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Today we are going to talk about the dark and insidious world of gaslighting.
From the early 1939 play titled ‘Gaslight’ to the present psychological damage caused by gaslighting. We will tackle it all….. Hopefully.
Basic definition is a form of psychological manipulation in which one person seeks to make another person doubt their perceptions, memory, or reality.
Sarah Morales defines it as “When a person (or group of people) through covert behaviors convinces another person that what they think, believe, perceive or feel is inaccurate or invalid.” sarahmoralescoaching.com
Common traits and tactics of the gaslighter. [DISCLAIMER: Not all quotes are gaslighting]
- Denial of facts, change how thing happened: say “you’re just not remembering it right”
- Trivialize or Dismiss feelingings: say “you’re too sensitive” or “you’re overreacting, it’s really not that big a deal” or “why would you get so worked up over something so small”
- Omit important information: this leads to being misinformed and the gaslighter can manipulate with “more” information
- Blame: say “it’s all your fault” or switch the blame back onto himself by saying something like, “you’re right it’s always my fault, I don’t know why you’re with me anyway.”
- Undermine Confidence and create Confusion and Doubt: this causes a lot of second guessing and evolves to apologizing for things you didn’t do.
- Isolate the Victim: The more alone the victim is, the harder it becomes to see reality. This also creates a co-dependent relationship
- Shifting of the Narrative: Go read ‘1984’ by George Orwell, and how the “memory hole” is used to change public narrative and history.
How to Defend Yourself and Come Out on Top
- Trust your perception: Keep a journal, write down the conversations you have, how did you feel, what do you remember happening in the moment.
- Seek external validation: trusted family, friends, professional help, can all help you see a broader perspective of what might be happening
- Stick to one topic: avoid arguing about multiple topics, or realities, at one time.
- Set Boundaries: these will cover many areas of the relationship
- Increase self-care and support system
- Assertiveness Training
- Prepare to walk away and get legal support
