Ashlie: (00:18)
Welcome back to another episode of Tactical Living by LEO Warriors. I'm your host, Ashlie Walton.
Clint: (00:23)
And I'm your co-host Clint Walton.
Ashlie: (00:26)
I have a funny story before we get started in today's episode. Clint and I have our studios upstairs in our house, not studios. We have one studio. And as we were walking up the stairs, he asked me if I want to know a fun fact and I said, sure. And he says, did you know that during the Superbowl there are more toilet flushes than there are any other time during the year? My response was silence.
Clint: (00:58)
Her response was, that's old news and
Ashlie: (01:01)
And then he went on to try to redeem himself. Then he says, did you know that the average toilet lifespan is 50 years?
Clint: (01:11)
You have two toilets in your life if you live to a hundred
Ashlie: (01:14)
And I said, no, I didn't know that. And it's funny because our toilets…our house was built in 2005 and the toilets here are not the newer ones, which are called hard flush toilets and we're getting ready to do some work on our house and we're having them replaced. So I don't think that 10 or the 50 year rule applies quite the same for everybody. But I digress. In today's episode we're going to talk about how difficult it is for some people to disconnect even when they're on vacation. So just sit back, relax and enjoy today's content.
Ashlie: (01:54)
I had a listener that I was able to meet up with in person last week. She is the girlfriend of a police officer and she's so sweet. She came back from a trip to Hawaii after seeing her family. She was born in Hawaii. She moved here when she was eight years old and her and her boyfriend went there just for a short vacation. She brought me back some chocolate covered macadamia nuts. They're absolutely delicious. Yes they were. We regretted eating them though, as soon as we put them in our mouth. She's telling me about how beautiful her trip was and you see her and she's glowing. You can tell she just was on vacation hanging out by the beach. She starts talking about her time with her boyfriend. They're in a very committed relationship and she loves him to death. You can just tell by the way that she talks about him…Her respect for him, her respect for his profession. She says that there was a moment when they were sitting there on the beach and it's just beautiful and as you listen, I'm not sure if you've ever been to Hawaii, but it certainly looks exactly like the photos and it's a dream vacation.
Ashlie: (03:14)
She looks over at her boyfriend and his playing on his phone. And I say playing, I'm not really sure what the context was or what he was doing on his phone, but I can't imagine that whatever he was doing was more important than sharing that moment in Hawaii with the sunset on the beach with his girlfriend.
Ashlie: (03:39)
And so she asked me some questions about why he might've done that. Why was it more important for him to be on his phone than to share that moment with her?
Ashlie: (03:49)
And we got into a pretty deep conversation. I started talking to her about a lot of stories that I've heard when it comes to the first responders that we work with or first responders that I talk to on a routine basis. And what happens is they're so used to being in a realm where they're constantly triggered and they're waiting for the next thing to happen. You have that built up anticipation. You're waiting to go on the next call. Somebody is always calling you. There's a radio always on. You're always hearing this chatter. You have the inner chatter in your own head and it never stops. And there's even been some studies that are diving into the possibility of PTSD and depression being related to first responders constantly having that stimulus and then when they go home, being in a surrounding where they're at such a low that they're constantly seeking out that stimulus some more, even when they're not on the clock.
Ashlie: (04:54)
And I pointed that out to her and I was explaining how being on his phone was probably not a disregard towards her. And they got into an argument over it. And I can tell by the way that she was talking that the argument built up in a way to where it was obviously something that meant enough to him for him to be triggered emotionally based on her response and action when she pointed it out.
Ashlie: (05:22)
And Clint, I just wonder what your take is?
Speaker 4: (05:25)
You know, as you're talking about this, I think back to the stories I hear of the old days where officers, they didn't have our computers in their cars. They just had to call dispatch over the radio. They would have to find the nearest payphone. They carried a pocket full of dimes or had tons of dimes with them and they would go to a pay phone and have to call dispatch to find out more circumstances revolving around the call. Revolving around what goes into it and in that I look at nowadays we have so much technology that we're wrapped around. I mean during my typical Workday, I'm tied into my phone all day and it's not playing games or checking Facebook. It's talking to community members, talking to business owners, talking to my bosses and having that level of connection all day long, 10 or 12 hours a day.
