You have issues with your Dad. Whether you have a great, not-so-great, contentious, or non-existent relationship with him, there are bound to be some pain points that you’ve never talked to him or anyone else about. That’s why this month (June) we’re devoting every episode of The Man Rules podcast to exploring the good, the bad, and the ambivalent in regards to fatherhood.
In this episode, Dan kicks off Father’s Month by recommending that you write a letter to your Dad. You can talk about whatever you want and start however you would like. Just start the process and see what happens. You might talk about any lingering anger, sadness, pain, or frustration, you currently feel toward him. You don’t have to send it, of course. (In fact, in most cases, you probably shouldn’t send it. Even if you think you do want to send, it’s best to let it sit for at least 30 days before you make that decision.)
The idea of writing a “Dear Dad” letter automatically brings up a lot of resistance in people. When Dan asks people to write this same letter in his workshops, many people get angry, defensive, and uncomfortable. Each person’s stated reason for not wanting to do it is unique, but subconsciously, it all likely boils down to one thing— fear. Opening those old wounds can change the way you see your father for better and worse. Whether you idolize or vilify your father, chances are, writing this letter will bring him up (or down) to a human level. And, that can start to break down some of the usual defences and coping mechanisms you’ve developed around that relationship. Seeing your father in black and white terms— as either a total saint or totally irredeemable asshole— might be preventing you from seeing him fully, and as result, might also prevent you from seeing yourself fully. And, as if that wasn’t enough, your relationships with all other men have been shaped in large part by your relationship with your father; heal your wounds with your father and you’ll likely heal your wounds with other men.
If you approach this exercise openly and honestly, you might start to uncover unhealthy perceptions and patterns of behavior you’ve never noticed before. And, that’s a very important step toward living more consciously.
Finally, remember this: You cannot write the WRONG letter but you can write the EASY letter.
