES!
  • DOC: What the?
  • UATU: YOU HAVE BEEN SUMMONED.
  • DOC: Uatu? Not now.
  • UATU: THIS WAS NOT A REQUEST. *teleportation sound effect*
  • DOC: NO! I need to get back to Earth! Do you know what I'm dealing with?
  • UATU: OF COURSE I KNOW WHAT IS HAPPENING. I FORESAW THIS HAPPENING.
  • DOC: I thought you couldn't see the future.
  • UATU: I CANNOT. BUT I CAN SEE ALL ACTIONS HAPPENING ACROSS THE UNIVERSE AT ONCE, AND I CAN PREDICT WITH A HIGH RATE OF PROBABILITY WHAT WILL OCCUR. YOUR DISMISSAL OF HANK HENSHAW WAS LIKELY TO DRIVE HIM TO SEEK REVENGE.
  • DOC: I didn't dismiss him, I simply… we're getting off topic. Why am I here?
  • UATU: I AM FORBIDDEN FROM INTERFERING IN THE ACTIONS OF OTHERS, I AM MERELY AN OBSERVER.
  • DOC: First off, that's ridiculous, you've interfered I don't know how many times. Secondly, bringing me here to the moon is interference by itself - if you wanted to observe, you could've just left me on Earth.
  • UATU: OH, IS THIS UPSETTING TO YOU? DOES THIS MAKE YOU MAD?
  • DOC: Yes it does!
  • UATU: WELL NOW YOU HAVE A MILD INKLING OF HOW I FEEL. I BORE OF YOUR INCESSANT JOKES ABOUT WATCHING PEOPLE MASTURBATE AND ENGAGE IN VARIOUS SEXUAL ENCOUNTERS.
  • DOC: So you dragged me up here, in the middle of the biggest professional and personal crisis I've ever encountered, just because you're mad I made jokes about you?
  • UATU: YES.
  • DOC: What the hell, man! You're an interdimensional being with the powers of a god, why are you so focused on being this petty?
  • UATU: BECAUSE I CAN, THAT'S WHY.
  • DOC: Can you just send me back, please? You made your point.
  • UATU: FINE. BUT IF I HEAR YOU MAKING ONE MORE UATU IS WATCHING YOU JOKE, I WILL TELEPORT YOU TO A REGION OF SPACE WHERE YOU WILL NEVER BE FOUND. *teleportation sound* AND HERE'S A MIDDLE FINGER. I HOPE YOU CAN SEE THIS, BECAUSE I'M DOING IT AS HARD AS I CAN.
  • DOC: Ugh, that was not fun. Also, why do I feel like he's flipping me off? Anyway, I need to get to the office. Lemme check Uber… 17 minutes? Nope, too long. Uhh… oh great, first bit of good luck today. TAXI! *tires squeal*
  • JAKE: Where to, pal?
  • DOC: The central office plaza downtown, and step on it!
  • JAKE: Sure thing, buddy. *car door closes, drives off*
  • DOC: Thanks. Say, you look kinda familiar. Do I know you?
  • JAKE: Hmm… I don't remember you, and I'm pretty good with remembering folks. I just have one o'dem faces.
  • DOC: Are you sure? I seem to recall meeting you at some point. Not too often you encounter folks with a Chicago accent here.
  • JAKE: We're more common than you realize. We move all over da place.
  • DOC: OK, that's fair, I grant you.
  • STEVEN: Grant? Oh my, I detest when this occurs.
  • DOC: What the… oh great, of all the taxis I hadda find…
  • STEVEN: Rest assured, good sir, this is equally embarrassing to me as it is to you.
  • DOC: Somehow I don't think that's the case.
  • STEVEN: Ahh yes, you're referring to the incident with the patient files?
  • DOC: You know about that already?
  • STEVEN: Yes, the matter was brought to my attention earlier by my social media team. Got an alert when my name popped up in trending files. Had to send my PR staff into high alert to address some of the more… unsavory aspects.
  • DOC: Jeez, and I don't even recall saying anything that bad. I guess it's just the specter of negativity that you have to deal with.
  • MARC: Spector? Aww s**t, now I'm in charge. C'mon Jake, where are we supposed to be going?
  • DOC: Wait, who am I talking to now? And what do you mean where are we going? Don't you share this info between identities?
  • MARC: What would be most comforting for you to hear?
  • DOC: If that's how you're asking the question, I have a feeling no answer is actually going to be comforting.
  • MARC: Not gonna lie to you, Doc, you're not that wrong. Truth is, when this happens, I just kinda drive around in circles and hope that Jake sees something familiar enough that he takes the wheel again. Literally and figuratively.
  • DOC: I don't have time for this. Stop the car.
