This summer, we're talking about seven principles of healthy relationships, according to relationship experts John and Julie Gottman. In the last two weeks, we've discussed the foundation of healthy relationships: curiosity. And in the next two episodes, we're talking about the practices of admiration and appreciation.
Be curious. Be positive. Sounds simple enough.
Except EMPish (Evangelical, Mormon, and Pentecostal) communities identify the success of the relationship not based on the ways that people solve problems together. Successful marriages happen when men and women effectively play the gender roles ascribed to them.
And no Christian resource describes this better than Emerson Eggerichs' Love and Respect: The Love She Most Desires, The Respect He Desperately Needs.
In this episode, we compare the Eggerichs' and Gottman's processes for exploring admiration and appreciation:
Parental Models (7:00): "We talked in church spaces and school spaces about being kind and grateful and positive, but I didn't see a lot of it modeled." Young children model after their parents, and when the models do not admire each other, we tend to mirror that in our own relationships. This episode is about initially breaking that pattern.
Jesus' Admiration (10:00): "I do have a deep hole within myself that the church told me only Jesus can fill, but perhaps the church created that hole with constant legalistic scrutiny for over two decades of my life, and now I am just constantly in need of someone telling me that I'm worthwhile and valuable. That is for my own therapy." Julia shares how the Church created this idea that the only person that can fill your heart is Jesus. This does not actually teach anyone how to do relationships, and, when coupled with the anxiety that you constantly have to ask Jesus and an erratic God into your heart, this creates a compulsive need for validation from others rooted in a fear of never being good enough.
Defaulting onto Gender Norms (11:00): Jeremiah shares, "If someone doesn't overtly teach you how to do something in a relationship, the easiest thing to do is to fall back on gender expectations. For me as a man, the most important gendered message was that men are leaders. Assume that you're gonna be in charge and that people want you to be in charge." When admiration for our partners is not taught or modeled, people can default onto gender norms as a way to show their appreciation. Appreciation then becomes about performing the gender role as opposed to celebrating the holistic person and uniqueness of the relationship.
What Does Respect Actually Mean? (27:00): Julia reflects, "I remember reading that sex was one of, if not the primary way, that men feel respected. The book also reinforced that I should be well groomed, made up, and lingerie wearing for when my husband comes home from work. Because of course I'm not working and he just needs sex for his own gratification." Jeremiah responds, "Respect communicates a power hierarchy, and adhering to the power hierarchy means men are at the top." The idea that women are "depriving" men of sex is a toxic idea that feeds into non-consent and un-enjoyable sex and relationships. When sex is viewed as a thing to be given and taken, it stops existing as a thing occurring between consenting people, but instead as a process of conquering.
We conclude the episode with Relationship 101, where Jeremiah states, "For you and I, practicing the Gottman value of nurturing fondness and admiration requires us to develop new interaction patterns that move away from gendered scripts of love and respect, and into collaborative and non-gendered dynamics based on admiration and fondness." The Gottman's labeled these six practices, the 6 magic hours, and Julia and Jeremiah offer advice on how to incorporate these into everyday life:
1. Partings. The Gottman suggests learning one thing that is happening in your partner's life before they leave for the workday or whatever else they may be doing.
2. Reunions. The Gottman suggests at least 20 minutes at the end of the day for a connection point that is purely for the sake of reestablishing intimacy and closeness. Julia offers, "For those of you who may be less inclined to physical touch, or need some other forms of connection before moving into a physical space. A reunion could include going out for ice cream, a short walk, or even just a curious conversation in which you take an active interest in your partner's day. Questions beyond "How was your day?"
3. Admiration and appreciation. Be explicit about what you love and value about your partner. Jeremiah shares how because of the context in which he grew up he sets reminders on his phone to text Julia appreciation and admiration, which can be helpful for those who also grew up in similar contexts.
4. Physical Touch. The Gottman suggests physical affection every day, especially before going to bed to be clear. This is not necessarily sexual affection. There will be episodes in the future tackling the topic for people who may not be comfortable with physical touch.
5. Date Night. The Gottman's encourage a two hour date night, once a week, the setting. "So do you go to a restaurant? Do you go out for a movie? The setting is less important than the process for communication and exploring deeper things about the other person." Julia says, and then adds that though this may not be attainable weekly for many people, even monthly or bi-monthly is great, and everyone is just doing the best they can.
6. State of the Union meeting. Jeremiah explains, "Gottman encourages a one hour business meeting each week to discuss practical and logistical aspects of your relationship, such as finances. Trips, meal planning, childcare, chores, et cetera." The state of the union keeps the administrative part of the relationship out of the romantic part of the relationship.
Healthy relationships include all six of these items; this week, focus on developing two of these in your relationship with your partner. And then, for the next month, build one item a week into your relationship building.
Let's heal together!
