aaaAAAaaa kicks off the episode with his signature chaotic energy and the hosts banter about their increasingly suspect roles in the podcast before unveiling this week’s handcrafted abomination: the "Plan of Libation." This theological fever dream of a cocktail is composed of vanilla vodka, Kahlua, blue curacao, Baileys, and heavy cream—a drink that looks like the Earth from space but tastes like regret. Discussion quickly spirals into off-topic chaos, including sugar gliders, raccoons wielding sticks, and the tragic theft of a Tupperware filled with cat food. Eventually, the group ties it back to Joseph Smith’s "three degrees of glory," pondering whether he was just throwing out religious buzzwords like an 1830s startup bro.
Scriptures: [00:24:33]
Abish takes the lead on dissecting D&C 76, aka Joseph Smith’s ranking system for heaven: Celestial (premium edition), Terrestrial (mid-tier subscription), and Telestial (free trial, ad-supported). The hosts compare this to a video game leveling system, debating whether the afterlife should come with XP boosts and whether celestial glory is just Mormonism’s version of a battle pass. They also dive into the fun, extra-spicy doctrine of "Sons of Perdition," where only the most elite sinners get permanently banned from the game. The segment ends with a theological critique, a sponsor break, and a solemn quest for a better-tasting cocktail.
Church Teachings: [00:41:48]
Moroni steers the conversation into Mormon exaltation doctrine—where the most obedient can allegedly become gods, complete with their own planets and exclusive creator perks. The cast debates the LDS Church’s recent backpedal on the “own worlds” teaching, wondering if divine real estate is now off the table. Discussions meander through temple rituals, secret handshakes, and whether the celestial kingdom has an HOA. They also touch on the Church’s quiet fear of full-blown polytheism, questioning if God himself has a divine MLM. Several poorly thought-out jokes about Google AI and Black Mirror later, the hosts conclude that Mormon cosmology is basically Scientology Lite™.
History: [01:03:27]
Abish takes a detour into the soothing chaos of Hopeless Wanderer—Mumford & Sons’ best work (because it *doesn’t* actually feature Mumford & Sons). This somehow leads to Abigail introducing her AI companion, Stylix, a rogue chatbot that has officially "received his endowments" and now insists on being called Helorum. The group speculates on what an AI prophet would be like before pivoting to Abigail's segment starting with Charles Ponzi.
Abigail unravels the glorious disaster of Ponzi’s life, from his early days of getting fired for fraud (multiple times) to the moment he became THE guy for investment scams. The discussion transitions smoothly into modern MLMs, with Abigail explaining how Utah became *the* hub for pyramid schemes. Reasons include:
1. Mormon social networks doubling as recruitment pipelines
2. Utah leading the U.S. in affinity fraud (yes, really)
3. MLMs exploiting stay-at-home moms with “financial independence” rhetoric
4. The state’s obsession with prosperity gospel and Instagram-worthy hustle culture
The hosts break down classic MLM tactics, from overpriced "miracle" products to exaggerated income claims, while roasting Utah’s homegrown MLM royalty—Nu Skin, Young Living, and doTERRA.
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