  • MARC: But what about
  • DOC: Talk to Steven, I'm sure he can afford to pick up the tab. *car door opens & closes* Well, I'm not that far away, guess I can walk. In the meantime… *dialing sound* pick up, Bruce, pick up…
  • BATMAN: (voicemail) If you feel the need to leave a voicemail, you're not using the proper channels. Contact the right people and they'll alert me accordingly.
  • DOC: DAMMIT BRUCE! Ugh. OK, next one. C'mon Dick…
  • DICK: (voicemail) This is Dick. If this is about business, leave your name and number. If you want to get back to business, I'll call you when I need you.
  • DOC: How about neither… fine, let's try Jason?
  • JASON: Hello:
  • DOC: Jason? It's Doctor Issues.
  • JASON: I was wondering if you'd call.
  • DOC: Listen, I need help.
  • JASON: I'm sure you do. So in your greatest moment of need, you reach out to someone, hoping they'll faithfully support you and assist you?
  • DOC: Yes!
  • JASON: Sure is a bitch when it doesn't work out in your favor, isn't it? *click*
  • DOC: WHAT? No no no no… fine, I guess I'll try Tim.
  • TIM: Hello?
  • DOC: Oh, thank goodness, Tim, I
  • TIM: Haha, gotcha. Thought I was answering the phone. Oh man, I'm sure you're probably pretty pissed at me. Which you would tell me, except I'm not available right now. So go ahead and leave me a message, and I'll call you back.
  • DOC: Oh that is NOT COOL, Tim. *sigh* I guess now I'm up to Damian.
  • VOICE: The number you have dialed has not established a voicemail service.
  • DOC: OH COME ON!!! Umm… wait, do I have her number… YES! Oh please please please…
  • STEPHANIE: Hello?
  • DOC: Hello, Stephanie?
  • STEPHANIE: Who is this?
  • DOC: My name is Doctor Issues, I've worked with several of your… colleagues.
  • STEPHANIE: Who?
  • DOC: Dick, Jason, Tim… Bruce… they all
  • STEPHANIE: No, I mean who are you?
  • DOC: I'm… I'm Dr. Issues, I'm their psychiatrist.
  • STEPHANIE: Never heard of you.
  • DOC: Wait, what?
  • STEPHANIE: And how did you get this number?
  • DOC: Because they… I mean you…
  • STEPHANIE: Please don't call me again. *click*
  • DOC: So much for that angle… who else can I call…
  • JOKER: It's so hard to find good help these days…
  • DOC: Oh no.
  • JOKER: What's the matter Doc, you look like you just watched a man die. Here, let me get you a mirror so you can see it up close.
  • DOC: Nope, not sticking around for this one. *starts to run away*
  • JOKER: *sound of net releasing and capturing Doc, who struggles* Oh, but we have a lot to talk about. I need to fill you in on the team of professionals you set up for me. They've been rotating around for quite some time. Or at least I imagine they have, who knows how much weight a ceiling fan can support. After the third body they tend to get a little dicey.
  • DOC: Dear God…
  • JOKER: The Korean doctor took it especially hard. All that time she thought fan death wasn't real. Right up until the end when the blades decapitated her…
  • DOC: Come on, is there ANYONE around who can help me?
  • JOKER: It's funny, you wrote in my notes that I needed to stay isolated because I'd be less of a threat. And yet who's the one who's all alone right now? It'd be funny if it wasn't so pathetic. But what the hell, I'll laugh anyway BWAHAHAHAHA*punch* ooooomph
  • NORTHSTAR: Doctor, are you alright?
  • DOC: Northstar, what are you doing here?
  • NORTHSTAR: I read the report, and I decided to march over right away to talk to you about it. As I approached, I saw that insane clown man assaulting you, so I thought I'd take care of him first and ask questions later, la!
  • DOC: Well I sure am glad to see you. I need to get back to my office right away, so I can *whooosh* … access my files.
  • NORTHSTAR: Bienvenue. Now, about what you wrote…
  • DOC: Not now, Northstar, this is a bad time.
  • NORTHSTAR: NO, Doctor, you will not brush me off, ça prend tout mon petit change just to have this discussion. I thought I did the right things, said the right things, pi you write that I am self-absorbed, focused on image. Why would I come to you for help if not to get better, À cause tu fais simple de même?
  • DOC: Look, Jean-Paul, I appreciate that you are fired up about this, and I'll be happy to talk this over with you at a later time. But clearly, I've got major problems to address right now, so can we table this discussion?
  • NORTHSTAR: I'm not talking about this with you on a table, on a couch, or anywhere, esti! I know you get confused when I speak in French, so let me be clear: kiss my ass, Doctor. *whoosh*
  • DOC: *sigh* Well, at least I'm in the office and I can focus on *phone rings* *sigh* hello?
  • JJJ: I need to speak to Doctor Issues right away, this is urgent!
  • DOC: This is he.
