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:23 min
Why do you think you people please? Why do you think anyone people pleases?
Do you people please? Do you say yes because you’re going to get acceptance or approval? Or win someone over by saying yes ?
Maybe you might get judged for saying “no”.
I’ve been an over committer for most of my life, and I would say yes to just anyone. I would say yes to any party, get together invite just to say yes to all of my friends and show up.
I remember showing up to parties for like and hour, and saying I have to go. Then I really never enjoyed the evening with anyone person because I was bouncing around to 3-4 different places just to show face and not spend any quality time.
I thought I had to be everything to everyone. That doesn’t sound exhausting does it?
I would say yes to helping someone right when I’m in the middle of doing good work.
2 min
When you people please you are signing an invisible contract.
The invisible contract that says now that I lowered my standards to meet your needs instead of mine, we both agree to treat me this way from now on.
And we do this unintentionally, invisibly, and unconsciously at first.
What’s helpful to ask yourself is, “what do I get out of making this person happy by not acknowledging and neglecting myself?”
We all want to be loved, so I don’t blame anyone for wanting to be love.
3:30 min
The thing is just how we go about trying to get our needs met.
People pleasing is a strategy on it’s own to get and instant gratification, not our actual needs met.
It’s a way to get the like, get someone to see your value in the moment, but sacrificing your time, energy, value, spreading yourself thin and not actually accomplishing much.
You become boundaries and spiral out of control, meeting the needs of everyone else, and teaching them that it’s ok to call on you and be at their beck and call, instead of address what you need to take care of in that moment.
4:20 min
The antidote is checking in with yourself and listening to your intuition in the moment when your people pleasing skills are being needed, and asking would this be harmful or helpful for me?
What am I teaching this person in this moment?
What am I training myself to do right now?
Whats in my best interest?
Am I neglecting my needs for the greater good? Or am I needing to be liked, approved of, accepted and loved?
It’s challenging in those moments to slow down and pause to acknowledge yourself, because you’ve trained yourself for so long to auto response and please others.
5:20 min
It’s time to pause and rethink your response. Reframe the story going on in your head. And choose a response that would be helpful and not harmful… to yourself.
Is the need they have urgent? Can it wait? Can anyone else take care of that need? Can they take care of that need themselves?
You don’t always have to be at everyone’s beck and call.
I had a wise friend once say, “never do something for someone else that they can do for themselves.”
Only do things for others that they can’t do themselves.
Ultimately you have to find your own self worth. And when you take one loving step with yourself, one kind step at a time, you begin to find your own self worth. These people pleasing responses will melt away.
6:15 min
Thank you so much for listening to TKOL podcast!
Was this helpful? What other questions do you have about being “people pleasy”?
I’d love to hear your thoughts. Please leave a review and let me know how you enjoyed this episode.
If you’re struggling with Harmful relationship Patterns. You’re feeling people Pleasy, Overthinking the Relationship, maybe you have an anxious attachment style… I’d love to connect with you and see if I can be of support!
You can connect with me on Instagram @aarontosti or you can visit the website thekindoflove.com
Thank you so much for listening to TKOL podcast.
I’m Aaron.
Best of love to you!