What happens when a child asks a question the adults in the room aren’t ready to answer?
In this episode of Family Twist, Corey sits down with Dr. Vicki Sanders, a psychologist who has spent decades working with adopted and foster children, and the families raising them. Her work lives in the spaces most people avoid, the pauses, the deflections, the “we don’t need to talk about that right now” moments that shape identity in ways we don’t always see.
This conversation focuses on what children carry.
Dr. Vicki shares what she has witnessed again and again in therapy rooms:
• The questions adopted and foster children want to ask but are afraid to
• How silence, even well-intentioned silence, shapes identity
• The difference between protecting a child and protecting adult comfort
• What ambiguous loss looks like in children and teens
• How shame and secrecy can quietly impact attachment
• What it sounds like when a child tests whether it’s safe to be curious
We also talk about how adoptive and foster parents can respond differently, not perfectly, but openly. Dr. Vicki challenges the idea that love alone resolves identity tension. Instead, she offers practical ways to stay present when uncomfortable questions arise.
This is a conversation about courage, on both sides.
Catch Dr. Vicki at Untangling Our Roots
Dr. Vicki will be speaking at the upcoming Untangling Our Roots conference, where she’ll go deeper into:
• How to create emotional safety around hard conversations
• Supporting adopted and foster youth through identity exploration
• Recognizing trauma responses tied to secrecy and silence
• Practical language parents can use when biological family questions surface
If you’re attending UTOR, her session will offer tools you can take home immediately, whether you’re an adoptee, parent, clinician, or advocate.
If you’ve ever sensed there were things you weren’t allowed to ask, or if you’re raising a child who is beginning to ask them now, this episode is for you.
Family secrets are the ultimate plot twist.
About Dr. Vicki
Dr. Vicki is a licensed psychologist with decades of clinical experience working with adopted and foster children, adoptive families, and youth navigating attachment disruption and trauma. Her work centers on identity development, ambiguous loss, family systems, and helping children find language for experiences that often go unspoken.
She has supported foster youth transitioning into permanency, trained parents in trauma-informed care, and helped families move from silence and defensiveness to openness and emotional safety.
Through her clinical practice and public speaking, Dr. Vicki advocates for honest conversations that allow children to explore their origins without fear, shame, or secrecy.