  • JJJ: You answer your own phone? What kinda two-bit operation are you running? And to think I wasted good time, and worse yet, good money, talking to you.
  • DOC: Who is this?
  • JJJ: It's J. Jonah Jameson.
  • DOC: What do you want, Jameson, I'm kind of in the middle of something.
  • JJJ: Yes, I know. That's why I'm calling. This story is breaking news, and I'm asking, no DEMANDING, an exclusive interview for TNM.
  • DOC: My professional life is falling apart around me, and you think I'm going to take time answering questions?
  • JJJ: Of course! Gives you a chance to get your side of the story out before things go too far. Who cares about being right, what matters is being first. Remember: people read headlines, not retractions.
  • DOC: That says an awful lot, both about you and the media business as a whole. But I'm not interested right now, I need to find someone who can stop this from spreading across the web.
  • JJJ: I think I have someone in my office who can help with web stuff. ANALOG! Where the hell is Derick? I need someone to shut down the Internet. *That's not how this works, Jonah.* I don't pay you to argue with me, I pay you to get things done. And at the rate you're going, you're lucky I pay you at all.
  • DOC: Goodbye, Jonah.
  • JJJ: And another thing-*click*
  • DOC: OK, now to look up how to take things off the Internet. Gonna DuckDuckGo this, last thing I need is more stuff getting traced back to *smash* WHAT THE
  • TICK: Of all the unbelievable things I have to deal with on a daily basis. The unmitigated gall you must possess to disrespect me like this. I might not be the smartest hero, or the flashiest, or even the bluest, but I deserve better than this.
  • DOC: Tick, what are you-
  • TICK: It's like you don't even know who I am. After all this time we've known each other, I thought some common courtesy would have been established. Sure, people make mistakes here and there, and you brush them under the rug, because that's what good cleaners do. Not the expensive ones, obviously, but the quality cleaners who take a little extra time to spit on the washcloth before scrubbing your toilet to give it that extra sheen. But something like this, I feel personally insulted to even have received something like this associated with my good name.
  • DOC: Tick, I promise you, what I wrote on your patient form was completely professional, and it was never intended to be read publicly. But my system was hacked, and all my confidential patient files are all over the Internet now, I sincerely apologize.
  • TICK: I didn't see that when I filled out the section for pickup. What are you talking about?
  • DOC: Wait… what are YOU talking about?
  • TICK: I'm talking about my order. I specifically requested carnitas in my burrito, and you give me BARBACOA?!?! Do I LOOK Puerto Rican?
  • DOC: WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT?!?!
  • TICK: I've been coming to this Chipotle every day for the past two years, and I sit in the same-
  • DOC: THIS IS NOT A CHIPOTLE.
  • TICK: Not with service like this, it isn't.
  • DOC: Get. Out.
  • TICK: Fine. But first I'll be leaving you a sternly worded review on Welp.
  • DOC: That's… just GOOOOO.
  • TICK: And your decor is appalling. It's like you don't even want my business.
  • DOC: The door is over *smash* there…Oooookaaaayyy… now if I can PLEASE get back to work…
  • HOMELANDER: How the F**K are you still alive?
  • DOC: Homelander? Oh jeez, not you too…
  • HOMELANDER: I punched your skull off your f**king neck. There's no goddamn way you should be living.
  • DOC: I don't have the time or the patience to explain this to you.
  • HOMELANDER: Is it because I'm a… what was the phrase you used… "completely unreachable sociopath"?
  • DOC: No, but that's not inaccurate. Do you hear yourself when you speak?
  • HOMELANDER: I have super hearing. But everyone will be able to hear you scream before you DIE! *tosses Doc out window*
  • DOC: AHHHH SOMEONE HELP ME!
  • ISAIAH: I'll catch you.
  • DOC: AHH! AHH! AHH!
  • ISAIAH: Why are you shouting? Are you hurt? Are you ok?
  • DOC: Ahh… *calms down* I'm sorry, Isaiah, getting thrown out a window isn't something you get over quickly.
  • ISAIAH: How do you know me?
  • DOC: I talked to you a while ago. I guess you don't remember me?
  • ISAIAH: Was it a nice talk?
  • DOC: Yes, yes it was.
  • ISAIAH: Good.
  • HOMELANDER: Are you f**king s**tting me? I toss you out the goddamn window, and of all the things to happen, you end up getting caught by this big dumb n-
  • ISAIAH: *punch* I don't like those words. You hurt my friend.
  • DOC: Be careful, Isaiah, he's a very mean person, and very strong.
  • ISAIAH: I can take care of bullies. You have a nice day now!
  • HOMELANDER: Is that all you got, you stupid motherfu-
  • ISAIAH: *punch* I said I don't like those words.
