The Session: 5 Important Fundamentals of Strong Marriages, from The Gottman Institute
Genesis 2:24, "That is why a man leaves his father and mother and is united to his wife, and they become one flesh."
Research shows that the primary keys to staying married are not about avoiding conflict, but about building positive emotional habits, managing conflict constructively, and actively choosing the relationship.
The top five actionable things that significantly increase your probability of staying married include:
- Maintaining the "Magic Ratio": Couples who experience a ratio of at least five positive interactions for every one negative interaction during normal daily life are highly likely to have lasting marriages. This means building an emotional bank account through small compliments, expressions of appreciation, and inside jokes.
- Turning Toward Bids for Connection: In relationships, a partner makes "bids" when they reach out for attention, connection, or a response (e.g., pointing out a bird or sharing an interesting thought). According to The Gottman Institute, couples who stay together respond positively and lean into these bids 86% of the time, compared to 33% for couples who divorce.
- Avoiding the "Four Horsemen": Research shows you can predict divorce with scary accuracy if you allow four toxic communication patterns to take root: Criticism, Contempt, Defensiveness, and Stonewalling. Contempt—such as eye-rolling or mocking—is widely recognized as the single biggest predictor of relationship failure.
- Prioritizing Shared Time and Experiences: Research indicates that couples who engage in regular, dedicated date nights and invest in shared social and religious activities report significantly higher marital quality. Shared couple time reinforces your identity as a team rather than just two individuals co-existing.
- Accepting Influence and Tolerating Imperfection: Lasting relationships are built on compromise and accepting that most marital problems (about 69%) are perpetual issues rooted in personality differences. In heterosexual relationships specifically, research highlights that men who allow their wives to influence them and actively work to compromise have notably happier marriages.
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To reach Tom Russell, please call 419-709-8447, email Tom at tom.hccm@gmail.com, or visit his website at https://www.heritagechristiancounselingofmansfield.com
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