Summary: This discussion is about radical self-acceptance and love, not the self-serving love we may have been taught to think self-love is, but having a high regard for your own well-being and happiness. Learning what your needs are and not sacrificing them to please someone else. We visit judging ourselves and how forgiveness and compassion relieve that critical voice. This discussion will continue in Can I Really Love Myself Part 2.
[00:00:02] Vicki: Hi, Laurie. I'm so glad you're here. Thank you for joining me.
[00:00:07] Laurie Schible: Absolutely. This is so exciting and such an honor to be here with you today, Vicki.
[00:00:13] Vicki: Thank you. Our topic today is Can I Really Love Myself. I'm really excited about this topic with you because I know that you have a coaching business and you've done a lot of self-work yourself on this topic. To make sure that we get it right, I'll ask you to introduce yourself and tell us what you're up to and what you do.
[00:00:39] Laurie: Yes, thank you. My name is Laurie Schible. My business is Laurie Schible Coaching. I spent 20 years in the corporate world. I lived the constant roller coaster of burnout in and out, high stress for a very long time. I never felt that I belonged. One thing that was consistent throughout my career is I really loved and honored the role of leadership and of mentor. It through a series of events brought me into this space of coaching which feels like such a gift to have found this and I feel it is truly a calling for me. I am so passionate about helping people have their breakthroughs and live better lives.
Where I really focus on is I really help business owners and professionals manage their minds and their emotions so they can create the life and the work that they truly desire. What I have learned is that we are the only things really ever getting in the way. It is about the mind chatter that happens automatically that creates a whole rapid-fire series of feelings and emotions that stop us or hold us back more than anything. I help people open up to these blind spots and understand how to truly have radical acceptance, love of themselves, and empower themselves so they can really create the love of life and work that they desire. That in a nutshell is what I do.
[00:02:33] Vicki: I love that. It feels exciting. I can see your passion for what you do in your face, in your voice. Let's start with the concept of loving yourself, what that means in everyday life. How would you define it?
[00:02:52] Laurie: It's such a great question, Vicki. I think it is something that we're really not taught in our society because self-love, the phrase in and of itself, can go two ways. It can go the way of what we talk about, or it can go the way of ego-centric, self-centered. We're so conditioned that that is where we lead, that sometimes people really shy away from this radical self-acceptance and self-love because we automatically go to like, "That's so egotistical or on conceited." and that's not what it actually means.
That is an entirely different thing. To be honest, people who are very conceited or self-centered are generally actually very insecure and are very much looking for something and don't really contain self-love. For me, self-love really means having a high regard for your own well-being and happiness. It's about taking care of your own needs and not sacrificing your well-being to please others.
[00:04:17] Vicki: I love that. That's my definition too. [laughs] How did you know that?
[00:04:24] Laurie: We're so in line.
[00:04:25] Vicki: Yes. Given that, what qualities would I embody to love myself? Could it be just compassion and caring but also tough love? Could that work in there?
[00:04:40] Laurie: Yes, both, actually. Here's the thing. Compassion is a huge part of this, and the tough love piece comes from something we'll talk about in a little bit around how to do that in a neutral way so that we're not highly judgmental because really the secret, the qualities are about radical self-acceptance and self-approval. When we approve ourselves exactly as we are, then everything in life works.
This means that we have radical acceptance of our now and we celebrate exactly who we are in this very moment. Even as we grow and evolve and we go through the hard times and we falter and as we have breakthroughs to get to our next level, we're constantly celebrating who we are in this very moment and in the next very moment, the good, the bad, the ugly, all along the way.
When we can have that level of radical self-acceptance and take ownership of everything that happens, be willing to get it wrong and to learn, celebrate when we have success, and when that happens, celebrate all of the parts of us, that's when things get really fun, and that's when we really create the joy and the happiness. Self-love with compassion, grace, and honor is what helps us create that happiness and joy in life. That actually comes first.
