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Ep. 064 Fight Right - A Gottman Book Review

Plato: “Be Kind, for everyone you meet is fighting a hard battle.”

Epictetus: “We have two ears and one mouth so that we can listen twice as much as we speak.”

“It is not what you say, but how you say it.”

Cicero: “In anger, nothing right or judicious can be done.”

What do we really fight about? Most often NOTHING - meaning anything can turn into a fight

Bids for Connection - “anything you do or your partner does to try to get the other person’s attention and connection with them.” 

• Turn Towards - respond positively
• Turn Away - ignore or delay response, “In a minute”
• Turn Against - respond negatively

Two Types of Fights: Solvable vs Perpetual

Nearly 70% of all fights fall into the perpetual category. - “There is no magical, conflict-free relationship out there - it simply doesn’t exist. The goal then is to live well with these points of conflict - to accept that they are there and to approach them with compassion and curiosity rather than defensiveness and criticism.”

Major cause of a fight is when we dismiss our spouse’s negative emotions.

The Five Fights Everyone Has.

1. The Bomb Drop: - Mistake: Starting off Wrong 
   1. The Harsh Start-Up
      1. You Criticize 
      2. You Describe Your Partner Instead of Yourself
2. The Flood: - Mistake: Attacking, Defending, Withdrawing
   1. Express Your Needs. Don’t assume your spouse knows what they are.
   2. Small Repairs During Conflict
3. The Shallows: - Mistake: Skimming the Surface
   1. Gridlock
      1. Conflicts leave you feeling rejected
      2. Talk and talk  about issue and make zero progress
      3. Feel worse after talking, continued conflicts hurt
4. The Standoff: - Mistake: Competing to Win
   1. Trying to Persuade not Understand
5. The Chasm in the Room: - Mistake: Stewing about the fight
   1. Feelings - your own, not your partners
   2. Realities - your reality, take turns, summarize and validate
   3. Triggers - what memories or experiences are escalating things now
   4. Responsibility - your part of the problem 
   5. Constructive Planning - together, plan one way that each of you can make it better next time.