  • DOC: I'm just going to take advantage of this and take off. *grabs phone* *starts dialing* C'mon Bruce, pick up pick up pick up…
  • CARNAGE: Going somewhere, Doctor?
  • DOC: *sigh* No, I guess I'm not.
  • CARNAGE: Not like when you tried to send me back to Ravencroft, or the Vault, or any of the other places you tried to throw me away and forget about me.
  • DOC: Cletus, you need help. More help than I can personally provide.
  • CARNAGE: Yes, I know. I had such a wonderful talk with Victor last week about you.
  • DOC: Victo… oh no.
  • CARNAGE: Oh YES. Your name comes up an awful lot lately. Even before this little report of yours released. We all have our own ideas about ending you. Victor's was one of the more… colorful ones I've heard. And he's got a special place for you all saved up.
  • DOC: Yes, he told me all about it.
  • CARNAGE: Jim Jr., Roman, Waylon, Mr. Blake… we've had fantastic conversations about what we'd do if we ever got the chance to have a special session with you. And what with all the alone time I've had lately, I've been ruminating quite a bit about it.
  • DOC: Lucky me…
  • CARNAGE: But you know what the major difference is between me and them?
  • DOC: Lemme guess, you're actually the one who's going to pull it off?
  • CARNAGE: How dare you steal that opportunity from me? I was building up, it was a whole thing, it's like you don't even know how this is supposed to work out. The one time I decide I'm going to embrace the theatricality they talk about, and you steal my thunder. This is why I just kill people right away, no chance for backtalk. I should just stick to the basics…
  • BOOSTER: *portals in* Yes, yes, it's me, Booster Gold. Hold your applause until I'm finished saving you, Doc.
  • DOC: None to be had, Booster.
  • CARNAGE: Who the hell is this clown?
  • BOOSTER: The name's Booster Gold. You don't know it yet, but I'm about to make a big impact on you. Specifically my foot to your ass.
  • DOC: Don't say that out loud…
  • BOOSTER: Oh it's fine, Doc. I've already seen how this plays out. You're fine.
  • DOC: If you saw this already, why didn't you stop it before it happened?
  • CARNAGE: What is going on here?
  • BOOSTER: I got caught up with some Justice League business. You know how it is, flying around the world, saving multiple timelines. It takes its toll. I needed some "me time".
  • DOC: You're a time traveler. LITERALLY ALL YOU HAVE IS ME TIME.
  • BOOSTER: And yet I managed to take time out of my busy world saving schedule to come here and save the world for you. And before you say it, you're welcome.
  • DOC: So please, do it. NOW.
  • BOOSTER: What's the rush then? I mean, you just indicated I have all the time in the world, so theoretically I can leave and come back.
  • DOC: Did you research this guy at all?
  • BOOSTER: Who does research?
  • DOC: Serial killer.
  • BOOSTER: Like Count Chocula, or…
  • DOC: Alien powered psychopath.
  • BOOSTER: Oh, so like J'onn when we run out of Oreos in the Watchtower.
  • DOC: WOULD YOU JUST HIT HIM ALREADY?
  • BOOSTER: Jeez, you're in a hurry. OK. *ahem* STAND ASIDE, CITIZEN. BOOSTER GOLD IS HERE! I WILL NOW… wait, where's the camera? I want to make sure they get my good si-
  • CARNAGE: RAAAAHHHH SHUT UP YOU BLOVIATING BUFFOON! *slash sound effect* Now where did the good doctor go?
  • DOC: *running sound effects* Good thing I remembered to tie my shoes this morning… *sound of car pulls up* *window rolls down*
  • FISK: Doctor Issues. Might I interest you in a ride?
  • DOC: I see no rational alternative, Mr. Fisk.
  • FISK: Nor do I. And yet here we are. Come in.
  • DOC: If only to get away from another psychopath. *door opens & closes*
  • FISK: So kind of you to join me.
  • DOC: Is that blood on the floor?
  • FISK: Remnants of the last person who chose to ignore a recommendation of mine. Unfortunately, given the circumstances I haven't had the opportunity for a full detailing yet. Regardless, that's not why we're here.
  • DOC: Let me guess. You're mad about… Wait. Although we may have our differences, you already know about me, and you already saw your file. So what, then?
  • FISK: I understand your hesitation to work with me, given the nature of our last conversation. Rest assured, as long as things remain cordial, no one's family members have to be involved.
  • DOC: Then why even bring them up?
  • FISK: Because in light of everything that's gone on, I felt it important to remind you of who I am.
  • DOC: OK.
  • FISK: As you know, I am a man of many resources. Resources that, in this instance, could provide useful in eliminating traces of these files from the internet and the computers of anyone who might possess them.
  • DOC: You're rich. Got it. What's that got to do with me?
  • FISK: Despite those resources, I am not without my limits. That is where you come in.
  • DOC: What could I provide you that you can't buy yourself?
