You can name the wound. You can trace it back to where it started. So why does the same nerve still get hit, and why do you still react the same way?
In this solo episode, licensed Marriage and Family Therapist Todd Creager talks about a pattern he sees often in his practice: people who have spent years in therapy, who understand their childhood and their patterns, and who still get flooded when their partner touches a sore spot. Todd is clear that understanding yourself is worth doing. His point is that it isn't enough on its own.
He walks through the internal family systems (IFS) model and the parts most people are living with without realizing it. The exiled parts carry the old wounds. The managers keep those wounds at a distance so you can function and succeed. The people-pleaser works to make sure people like you, because the exiled part never felt good enough. The firefighter shows up when something gets too close to the wound and puts out the fire however it can, through spending, food, escape into a device, or an affair.
Todd explains why traditional talk therapy tends to stay inside the narrative of your story and your history, while your parts live somewhere else entirely, in your body and your nervous system. A five-year-old carrying "I'm not safe" does not respond to hearing the reason it feels that way. It responds to being found and witnessed by Self, the part of you with the capacity to be calm, curious, compassionate and present. Protectors don't step aside because they've been analyzed. They step aside when they trust that Self can handle what's underneath.
Drawing on his years teaching students about attuning to children, Todd makes the same case for attuning to your own parts. Talking about a part is not the same as being with one.
If you've done the work and you're still stuck, Todd's message is that the problem was never your effort. Comment or reach out if this sounds like your experience. There is hope, and IFS is a vehicle that carries it.
If this episode resonates with you, please share it with someone who could benefit and leave a review. Your support helps us reach more couples who are ready to transform their lives.
Check out my complete program "From Bickering & Escalating to Connecting & Loving" for more in-depth guidance: https://www.toddcreagertraining.com/loving-connecting-masterclass
Todd Creager, LCSW, LMFT
Todd is a sex expert and therapist in Huntington Beach. He provides relationship coaching to couples throughout the world and in Orange County including Irvine, Newport Beach, Corona del Mar, Laguna Beach, Seal Beach and Long Beach. (714) 848-2288.
You can find more tips and resources from Todd Creager at: https://toddcreager.com
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