Aaron talks with guest Mary B Safrit about the myths of being a Christian single and how to embrace your most unapologetic weird self.
marybsafrit.com
Production by Aaron Tosti
Theme Music by Steve Wilmot
All other Music by Soundstripe
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Intro
0 sec
Welcome to TKOL Podcast.. I'm Aaron Tosti.
A while back a good friend of mine said I should write a book called "The kind of love I'm getting I don't want, and the kind of love I want I ain't getting." an autobiography of weird love stories... so I made it into a podcast.
Not only to share my stories, but other peoples stories... maybe even yours.
Love gets weird some times right ? ...tell me about it
40 sec — Intro Narration by Aaron
Welcome, my podcast people, to a journey of self-discovery and unapologetic weirdness. In this episode, we dive into the world of Christian single-ness, exploring the myths and narratives that shape experiences as a single adult. If this
My guest Mary B joining us covers a spectrum of this conversation from the myth of the ideal Christian woman to hilarious dating stories and anecdotes. She leaves no stone unturned.
Mary B's mission is to help singles navigate the complexities of modern dating. From writing for a Christian audience to producing live events, her journey is as inspiring as it is relatable.
Our unexpected encounter on a ride share ride that sparked a deeper conversation between us, sharing experiences of loneliness to the power of storytelling therapy.
With laughter and introspection, we tackle the myths surrounding singleness and the pressure to conform to societal expectations. Mary B's hilarious dating stories and candid reflections on mindset shifts offer a refreshing take on the dating scene and just knowing that it is OK to be single.
So grab your favorite beverage as we start off chatting about coffee and Mary B's love for oat milk, as we take you on this rollercoaster ride of laughter, insight, and unabashed weirdness.
And if you stay til the end you'll hear about Mary B's interesting singles test that helps you approach going to weddings and embracing your quirks.Because in a world of funny and confusing dating experiences, owning your unapologetic inner weirdo might actually be the ultimate superpower.
2:50 min - Starting Banter
Aaron likes banter to get his day going
Espresso gets Mary B’s day going
Mary B will die on that hill of oat milk… Aaron not so much.
Things get unhinged when Mary B says “Mouth-feel”
4:50 min - Mary B helps singles
Aaron intro’s Mary B helping singles but not just a dating coach
She writes for a Christian audience
So much more to life than just dating for a single person
Mary B wants to fill the gap between what the church offers and what singles need
7:20 min - Mary B produces live events
Mary loves lives events and is and MC and Host
One of the things she does is variety shows
She loves being a fan girl
Her podcast interviews singles in the church
9:30 min - Why does Mary B help singles ?
It’s a massively underserved demographic in the church
Mary B stumbled into the process
Mary B moved to NY to become a singer
She has always loved writing, went to a writers group, brought an essay on being single
A friend thought she should write a book on her essay about single-ness, and her being an awkward person, and having conversations about dating and sex
She found her self doing a lot of research about the topic
She started her book 5 years ago
13:00 min - Robust Conversation about Singleness
She got curious about the topic of singleness
Everyone has a lot of opinions about it
People brought so much to this conversations and she wanted to shift the culture about being single
Own and be honest about the narratives we all about dating and being single
Recognize where singles are giving up our agency
14:45 min - Myth of the Ideal Christian Women
We all know the myth is BS, but singles compare themselves to that myth
“We can’t get where we want by starting where we think we should be, but where we are”
She started asking how can we
16:35 min - Aaron's Realtionship Awareness
Aaron’s talks throwback to the stories we tell ourselves
“oh it’s me”
Getting past the weird awkward stuff because We crave certainty but we want the kind of love we want but know how to get there
But you can get too attached to the narratives we tell ourselves
19:10 min - What’s a funny story Mary B?
Mary B has a couple stories
Mary B hasn’t dated a whole lot and feels like everyone else has the rules of the road but not her
She dated high school into collage then got on dating apps in 2019
She had an anxious energy she brought into dating that was this idea that “I don’t know what I’m doing”
She lived in perfectionism narratives like “Everyone gets to make mistakes, but I don’t” and you should have know better
21:50 min - Mary B’s Mindset Shift
Mindset shift… “nobody knows what they’re doing”
She was able to show up with more confidence
There was a lot of Fear running the show… desire for safety and control… keeping it at arms length
You can get lost in the ring, instead of being a player
Play to win
Her approach changed to Be your most unapologetic
25:40 min - Mary B’s other dating story
She’s a recovering people pleaser
Matched on hinge, low stakes
Night before the guy sends a paragraph of expectations that felt like “who hurt you?” energy
Guy over apologized through the whole night
Brought a rose, but apologized for it
29:45 min - Getting over overthinking and over apologizing
It made Mary b realize a lot about herself
What do I think I’m accomplishing about showing up like that
You think you’re being considerate, but it’s not about the other person but about you
Not giving the other person an opportunity to get to know them and connect
Make a request with out the “no worries”
Shift the focus from does this person like me, to do I like this person
Not being mean to yourself or playing down what you love doing
33:50 min - Everyone is an asshole
The spectrum of ass-holery
Mary B took the joke too far
You’re not giving them an opportunity to see what kind of asshole they are
Mary B has derped the hell out of this episode
36:50 min - Dating has been successful
Mary B is in her hot girl era
Know who you are and own it
The more comfortable with yourself you can be the more fun it can be
28:30 min - The Opposite of trauma is humor and play
Do the inner work
You can become a self help junkie… another state of weirdness purgatory
39:40 min - Ruminating is different than just DOING the thing
Her therapist asked.. “Have you really been trying?”
Metaphorically getting punched in the face
Highs and lows and building resilience
Learning your boundaries and values by actually DOING the thing
Shift of having the lived experience that proves she has the confidence
If we all looked at the things we are most scared about and then went and do it
42:50 min - Does Mary B ask people out ?
She asks out men successfully
She asks herself “is there a reciprocation of energy here?”
She spent a lot of time chasing people who had no interest in her
“I love me and my anxious attachment style”
Not setting up a pattern of always initiating
45:20 min - Mary B likes “the co-pursuit”
She likes a mix of both
I’ve asked you out
Back to the second dating story where the guy was his most apologetic self
It wasn’t what she was looking for
Mary B doesn’t want to be anyone’s mom or walk on egg shells
49 min - The Masculine and Feminine wobble
If a man isn’t secure in who he is, it’s going to make a wobble between him and the woman
Roll your eyes at the the kind of trauma that you don’t want
Milk the weirdness
Mary B says “Never underestimate the value that bring to relationships and your community”
You can follow Mary B at on instagram @maryb.safrit and website marybsafrit.com
54 min - Closing
Hey, Thank you so much for listening!
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Thanks again,
I’m Aaron.
Best of Love to You