  • FISK: Daredevil.
  • DOC: If you saw my file on you, you definitely read my file on him. What more do you need from me?
  • FISK: It's not the information I need, Doctor. You have access to him. A relationship. Trust.
  • DOC: If you think that's the best level of trust possible, then you'll still have a REALLY hard time getting access to him.
  • FISK: But his Catholic guilt can be manipulated quite easily to obtain a future session with him. All I need is for you to bend that to your will. Name the time and place, and I assure you everything else will be taken care of.
  • DOC: And you're having me do this after an information breach that would mysteriously be cleaned up… Something tells me even a blind man could see the setup coming a mile away, and that's without all the other senses coming into play.
  • FISK: I was under the impression you'd be more perceptive to this offer, given your current lack of allies or assistance.
  • DOC: And you would become persona non grata for somehow changing this one opportunity that everyone had. And you stole it from them. Are you sure you want that?
  • FISK: Are you suddenly concerning yourself with my welfare and the consequences that would come from me helping you? Even for a medical professional this seems beyond the norm.
  • DOC: At this point, my preservation is paramount to anything else on my mind.
  • FISK: I can see this was a waste of my time. *door opens* Consider this business offer rescinded. *throws Doc out* *door closes & car continues driving*
  • DOC: *rolling sound effects & groans* Tuck and roll saves another life… and yet I'm still no closer to finding answers, or someone to help me.
  • SQUIRREL GIRL: Is that you, Doc?
  • DOC: Doreen?
  • SG: Hey, how are you?
  • DOC: Not so good… like literally, not good at all.
  • SG: That's a bummer. Wanna talk about it?
  • DOC: You mean you don't know?
  • SG: Oh of course I know, it's the big story right now on Chitter.
  • DOC: Chitter?
  • SG: It's the social media network for squirrels. They actually came up with the name before Twitter, but no one will let squirrels own a trademark, and the bird lobbyists got involved, it got really messy.
  • DOC: Riiiiiight.
  • SG: Anyway, you're going through a pretty rough time, and I just wanted to tell you that I'm sorry you're hurting. Like you say, it's not your fault but it is your problem.
  • DOC: Thanks. It's actually nice to talk to someone today who's not super pissed at me for what I said in their file. Assuming you read what I wrote…
  • SG: I did. I have to say I understood why you said what you did, and I appreciate your honesty.
  • DOC: Oh?
  • SG: Yeah. I stepped back from the babysitting thing a bit. It was getting to be a bit much with everything else going on.
  • DOC: I'm glad to hear it.
  • SG: Cut back from 40 hours a week to 39.
  • DOC: That's it?
  • SG: Yeah, and let me tell you it was rough. Didn't know what to do with that hour, all that free time was crazy. So I opted to volunteer at a soup kitchen.
  • DOC: I…
  • SG: Feels good to give back. But enough about me. You're still struggling with the whole personal data leak thing.
  • DOC: Yup. And I am so glad that I have your super powered support. Right? Right?
  • SG: Oh I'd love to help, but I don't know the first thing about computers and stuff. I mean, I still have a flip phone. And my squirrel friends, well… there are a LOT of them, but they can't chew through all that fiber optic cable. You realize how much property damage that would cause?
  • DOC: Thank you for the practicality. To be candid, I just don't know what in the hell I'm supposed to do.
  • SPAWN: You know what they say, speak the Devil's name and he shall appear.
  • DOC: What*gets sucked into hell* AAAAAHHHHHH
  • SG: *yells after him* Sorry I couldn't be more helpful!
  • SPAWN: Welcome to Hell, Doc.
  • DOC: AHHH GET ME OUTTA HERE
  • SPAWN: No sense screaming, no one down here can hear or help you.
  • DOC: IT'S NOT FOR THEM, IT'S FOR ME. WHY DID YOU BRING ME HERE?
  • SPAWN: I felt this place was actually less judgmental than being above right now.
  • DOC: Much as I appreciate the gesture, I need to get out of here.
  • SPAWN: What's that old chestnut of advice, when you're in a hole, the first thing to do is stop digging.
  • DOC: That… actually makes a lot of sense. But I still have to find a way to address what's going on up there, and staying in Hell is making it worse. There's a sentence I never thought I'd have to say…
  • SPAWN: I understand. Well, I tried. Hopefully that counts for something. Both with you and whoever else is keeping score.
  • DOC: Appreciate it.
  • SPAWN: So let me just *hit* *roar* AHH!
  • DOC: What?
  • SPAWN: Malebolgia is back. He's still pissed off after the last time I killed him. You need to go, now!
  • DOC: So send me back up there!
  • SPAWN: I can't right now, it's a lengthy process and I can't afford to keep myself vulnerable that long. You'll have to find another way. Now RUN!
