Love to hear from and know who is listening
When I grew up I was taught that men didn't cry. Men and especially fathers and husbands were the rock of the household. We were to be there for our children and wife in their time of need. We were to be the anchor in the storms of life. If we had any fear or anxiety of our own it was not to be shown. I believed that real men just stuffed their emotions down and put a big cork in the bottle. Don't take this wrong my father never explicitly told me this, it is just what I came to believe from watching the men that surrounded me. They always seemed to have it all together and there were no storms in life that they couldn't withstand. So I have became very good and stuffing my emotions down and keeping them all inside. No one really needs to know what is going on inside my head. Besides if I told my wife and mother of all the things I worried about then they would be upset as well, and in my point of view men were to be the problem solvers, not the problem makers. Well recently my emotions got the best of me. I work as a civilian vehicle inspector for the patrol. I have applied for the position of commercial vehicle officer. If I am selected for this position I would become a commissioned officer of the state. One step of the process is a polygraph, a lie detector test. I had never been through this process so I had no idea what to expect. The person administering the test began by showing me a sequence of numbers. In the middle of the sequence was a missing number. I was asked to write the missing number in. Then he hooked my up to the machine and told me he was going to ask me if I had written each of the numbers and I was to respond with “No” to each of questions including the one I had actually written. Once the questions were asked and answered I was shown the results of the polygraph. When I was asked about the number I had written down and I replied with a lie there was and obvious spike in the reading. It was obvious that I couldn't even hide a simple lie. I was told the point to the test was not to convict me of anything, but rather to see if I was a man of integrity. I was given an opportunity to answer every question asked on paper before the machine was hooked up again. Then when I was asked again the test administer would say, now other than the things we have discussed have you ever... Over the next 3 ½ hours I laid my life bear. I spoke about things I have never told anyone ever in my life, because in my mind I was certain if I didn't, I would be caught in my lie. 1 Timothy 1:15 NIV Here is a trustworthy saying that deserves full acceptance: Christ Jesus came into the world to save sinners—of whom I am the worst. When I left the room I felt like I was the scum of the earth, the worst sinner ever. My stomach was so upset I couldn't even eat my lunch. I am confident that everyone at work knows of my faith in God. I don't hide it, but now there was someone that knew all my dirty laundry and I do mean all of it! The devil immediately began telling me that I was nothing but a loser and now that the patrol knew the real me there is no way they are going to want you! I felt the weight of my past sins like I have never felt before in my life and it made me sick, literally! So today I am doing something I rarely do!!! I am asking for your help. I am admitting that I can't do this alone. I am asking that you pray that those who are going over the results of my polygraph test, that they see that I am not that man I once was. That because of the grace of God I may not be perfect, but I am forgiven! James 5:16 NIV Therefore confess your sins to each other and pray for each other so that you may be healed. The prayer of a righteous person is powerful and effective. I know that
