We are continuing our summer series called Partnership Building, where we are discussing the work of John Gottman.
Last week, we discussed how curiosity is the foundation for healthy, sustainable relationships. Gottman uses the term "cognitive room"—the ability to spontaneously recall details about positive qualities about their partner and their relationship. Cognitive room is fueled by curiosity, the strong desire to learn or know something. Cognitive room is something that continually develops; after all, we continually develop as humans. I'm not the same person as I was this time last year, and neither are you.
In this episode, we follow an online program of multiple randomly generated questions with everything from "Favorite sex scene from a movie?" to "What do you want your funeral to be like?" The purpose of this game is to inspire curiosity.
When we spend every day with our partner, sometimes it is hard to come up with creative and intriguing questions to ask one another and this is a great starting off point for serious and not-so-serious questions. Getting the ball rolling on curiosity is the most important thing. Listen to all the fun and unique questions throughout this episode to find out Julia and Jeremiah's biggest fears and favorite concerts!
Marriage Material (5:44): Julia shares, "Ideally the initial stage of a relationship development bonding happens in the first two years. And this involves people determining their common interests and values and sexual preferences, and creating experiences to explore all of those things and more. However, in the EMPish community, the bonding period gets tainted and intensified by the questions: Is this person marriage material, Am I marriage material? And are we not having sex?" EMPish communities push the idea that we have to assess if someone is "marriage material" from the onset of the relationship or that relationship is a waste of time.
Rephrasing for the Relationship (19:00): We got the question, "Is there anything I used to do that you miss?" We both did not have an answer; however, instead of getting stumped, we tailored it to your relationship. In changing the question, Julia got to hear a wonderful response from Jeremiah. These questions are building blocks and not set in stone.
Curious but Tired (27:00): Julia says, "Being curious about anyone takes work. And I love asking you about your day. And that is something that like takes effort. That is well worth it. And I wonder if something like this is helpful for like days or nights, not just for us, but for folks who like want to be curious but like are tired." We all care about our partner's days and lives but sometimes do not have the energy to figure out where to start the dialogue. These questions also change up the regularly scheduled programming because they open up more doors to a discussion that may have never come up. It goes back to the main idea that curious conversation keeps a relationship sustainable and enjoyable.
Playfulness (42:00): Jeremiah shares, "It's important for this curiosity to go beyond how are you, be as specific as you can in your curiosity games like the one that we played can help jog your creative juices and ask about things that. Plus, if you get a question that feels vulnerable or touchy, you can blame it on chance if the question came up. And then you can choose whether or not you want to answer it." These games do not have to be 100% serious; they can just be a fun activity that is a way of bonding. We bond with our partners over serious meaningful moments and conversations, but we also bond with them through jokes and laughter. Playfulness is a great way to spice up an otherwise boring night after work.
Check out the free question generator on minimizemymess.com, the app from The And, and a number of other card games with curious questions. Let's heal together!
