It’s one of the words Carolyn hears most in the Women’s Divorce Academy community, and it’s the one that keeps the most women stuck. In this solo episode, Carolyn sets the diagnosis question aside – nobody can answer it from the outside, and it turns out you don’t need to – and asks a more useful one: is this how your ex behaves, and what do you do about it?
She walks through how capable women end up in these relationships, what the pattern tends to look like once a separation is under way, and two techniques she has used herself for handling contact with a high-conflict ex. Then she explains why the real relief isn’t winning, and what it is instead.
Nothing in this episode is a diagnosis. If you’re frightened of your ex, please go straight to the support links below.
Key takeaways
- Only a psychologist or psychiatrist can diagnose narcissistic personality disorder, and your ex is unlikely to sit for it. The behaviour is the information, not the label.
- The intense, fast, flattering start to the relationship wasn’t a red flag you missed. Researchers have named the pattern, and the turn usually comes at the first disagreement.
- A stressed, frightened ex can behave badly for a while. A lifelong pattern that predates the separation is different. Disagreeing with you doesn’t make someone a narcissist.
- Grey rock: reply to logistics only, with no emotion, no explanation and no defence. Keep it for difficult situations, not dangerous ones.
- The perspex box: a way of managing contact on the inside, so what they say stops landing.
- The structural changes that take the fight out of the process – advice early, everything in one written channel, consent orders, child support through the agency, parallel parenting.
- You can only control what goes on in your home, in your head and in your thumbs. That’s enough.
Mentioned in this episode
- The TRUST Method quiz – find out which of the five stages you’re in, free: womensdivorceacademy.com/trust
- Women’s Divorce Academy membership: womensdivorceacademy.com/our-program
- Services Australia – child support: servicesaustralia.gov.au/child-support
- Family Advocacy and Support Services at the family court: fcfcoa.gov.au/fass
If you are not safe
- 1800RESPECT – 1800 737 732, 24 hours
- In an emergency, call 000
- Lifeline – 13 11 14
Sources
- healthdirect – Narcissistic personality disorder: healthdirect.gov.au/conditions/mental-health-conditions/narcissistic-personality-disorder-npd
- MedlinePlus – Narcissistic personality disorder: medlineplus.gov/ency/article/000934.htm
- Dhawan et al 2010, Prevalence and treatment of narcissistic personality disorder in the community: a systematic review
- Psychology Today – Love bombing: psychologytoday.com/us/basics/love-bombing
- Choosing Therapy – The grey rock method: choosingtherapy.com/grey-rock-method
Send Carolyn a text
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