Description

Hidden forces decide how we relate long before we name them. We sat down with Dr. Ken Quick to unpack Ivan Nagy’s “invisible loyalties,” a family systems lens that explains why churches so often feel like they’re living under unspoken contracts. Think of relationships as ledgers with credits and debits: gifts given, support expected, bids for connection that get received or ignored. When those ledgers are healthy, gratitude sets the tone. When they’re distorted, quiet debts become leverage and unity gets confused with silence.

We trace how family-of-origin patterns shape staff culture, elder dynamics, and the Sunday-morning hallway. You’ll hear why a congregant’s critique is often a bid for relationship, how historical hurts pre-load new leaders with negative balance, and where transactional leadership harms trust. We also wrestle with loyalty’s darker side: the “church princess” no one confronts, the blackballing that punishes honest staff, and the narcissistic demand for allegiance that corrodes discipleship.

Resources

• Ivan Boszormenyi-Nagy – Invisible Loyalties
• Edwin H. Friedman – Generation to Generation
• Edwin H. Friedman – A Failure of Nerve
• Murray Bowen – Family Therapy in Clinical Practice
• Chuck DeGroat – When Narcissism Comes to Church
  
  Exodus 20:12 – Honoring parents as a lifelong relational obligation.
  Romans 13:8 – Owing nothing except love.
  John 13:34–35 – Love as the identifying mark of Christian community.
  
  Definitions
  Invisible Loyalties – Nagy’s concept that family and relational systems carry intergenerational obligations and debts.
  Relational Ledger – The internal accounting of credits and debits that shapes expectations and reactions in relationships.
  Loyalty – A patterned sense of owed allegiance within a system; can be healthy or distorted into obligation or coercion.
  Family Systems Theory – A framework understanding individuals through emotional patterns and roles within their relational systems.
  Family of Origin – The system in which one first learns relational roles, values, and patterns.
  Honor–Shame / Owing Dynamics – Cultural and relational expectations of gratitude, obligation, and allegiance inherited across generations.

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