Why people hide their drinking from a partner, and what happens when they stop.
There is a version of you your partner knows, and a version that stays up after they go to bed. The distance between the two is not a character flaw. It is one of the most ordinary features of drinking more than you meant to, and the secret costs more to keep than the drinking does.
The concealment usually starts before the struggle does. Jonathan Ball was managing what his wife saw of his drinking early in their relationship, well before he would have called it a problem. Staying up after she fell asleep. Starting another film so he could keep going. Explaining away the glass of wine that spilled into the bed. By the time there was something real to tell her, the habit of not telling her was already years old.
What holds it in place is the arithmetic of disclosure rather than shame alone. Saying it out loud feels like signing something. If you tell the person you love that this is hard, the next line in the script appears to be "then stop", and you are not sure you want to stop or have any idea how. Ellen Biggs names the other half: you are guessing at the support you would get, and the guess is always the worst one. Someone counting your drinks. Someone watching your glass. She never gave her husband Chris the chance to answer, and when they finally talked about it, more than two years alcohol-free, his own read was that he probably would have built a spreadsheet, which he could see would not have helped.
What actually changes is the isolation. Shame is mold, and mold needs the dark. Said out loud, what comes back is closeness far more often than distance, and the thing you were bracing for turns out to have been a conversation that never happened.
You do not have to start with your partner. Get the reps somewhere lower stakes first, until the words come out steady. Then decide who gets them.
Work with Jonathan: https://livecreativeaf.com/ | Work with Ellen: https://ellenbiggscoaching.com/
CHAPTERS
00:00 Shame only grows in the dark
03:07 You are not the only one doing this
06:14 The wine that spilled in the bed
09:21 Presenting as a social drinker
12:28 Driving home to protect the image
15:35 Saying it out loud feels like a vow
18:42 What support could actually look like
21:49 Vulnerability usually brings closeness
24:56 Healthy differentiation, explained
28:03 Getting your reps in first
31:10 Chris and the spreadsheet
FROM THIS EPISODE
"It's easier to carry with other people."
QUESTIONS THIS EPISODE ANSWERS
Q: Why do people hide their drinking from their partner?
A: People hide their drinking from a partner because saying it out loud feels like a commitment to quit. Disclosure seems to close off the option of continuing, and it exposes the gap between the person your partner thinks they married and how you have been behaving in private.
Q: Should I tell my partner I am drinking too much?
A: Telling your partner you are drinking too much is a personal call rather than a rule, and it tends to go better once you have had practice saying it somewhere else first. In most cases disclosure produces more closeness than distance, because shame depends on staying hidden.
Q: What kind of support should I ask my partner for?
A: Ask your partner for a non-judgmental space rather than monitoring. Most partners default to counting drinks or watching your glass because it is the obvious move. Naming what actually helps, including no recrimination if you slip, gives them something genuinely useful to do.
Q: How do I talk to my partner about my drinking?
A: Talk to your partner about your drinking once you can say the words without flinching, which usually means practicing in a lower-stakes setting such as a group or with a coach. Lead with your own experience rather than a plan, and let them react on their own terms.
You do not need to wait for rock bottom.
You do not need more willpower.
You just need a new way to understand what you are feeling and why you are reaching for the next drink.
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Jonathan Ball, CreativeAF Coaching: https://livecreativeaf.com/
Ellen Biggs Coaching: https://ellenbiggscoaching.com/
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