We talk a lot about- people are like, "Okay, one day, when I get to this place of my career and my business gets to this level and I'm in a good relationship and I have this and I have that, then I'll be happy." That's actually backward thinking. Then really the secret around self-love is owning all of it and finding joy in who we are in every moment. When we feel joyful now, that is actually the fuel that drives our motivation to go do all the things that we desire to do and that's where we create new opportunities, and we make more money, and we actually open up our minds and we become even more creative. It's a way of being that actually comes first, and self-acceptance comes first. Then all these little miracles happen all over the place. When we do it that way, it seems to happen without effort. That really comes from being intentional about our way of being before we go to do all the things that we desire to do.
[00:07:49] Vicki: I appreciate that a lot, that comment that it can be effortless almost and a sense of ease instead of the driving and striving and working and trying and pushing ourselves that I was conditioned to do in the corporate world.
[00:08:10] Laurie: It's interesting because it doesn't come without hard work and effort, but when we push and we are constantly in that, what we're actually creating is resistance. We're trying to force it. When we actually come from an intentional place that this actually gets to be easy, it doesn't mean that we're not working hard or doing a lot of our efforting, it's about how we're stepping into it. We can be just as busy throughout the day, and if our intentionality is this gets to be fun and easy, we can be super productive and have it feel good and actually have it just flow very naturally instead of it feeling very stressful and overwhelming and exhausting. That's a really, really radical difference in how we approach our work.
[00:09:19] Vicki: I agree 100%. What might a daily practice include to be self-loving?
[00:09:28] Laurie: Well, it's an interesting question, Vicki. I always say to my clients, the first anything that we do, it starts with ourselves. We talk about this radical self-acceptance and self-approval, and when we have that, we love ourselves, we create that. It's so critical for us to love ourselves, accept ourselves first. We are conditioned to look external for all our answers, for approval, for what's right or wrong. It's just we are conditioned that as a society to look outside ourselves for all of that, but, truly, the only answer comes from within.
We're the only ones that know truly what is right for us in any given moment. That's why it is so important to start from within and to trust ourselves. There're a few steps in that. First is really trusting yourself, trusting your intuition, knowing that you always have the answers, and really listening in. Another big factor is about forgiveness. When I say forgiveness, forgiveness really comes from- it might be forgiving others, it's also about forgiving ourselves. When we are struggling, a good example is all of the dis-ease that happens in our system that can cause diseases and a lot of other things, it usually comes from some state of unforgiveness that were living within our bodies. When we're holding onto grudges, resentment, or disappointment, when we actually give that up and we let it go is when we find peace within. That's when we come back into alignment with ourselves, and we have the acceptance of ourselves. Does that make sense?
[00:11:45] Vicki: I love that concept. It makes perfect sense.
[00:11:49] Laurie: It is important to note, too, forgiving is not about condoning the bad behavior of others. It's just about being willing to actually let it go because when we hold on, the only person that we are actually hurting is ourselves. All we have to do is really just be willing to forgive. When we let go, we release ourselves from the burden and then we love ourselves enough to get out from under that burden. That's really important.
Another component of it is forgiving ourselves. I have an interesting exercise that I use. I have a daily practice that I'll share what I do. It helps me really be intentional about what way of being am I choosing to come from as I go about my day, and I tie in what do I get to believe in order to make all of this possible. My personal morning practice, I actually go through- this doesn't take very long, I will go through just some quick journaling, and I just go through an assessment of "What am I thinking? What am I feeling?" because our thoughts and our feelings from most of us tend to run us. That's why it is so important to become aware of what we're actually thinking because our thoughts are so automated, they become habitual.
Even our feelings, the feeling of self-doubt, the feeling of overwhelm, overwhelm is actually just a feeling, and overwhelm tends to come in when we are avoiding doing something because, at the root, we doubt ourselves, or we might feel impostor syndrome where we're comparing ourselves to someone else, like, "Oh, I could never be like that," and then we doubt ourselves. At the root for almost everyone is that we don't feel we're enough.
