The Omaha Bugle's senior correspondents, Jeff and Adam, announce that the Omaha Bugle Global News Network is establishing a new kind of bank that will ultimately take a very unorthodox path to grow very big very quickly and thus become "too big to fail." Once the Omaha Bugle National Bank & Trust or OBNBT (pronounced ob . neb . ta) opens its doors, it will offer CD and savings accounts rates that are far above its competitors while throwing in gifts to new depositors such as toasters, flat screen TVs, and thirsty cotton robes monogrammed with "OBNBT", making it that perfect Valentine's Day gift. As the goal is to build the bank to a collossal size in a very brief time and thus ensure that it will be subsidized by the federal government forever, the OBNBT will also seek to acquire other banks--but only those banks that are spiraling into bankruptcy. As such, the OBNBT will be a contrarian financial institution with the goal of becoming the black hole of the American financial system and thus so important that the government will never let it go out of business but instead subsidize it to the tune of billions and billions of dollars. For example, Adam points out that the bank will utilize "blue-lining", an innovative technique whereby blue lines are drawn on maps around communities that boast well-to-do-consumers who are likely to pay their loans back. However, the bank will avoid those areas like the plague and seek borrowers who are not interested in making monthly payments at all but who consider loan defaults to be a badge of honor. Moreover, Adam states that borrowers will be evaluated based upon a proprietary inverse credit score standard; the lower the score, the better your chance for approval. Because many banks have failed with career bankers at the helm, Adam and Jeff, who have absolutely no banking experience at all, will guide the fortunes of the OBNBT but will make sure that they get their performance bonuses paid in cash (not bank stock) ahead of time--just in case things go sideways with the Department of Justice and the FBI.