Clint: (06:29)
It becomes almost an attachment to you and you're checking your emails and what you see on a daily basis is you're always looking for the next thing that's coming. What do I have to do next? What do I need to look for? What is it that is popping up in society right now? Was there an officer shot? Was there another active shooter somewhere? Do I need to have my guard up because of something that may be going on somewhere else? In looking at that when I'm off duty, I kind of do the same thing. I have my phone with me, I check my work email. I ask myself what I have to do tomorrow? What's going on? How is this going to impact me at work? How is this going to impact policing in general? And it's something that I've recognized. It's hard to get away from that stimulus. Like you said, it is always there and it's just something that triggers you and when there's nothing going on, you think in the back of your mind, well, this is just the calm before the storm. And so us as police officers, we really want to focus on being prepared for that storm, not waiting for the storm to hit, then reacting to it. We like being proactive and that's how I look at that situation as you want to prepare yourself for what's to come next.
Ashlie: (08:05)
You touched on a lot of great points there and my response to her was probably not one that she wanted to hear. I just discussed with her the importance of taking a step back and understanding that as a police officer, as a long-term boyfriend, it takes a lot of learning when it comes to the dynamics of being in a relationship with the first responder. Essentially, his action of being in one of the most beautiful places in the world and feeling the need to look at his cell phone instead of the picturesque view in front of him is essentially built up in his human nature. He's trained to be that way and when you understand that there's nothing wrong with him for doing that, then it allows you to take a step back and breathe. Then recognize what is it exactly that you would have wanted out of that situation?
Clint: (09:02)
For me personally when it comes to having my cell phone on vacation, we've talked about this at length before is I take my cell phone and turn it off. The first couple of days are always hard because you had that craving, that addiction to look at your email, to talk to people, to, to keep remaining in touch with those friendships, those, those partnerships that you formed and after that, that day or two of really having it off your body recognizes it's almost not a part of you anymore and you're able to separate yourself from it.
Ashlie: (09:41)
That's a great point because we are not our cell phones. We think that by engaging through them that it gives us that human connection to what's on the other side. But in this situation, and I don't know this officer, but I really don't believe that that's the case. I don't believe that he associates himself and his identity with his phone. But I truly believe that he wasn't aware of what was happening in the moment until what was happening with her boiled up to the point of release and it turned into an argument. And I get that because I've been there before. We've been there before. We've been sitting on the couch and trying to just enjoy a moment. And I've made mentioned to you, you know, several years back, of how you're just watching your phone, like why do you need your phone right now? Or having a conversation and then you mindlessly pick up your phone in the middle of a conversation.
Ashlie: (10:37)
Like who cares? It's always going to be there. Whatever it is that message, that voicemail, chances are if someone's not banging on your door, then there's not a real emergency going on. And of course there's many times where you've been called into work for emergencies in the middle of the night, but chances are that doesn't happen on a regular basis for most people, whether you're a first responder or not. And in recognizing that there was a problem and it was something that she didn't like…my best advice to her and to anybody as you listen if you're experiencing or have experienced something similar, is to analyze a situation and present your opinions with some grace. And I say that from a place of really knowing how to format the conversation. And we've had these so many times throughout our marriage. We've been married now for almost 12 years and I can think of many times in recent time where the preface for the conversation would go something like, 'you know, we're in a good space.'
Ashlie: (11:49)
Usually that good space for whatever reason is when you're doing something mindless together, like driving in the car and you're both in a good mood. Maybe there's some good music on and you just stop for a second and you say, 'I want to talk about something. I don't want to create an argument or anything. We're both in a cool frame of mine. So is it okay with you if we just talk about what happened when we were in Hawaii and we got into an argument that way?' You're putting the ball in the other person's court and they don't feel threatened or like you're coming to attack them in any way and by laying the precedents for it and having it in a good setting to begin with. There really should be nothing off limits or off the table because you're in a relationship to where that communication needs to continue to grow.
Ashlie: (12:34)
And that's one of the easiest ways to do it. And by not attacking the other person, but still being true to yourself and understanding how important it is to fill up your own cup first. To have your own wants, your own desires, your own needs, and to be able to convey them to your partner in a way to where they're going to reciprocate in a respectful way. They should reciprocate in a respectful way and if their response is anything short of that, the hard truth is that you might want to reconsider that relationship. Those are some cold words to hear some times. And as you sit there, if those are words that are stabbing you in your chest, then maybe deep down you know that those words might be true for you. And the flip side of that is that excitement and that anticipation in knowing that you can have your own space to air the topics that are most important to you in a way to where it progresses, the relationship. And those arguments don't blow up in a way to where you don't want to sit next to each other on a flight home. And when you understand that you have the ability to still control your own wants and desires, even if you're in a relationship with somebody else and you have the ability then to share the opinions and to lend an ear and to be open-minded to whatever they share with you in return, then you're really able to enjoy your Tactical Living.
Balance. Optimize. Tactics.
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