Ten years on from separation, Carolyn is still in regular conflict with her ex-husband. It looks different now than it did at the start – but there always seems to be something in the process.
In this solo episode she opens up the arrangements she and her ex made at the beginning. One of them held. One of them didn't. And the reason the first one nearly came apart isn't the reason you'd expect – it had nothing to do with him.
She talks about the pressure separated women carry to be collaborative and get it right, and what happened to one woman she coached who spent a year interrogating her children on the drive home about what went on at their father's house.
And she makes a case that cuts against almost everything you'll hear about co-parenting: the thing most women treat as a last resort is the thing that gives you your life back.
If you're setting arrangements up now, or living inside ones that stopped working a while ago, this one is for you.
Links
Mentioned in this episode
- The Separated Mother's Toolkit – stellarcontent.thrivecart.com/separated-mothers-toolkit/ (there's a super useful parenting plan template you can add at the checkout too)
- 1800RESPECT – 1800 737 732, 24 hours – 1800respect.org.au
- Family Advocacy and Support Services (FASS) – free duty lawyers and support workers – fcfcoa.gov.au/fass
- Children's Contact Services – supervised changeover and contact – familyrelationships.gov.au
- Child support collection options – servicesaustralia.gov.au
- Independent Children's Lawyer – what they do and when they're appointed – fcfcoa.gov.au/fl/children/icl
Key takeaways
- Why an arrangement that was sensible at the start comes under pressure anyway – and why your ex isn't the only variable in it
- The difference between a parenting plan and consent orders, and what neither of them can do for you
- Why police don't enforce parenting orders, what actually happens when someone breaches them, and the one exception
- The counter-intuitive case for bringing outside services in early rather than treating them as a last resort
- What parallel parenting looks like day to day, and why choosing it isn't a failure to co-parent properly
- What the research says children need after separation – and why it isn't more contact time
- Where general co-parenting advice stops being useful, and what belongs around you if you've left an abusive relationship
Worth reading
- Australian Institute of Family Studies, Child wellbeing after parental separation – aifs.gov.au
- Harvard Center on the Developing Child, The Science of Resilience – developingchild.harvard.edu
- Australian Federal Police on breaches of family law and parenting orders – afp.gov.au
Support outside Australia
- UK – National Domestic Abuse Helpline, 0808 2000 247, free, 24 hours
- US – National Domestic Violence Hotline, 1-800-799-7233, or text START to 88788
- New Zealand – Are You OK, 0800 456 450. Women's Refuge, 0800 733 843
- Canada – ShelterSafe.ca will connect you with the right line for your province
Send Carolyn a text
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