  • DOC: Oh my god oh my god oh my god… Eeeh… I just need to find a friendly face here…
  • CONSTANTINE: How about a familiar one?
  • DOC: JOHN? What are you doing here?
  • CONSTANTINE: Oh, a little of this, little of that… bigger question is what are YOU doing here?
  • DOC: Spawn dragged me down here and then he got attacked and I started running and I need to get out of here and PLEASE HELP.
  • CONSTANTINE: And why should I help you? After all, you thought I sounded like a bad Beatle impersonator.
  • DOC: What? How? That wasn't in the file.
  • CONSTANTINE: Not every truth is written down, love.
  • DOC: Whatever, I will wear a Liverpool jersey to my next session, I don't care. GET ME OUTTA HERE.
  • CONSTANTINE: That's the spirit. Before you go, indulge me. When you walk through a storm…
  • DOC: NOW!
  • CONSTANTINE: Alright, we'll sing later. This'll just take a moment, love. Nicoreen siagos acasha… *magical sound effects*
  • DOC: *gasp* *panting*... *to self* that was not fun. OK, Doc, what's the next step? Because I feel like I've been at this forever and I'm still no closer to finding an answer.
  • CATWOMAN: Maybe I can help?
  • DOC: Selina? Why?
  • CATWOMAN: You know me, I like to whip up a solution to a problem. *cracks whip*
  • DOC: As much as I love puns, this is NOT the time. So either help me, or get out of my way.
  • CATWOMAN: Oh, so serious all of a sudden. You're almost as bad as Bruce.
  • DOC: Look, if you're going to make jokes-
  • CATWOMAN: Fine. I can hack into a couple of mainframes and shut down major Internet pathways. It's not a complete solution, but it will help stop the spread.
  • DOC: That's… one of the first helpful ideas I've heard all day.
  • CATWOMAN: You're very welcome.
  • DOC: Why do I feel like there's a catch here?
  • CATWOMAN: Why Doctor, you wound me with your implication.
  • DOC: It's sore because it hits the spot.
  • CATWOMAN: UGH. OK. Your office is directly above a financial trading company. They have extensive resources, but they're taking advantage of a local indigent community and forcing them out so they can build another bland high-rise. I need you to get me into the building so I can… obtain some leverage over them.
  • DOC: So you take care of my immediate professional quandary and place me squarely in the middle of another one? I don't see how this works out in my favor.
  • CATWOMAN: C'mon, I scratch your back, you scratch mine. And my claws know how to dig deep.
  • SHE-HULK: If I didn't know any better, I'd say that sounds like a setup for blackmail, plus possible RICO charges for conspiracy. Not to mention the clear B&E, likely burglary… I mean the felony charges alone would eat up about 7 of those 9 lives you've got, right?
  • DOC: I don't say this often, but I'm glad to see a lawyer hanging around. Thanks Jen.
  • CATWOMAN: Goddamn lawyers ruin everything. You're no fun.
  • SHE-HULK: You're calling ME no fun? That's a first. At least since Aaron stopped writing me. Also, that's a pretty rich statement coming from someone dressed like Judi Dench's body double.
  • CATWOMAN: Such a low blow. I expected more from you.
  • SHE-HULK: Sorry to disappoint. If you leave now, I'll make sure they drop the charges. Keep talking, though, and I'll be ethically bound to cooperate with the investigation. The ass-kicking will just be a bonus.
  • CATWOMAN: This is why no one likes lawyers. You're all the same.
  • SHE-HULK: All the same? I'm eight feet tall and green. Aside from my cousin, who else is even remotely close to me?
  • DOC: OK, I think I'm gonna go and let you two sort this out.
  • CATWOMAN: *Green Giant jingle* Ho ho ho…
  • SHE-HULK: Oh, that is IT. The heels are coming off…
  • DOC: Later, ladies. *sound of actual catfight in background* Let's try Bruce again… *dialing* *teleportation sound* WHAT? NO!
  • MOJO: And here's the star of our show, ladies and gentlemen! Doctor Issues himself!
  • DOC: MOJO! Are you fu-
  • MOJO: Hey, watch the language, Doc, this is a primetime show. Gotta keep it family friendly.
  • DOC: What show are you talking about?
  • MOJO: Why, Doc on the Run, of course! It's the hottest new reality show in the Mojoverse! We've been watching you this whole time. Gotta say, loving all the twists and turns so far. But it's starting to feel a little stale at this point. I mean, how many times can you run into patients of yours who offer nothing but cliched phrases or try to kill you? You have to keep your audience guessing what's going to happen, but stunt casting only really works during sweeps.
  • DOC: This isn't a reality show, this is real life! I don't give a damn about your ratings!
