Description

Send us a text

Ep. 055: Marriage and Attachment Styles

Can you give me any specific advice on how to deal with stonewalling in my marriage? How can I (as an anxious attachment style) better handle some of my negative thoughts towards my spouse, (an avoidant attachment style)? I know it’s probably not about me, but when my spouse shuts down and isn’t willing to communicate and share feelings, I start to feel crazy inside. At times I feel treated as though I don’t exist?

Demon Dialogues (Sue Johnson’s work, Hold Me Tight)

1. Finding the Bad Guy: We feel emotionally unsafe, we look for blame, we need help to get things back into control. 
   1. Anxious may blame self and fawn over spouse
   2. Avoidant may blame spouse
2. Protest Polka: Trying to get a response that connects and reassures. Often one partner is demanding, while the other partner is withdrawing. 
   1. This is the negative dance each relationship has: When you… I … 
3. Freeze and Flee: The pursuing partner stops trying for attention and backs off, over time the withdrawn partner can give up also and the relationship becomes stagnant. 
   1. We become good roommates and can even manage the kids well at times. 

Avoidant

Emotional Distance: People with avoidant attachment often keep emotional distance from others. They may struggle with intimacy and feel uncomfortable with close relationships.

Self-Reliance: They tend to be highly independent and rely on themselves rather than seeking support from others.

Discomfort with Closeness: They might feel uneasy when others get too close emotionally and might push people away to maintain their personal space.

Minimizing Feelings: These individuals often downplay their feelings and avoid discussing emotions, sometimes even with themselves.

Difficulty with Vulnerability: They find it hard to be vulnerable and may avoid situations where they need to depend on others.

Anxious

High Anxiety and Insecurity: Individuals with anxious attachment often feel insecure about their relationships and worry about being abandoned or not being loved.

Clinginess: They may display clingy or needy behavior, constantly seeking reassurance and validation from their partners or friends.

Fear of Abandonment: There is a pervasive fear of being left or rejected, leading to hypervigilance regarding their relationships.

Emotional Overdependence: These individuals tend to rely heavily on others for emotional support and validation.

Intense Emotional Reactions: They often experience intense emotions and may overreact to perceived slights or signs of rejection.