Understanding that is when we journal, it helps us uncover for ourselves what's actually going on underneath the situation of what's happening. Taking a few minutes to just journal and think about, "What are the thoughts? What am I feeling? What's actually creating it? What's actually true?" that helps us outline what are just our own thoughts and feelings versus what's actually true, what are the facts, what could we prove in a court of law versus thoughts and feelings which, most of the time, aren't even true. They're just things that go flooding through our system, most of which aren't true, so then we get to decipher.
Doing a brief journaling exercise helps me decipher that. It's really self-coaching, so I do that. Then I have a list of beliefs that I say to myself each day, and they're reminders for me of who I'm stepping into. It's important to state to believe in the present time. As part of my beliefs, I have my list here, "I am at peace. I am constantly generating money flow easily." Beliefs you want to state in the present tense as if they're already happening because the words that we say, our brains are hearing.
Think about all the things that we say to ourselves, the inner critic, all the harsh things that we say, our brain is always listening. Our brain doesn't decipher between good and bad; it just hears what it hears and then our brain goes to work on making what it hears come true because our brain is just hardwired to keep us safe, our brain is going to do whatever it takes to keep us safe. If we are stating, "This is something as if it is already true," the brain goes, "Oh, okay. This is how it is." Then our brain will start reinforcing that. It's a really interesting dynamic around belief work, though we're not really taught because that really embodies our way of being. It's just really more of a feminine quality, not male-female, just in terms of feminine energy versus masculine energy.
Feminine energy is all about flow, intentionality. Masculine energy is about linear thinking, thought process, critical thinking. Both are valuable and beautiful. We all have access to all of them, and as a culture, we've all- men, women, children, everyone, have been taught to really lean into our masculine energy. It feels different to lean into this intentionality and way of being. When we practice it on a daily basis, it's profound how different it can actually take you through the course of your day.
I do quick journaling, and then I go through my belief statements, and I say them as if they're already true. Sometimes I do a brief meditation. Meditation is literally nothing more than just really sitting still, deep breathing, and emptying out your mind. You're really uncluttering your mental and emotional space, that's really all of that is. When you clear out all the clutter because most of what's happening in our brain, it's a lot of our critical thoughts and then tons of stuff from the external world that we've consumed. Meditation helps us unclutter our minds and our emotions and start from a clean slate. That's my morning practice, and especially on the days where I am feeling doubt, where my inner critic is starting to take over, I notice that in my journaling. I jot it down and then I write, "What do I choose to believe instead?" Then I go through that process. That, to me, has been a really profound way for me to start my day that has been what has helped me catapult my business forward.
[00:18:57] Vicki: I appreciate your comments because I think that as a society, we're also trained that once you learn something, it's the same as implementation, and that's just not the truth. We have to do something to make it real. I can slip back into that negative critical thinking without that self-awareness that journaling, and meditating provides. And clearing that space to let that critical voice come back up and say, "Oh, there you are again, you pesky little fellow."
[laughter]
[00:19:33] Vicki: It wants to slap you down a little bit and put in something a little more self-loving and self-caring in our thinking. I love that.
[00:19:43] Laurie: I'm so glad you brought that up because that being kind to our self and not criticizing our self is what leads to self-love. We all know, we all have that inner voice that so harshly judge us, the inner critic, like the things that we say to ourselves in our head, we would never say to anyone else. It's that voice, that is us thinking and criticizing ourselves. When we're criticizing ourselves, it's hard to love ourselves. That's the catching ourselves in the act of that and then going, "Oh, okay, what's actually true here?" Then feeding ourselves with what we know is true and what we believe and desire to be true. That is a huge shift. That is very, very helpful and this morning practice really helps put aside that inner critic and those judgmental thoughts and replace them with what we desire to think and to feel.
[00:20:57] Vicki: If our best friend was talking to us, what would they say, right?
[00:21:00] Laurie: Yes.