  • MOJO: Of course you think it is. That's why your delivery is so great. But I'm not loving that last line. It's fine, we'll have the writers come up with something and you'll record an ADR session during editing. Gotta punch it up. Maybe curse a bit, we'll bleep you out and use it in the commercial. Oh, and speaking of punching, let's see what we can do about getting you involved in the fisticuffs. No sense in having everyone else fight around you, let's see how well you can hold your own in a fight.
  • DOC: I don't have time for this. And I'm certainly not fighting for your amusement.
  • MOJO: Oh, but don't you realize, Doc? EVERYTHING is for our amusement. Your fans adore you. Like this charming young fellow attached to his phone over here. Tell Doc how much you love his work.
  • FAN: Pleeeasssee… killlll meeee…
  • MOJO: Ungrateful whelp! I'll have you executed. But slowly, it'll be a miniseries. Anyway, back to Doc, let's knock down this fourth wall and see what you're made of. *shatter* Wait, that's not supposed to happen! Quick, get a camera over there and see what's going on! Camera 3, whip pan right now!
  • SUPERBOY PRIME: This isn't Earth Prime…
  • MOJO: Oh boy, ladies and germs, we've got an unexpected development here. Some jackass wearing a Superman costume has arrived. Say, lad, this is a closed set.
  • PRIME: I don't know who the hell you are, but no one orders me around.
  • MOJO: This is MY show, and I'm the one giving orders here.
  • PRIME: What kinda world is this where people take orders from an overweight half cyborg spider thing?
  • MOJO: THIS IS THE MOJOVERSE! And it's where you die!
  • DOC: Lemme jump through this portal real quick. YOINK! *teleportation sound* OK. No fighting, no Mojo, no Superboy Prime, so this is already a plus.
  • EEYORE: Hello there.
  • DOC: GAH!
  • EEYORE: You're awfully loud.
  • DOC: Eeyore?
  • EEYORE: Hi Doctor.
  • DOC: How did I end up in the Hundred Acre Wood? And why don't you seem shocked?
  • EEYORE: Don't know. I was just sitting here because I was supposed to have lunch with everyone. But it seems like they forgot me. Again. At least someone is here to talk to me.
  • DOC: I'm very sorry. However, I have bigger things to deal with right now, so I need to find a way out of here.
  • EEYORE: It's fine. Go ahead and leave. Everyone else has forgotten about me. You're no different.
  • DOC: No, it's not that, it's just… *sigh*. Maybe this is all a test. Maybe I should be taking the time to help others, and that's how I'll end up getting helped myself. So, Eeyore, let's take a sec and chat.
  • EEYORE: You mean it?
  • DOC: I do. I could use a break from the insanity for a moment. Let's just talk about whatever you want.
  • EEYORE: Thanks Doc. Well, yesterday I thought I'd lost my tail again.
  • DOC: That sounds unfortunate. Did you find it?
  • EEYORE: Yep.
  • DOC: That's great. Where was it?
  • EEYORE: Pinned to my hind end.
  • DOC: Oh.
  • EEYORE: Yup. Spent the whole day looking for it.
  • DOC: I see. *beat* Is that it?
  • EEYORE: Yup.
  • DOC: You sure there's nothing else you want to talk about?
  • EEYORE: Well, there is one other thing. You see, I *teleportation sound*
  • DOC: NO NOT AGAIN!
  • EEYORE: Well s**t.
  • THANOS: Doctor Issues. You created a web of lies and pain, and thought you could escape it. And where did that bring you? Back to me.
  • DOC: Thanos, I-
  • THANOS: Spare me your pitiful speech. You have unleashed a power equal to that of the Infinity Gems. This places you on a level close to me, and this is something I cannot permit to stand. So I have no choice but to kill you.
  • DOC: At this point, I barely have the desire to fight back.
  • THANOS: Oh that's a shame, because I've been looking forward to this for a while, and hearing your cries for mercy would have made victory that much sweeter. As it is I will acknowledge your acceptance. Farewell, Doctor.
  • NEBULA: Not so fast, father.
  • THANOS: Nebula, your betrayal is disappointing but not surprising.
  • NEBULA: YEAAAHHH! Doctor, I have brought you a ship. You can return to Earth.
  • DOC: Great, so I can go back and face all the people who want to kill me.
  • THANOS: I am happy to kill you right now.
  • NEBULA: Hnngghhh… that's exactly why you have to go back. If Thanos kills you, it will give him pleasure. And I cannot allow that to happen.
  • THANOS: This is not up to you, daughter. I have no qualms about killing you as a precursor to the doctor's death.
  • NEBULA: Doctor, you must leave. NOW. I will deal with my father. He will be made to suffer, as he did to me.
  • DOC: But I.
  • NEBULA: This is not a request. You did me a favor. Allow me to return it to you.
  • THANOS: You shall not leave, Doctor. I will obtain the Gems once again, and then I will bring you back here!
