Take Time to Process
Psalm 139:23-24
Search me, God, and know my heart; test me and know my anxious thoughts. See if there is any offensive way in me, and lead me in the way everlasting.
There have been many times in my life when battling bad feelings and negative thoughts about someone seemed to be a never-ending inner fight and turmoil within me. Prayer and confessing how I disliked someone seemed like a daily thing, but I remained relentless in the thought that I truly did not want anything wrong in my heart. As time would go on, the resentment and myriad other emotions about this individual gradually would fade, in so much that when someone would bring them up in a conversation for whatever reason, I wouldn’t get a sour feeling in my spirit. Wow, thank you God, I’m home free, I would think. I could speak to them in passing and even stop for a brief, limited conversation. Business as usual. But every so often, under just the right circumstances where this person would be near where I was, I would begin to feel like they were imposing on my personal space, putting a damper on my spirit and conflict yet again would raise its ugly head in my soul. What was wrong with me? Why wouldn’t these troubling feelings just leave and never return? I would find myself withdrawing from any interaction with others, and slowly revert back into myself. Fearing that this safe protection mechanism was becoming noticeable, conversation would be struck up with someone near to cover up that I was inwardly struggling. Pulling away later to contemplate what just happened, the realization comes that I need time to process within myself and before the Lord. Honestly, I feel like a failure in conquering this and I am having to repeat the same lesson over and over. I’m too tired to try to voice my feelings and discuss my thoughts with my husband or a close friend. It’s become old within me. Yet once again, before the day has finally ended, I take these incorrect feelings and assumptions and lay them down at the feet of Jesus. I wonder if I can hear Him whisper—“Oh, it’s Meredith again, bringing her bad feelings and thoughts concerning this same old issue. When will she really surrender this over to me?” Still I sense a much gentler nudge of the Holy Spirit encouraging me to not be so hard on myself, to give myself time to process all of these whirling emotions racing around inside my troubled heart. I believe this is what the psalmist is writing about in our verses today. Search me and know me, Lord. Cause me to relax and rest in Your great grace and unconditional love from this day forward and forever more. No, I’m not perfect, but human. And the Lord knows my frame. The smartest thing to do is to go directly to Him. Be completely honest and transparent giving yourself time to process what is really and truly going on. It’s ok not to have it all figured out immediately when you pray. Allow yourself to “just be” with Him. The Holy Spirit knows how to process even better than you do. Trust the Lord today.
What about you? Do you have someone you struggle with because of past disappointments and hurts? Have you fully forgiven them? Call out to Him today. He will fully pardon and heal you as you process what He has to say and what He wants to work and teach you. Have a great and peaceful day in Him.