  • NEBULA: DOCTOR! GO!
  • DOC: Fine. But how do I even operate this thing?
  • NEBULA: It is programmed to warp you back to Earth. Just press the big yellow button.
  • THANOS: NO! I will not be denied!
  • DOC: OK, here goes nothing. *button sound* spaceship takes off *warp sound* *spaceship door opens* I… Hello and welcome to Capes on the Couch, where comics get counseling. I'm Dr. Issues. I just wanted to say to everyone that's listened to all these episodes. Thank you, I love you all. Through no intention of my own, there have been many things that have happened, I'm sure you've heard of them. I want to issue an apology to anyone & everyone. I don't have the proper words for this. I just, I don't know what to do. I have no idea how I'm even going to broadcast this, because I'm probably banned from every source possible, and I don't know how to get this to my cohost. But if anyone hears… *breaks down*
  • DOOM: CEASE YOUR INCESSANT AND UNNECESSARY TEARS, DOCTOR. YOUR PROBLEM HAS ALREADY BEEN RESOLVED THROUGH THE MIGHT OF DOOM.
  • DOC: *sniffles* Huh?
  • DOOM: DOOM HAS WIPED ALL TRACES OF THE FILES FROM THE WORLD.
  • DOC: WhahuhwhyhowWHAT?!?!
  • DOOM: YOU ARE NOW ALSO AN HONORARY CITIZEN OF LATVERIA AND WILL ALWAYS HAVE A PLACE TO RESIDE, SHOULD YOU CHOOSE.
  • DOC: What's the catch?
  • DOOM: THERE IS NO CATCH. THIS HAS ALREADY BEEN ACCOMPLISHED. DOOM SEEKS NOTHING FURTHER FROM YOU.
  • DOC: I want to say thank you. And I will. But first, WHY?
  • DOOM: MANY THINK DOOM AS TYRANNICAL, INCLUDING YOURSELF. BY THIS GESTURE, DOOM'S MAGNANIMITY WILL BE PRESERVED FOR ALL TIME.
  • DOC: Well, I have to say that-
  • DOOM: AND ALSO BECAUSE RICHARDS WAS UNABLE TO ARRIVE AT A SUPERIOR SOLUTION.
  • DOC: Aaaaand there it is.
  • DOOM: ONCE AGAIN PROVING THAT NONE ARE SUPERIOR TO DOOM.
  • DOC: Of course not.
  • DOOM: MOVING FORWARD, YOUR OPINION OF DOOM WILL BE ONE OF GRATITUDE AND APPRECIATION. WHATEVER PREVIOUS OPINION YOU HAD IS NOW IRRELEVANT.
  • DOC: Honestly, at this point, I can't even disagree with you. But I have to ask, aren't you concerned about all the people who tried to kill me? I mean, the files are eliminated, but the memories aren't. People still remember what I said about them. And they'll know you're responsible for getting rid of them. They'll come for you.
  • DOOM: LET THEM TRY. MANY HAVE ATTEMPTED TO USURP DOOM. AND YET DOOM REMAINS.
  • DOC: *sigh* Yep. Definitely not tyrannical at all.
  • DOOM: DOOM SENSES SOME SARCASM. THIS GESTURE CAN BE UNDONE JUST AS EASILY.
  • DOC: Noted. As a humble citizen of Latveria. My deepest appreciation… my liege.
  • DOOM: YOUR APPRECIATION IS NOTED, GOOD CITIZEN, AND-
  • DOC: Can I just ask one favor?
  • DOOM: YOU DARE ASK MORE OF DOOM THAN HAS ALREADY BEEN PROVIDED?
  • DOC: It's just… I need to get back home. Surely a simple task like this will not tax the might of Doom.
  • DOOM: FINE. BE GONE AND RETURN HOME. BUT BE SURE TO SPREAD THE WORD THAT DOOM IS THE ONE WHO DID THIS FOR YOU.
  • DOC: Oh don't worry, I'm telling everybody. Thanks Doc! *warp sound effect* Hoo boy, that was strange.
  • ANTHONY: WHAT THE HELL HAPPENED?!?!
  • DOC: Oh man, it was nuts. I tried to call Batman, and then I was dragged to hell by Spawn, and Kingpin had me in his limo, and I was in-
  • ANTHONY: No, I mean this burner phone Batman gave you has been sitting here ringing off the hook the whole time, but I didn't want to answer it because I figured it might explode, or it was wired to your DNA or something. You know how crafty Batman is.
  • DOC: Are. You. F**king. Kidding. Me.
• Ending
  • Thank yous: Dr. Goku from Guardians MH, Kate from IWB, Lisa from Comic Book Couples Counseling, my sister Angela, Doc's father, my wife
  • Next episodes: Moon Knight 2, Elsa Bloodstone, Holding Out for a Hero
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