Due to some recent events in my own life... some well intentioned, good, and kind hearted friends have offered the theoretically consoling words "Everything happens for a reason." Or my more religious friends say, "Well you know God has a plan for you, and this is part of his plan."
So that sparked my idea for this week's show.
Do you believe everything happens for a reason?
And what does that mean for you?
When you know someone is suffering do you tell them "everything happens for a reason"?
Is it only when bad things happen you need to rationalize the events? Or do you spend equal time contemplating the reason good things as well?
Do you just assume that the reason is a good one? Is it good for everyone?
What about bad people?
And regarding about God's plan...
Do you believe that all events that occur in a person's life is part of God's plan for them?
Are we predestined to march through life on a set course filled with so many rewards and so many traps simply awaiting our arrival?
Amazingly you don't have to believe in God to hold that view.
An atheist can argue that we are just random chemicals brought together by chance, and because of our accidental birth we engage in a trajectory that leads to our ultimate destination. Like a comet darting through space. Anything that happens along the way, was a cause set in motion regardless of our existence and there was nothing we could have done about it anyway.
In the words of Dennis Prager, "Life is Relentless." There is no pause button for life so you can catch up on an email, take out the trash, pay some bills, or run upstairs to stop your kids from fighting. Life and all it brings with it just keep coming. Life truly is relentless. It keeps delivering both the good and the bad, and there is nothing you can do to control the delivery system. Nope, try as we might, and delude ourselves as we do, ultimately life happens as it happens and all we can do is deal with its relentlessness.
So, since there is no remote control for life available so we can change channels, rewind, pause, or fast forward (or even hit the mute button) - how is one to deal with life's ups and downs?
Well one way is to remind ourselves that everyone else has a life similar to yours in the sense that they too suffer, and they too celebrate. You are not alone. No one has a life free of suffering, pain, or misfortune. Never assume that anyone has perfect life or a life without problems. This reminds me of another line from Dennis where he cites rabbi Telushkin's mother. I think the story was had something to do with them discussing people who they assumed had happy or charmed lives, and Mrs. Telushkin chimed in "The only happy people I know are people I don't know well." Her point is that we should not be envious of others lives, nor should we ever assume that we know the extent of suffering in others lives. All of us exist with problems.
So for instance, just to be open with you... I was recently lied to and it has cost me a lot of money. And it's more than the money. They stole my trust. They stole my wife and children's hopes. They were intentionally deceitful, but at least it was caught in time before anything major had happened. This is all in reference to me selling my house, and I don't want to get into the gory details. Lets just say that I have learned a rather expensive lesson in real estate.
Now, I was mad. Still am actually... again about the lying. But one of the ways I calmed myself was I just kept thinking this stuff must happen all the time in real estate. I asked some realtors and they confirmed my suspicions. But most people don't talk about it. Perhaps they would feel embarrassed? My point though is that simply knowing that I'm not the first or last this will happen to helps me cope.
Also, along those same lines I personally hold the philosophy "this too shall pass." Both good and bad in life is fleeting. Associated with the wise King Solomon, this reminder can help keep you from living life to high or too low. But it is for you to determine for yourself, and not for you to suggest to someone else. Also, I think this saying is often misunderstood. When I remind myself that "this too shall pass" it is not that so much that I am thinking about the situation (because the truth is the situation may remain unchanging as in the case of a loved one's death.) Rather it is too keep my mind aware that the way I feel about something will change (as in the way I feel about the loved one's death.)
The other coping method I use is to change my perspective. "It's just a house." "It's just money." "It's just frustrating." "You still have your family." "You still have your health." "You caught it fast enough to not be out to much." "You just paid a small fee for a good education in real-estate." So on and so forth. I turn down the volume and intensity of the situation and reframe it in ways that empower me. Again this helps me cope with life's relentlessness. But it's me that engages in my perspective change. I would not try to change someone else's perspective without their permission. If they are looking for change then that's a different scenario.
So yes, I personally try to find meaningful and empowering reasons behind what are considered otherwise misfortunes in my life. But, again I do it for myself. I don't go to someone else who is suffering and say "Well you know everything happens for a reason."
First of all I don't know if that is true.
I believe some things happen for a reason. But everything?
Do I think God has a plan for us? It would seem like he has a plan for some. Namely those who look to Him sincerely and consistently for guidance. But do I believe Hitler was part of God's plan? No. Do I believe that Stalin and his aftermath in Mao, Lenin, Pol Pot, etc. were simply living out God's plan for them? No.
Sometimes evil simply happens. It was not that God willed it or that it was part of his plan. Rather it was due to the people who committed the evil. They alone are responsible for the horrors they inflicted. And neither is it God's job to thwart their plans and actions. Rather it is ours. We are fight evil and burn it out of our midst. Were God to constantly intervene then we would quickly lose our free will and truly everything (including the will of Man) would be dictated by the Ineffable. Life as we know it would no longer exist.
And sometimes seemingly random accidents with tragic results happen. Actually everyday, and probably at every moment somewhere something life altering is happening to someone. Everyday a dad leaves for work in the morning and is killed in a car wreck on the freeway. Or someone's child is diagnosed with cancer. For someone today, February 6, 2014 will be a day they will never forget because it changed the rest of their life.
That is life.
And this leads me to a TED talk I wanted to share with you from Joshua Prager. Joshua Prager is a writer and journalist whose works can be found in Vanity Fair, The New York Times, and The Wall Street Journal. He has written two books "The Echoing Green" and "Half-Life." In 1990, Joshua was paralyzed in a road accident in Israel when a truck driver rammed into the minibus in which he was riding. He is the son of physician and medical ethics expert Kenneth Prager, and yes he is the nephew of the oft-cited Dennis Prager.
Here's Joshua Pragers story...
The philosophy he gained from Viktor Frankle is among the most beneficial mindsets one can have. Where Prager states "what makes most of us who we are most of all is not our minds and not our bodies and not what happens to us, but how we respond to what happens to us." That is what we are to do for ourselves when bad things happen.
But that does not mean that we should push others into that mindset when they are not ready for it.
When your loved one is suffering simply be there for them. Perhaps when the time is appropriate you can plant seeds of encouragement and help them come to a meaningful understanding for the problems they are facing. But I urge you not to simply belch out the cliche "Everything happens for a reason!" when ever you witness someone suffering. If you are uncomfortable and do not know what else to say... then say nothing... be silent... listen... or simply be present with them.
Know that your well intentioned "God's plan" or "happens for a reason" or "this too shall pass" statements may be heard as dismissive or even foolish to those who are in pain.
It is up to the individual in pain to find meaning for their suffering. If they invite your help, and you have the tools to aid them... then do so. But perhaps we can learn from Joshua Prager and tell a story that explains this life philosophy in a way that brings dignity to the person and their situation.
Again to reiterate from Prager's story:
"...that what makes most of us who we are most of all is not our minds and not our bodies and not what happens to us, but how we respond to what happens to us. "This," wrote the psychiatrist Viktor Frankl, "is the last of the human freedoms: to choose one's attitude in any given set of circumstances."".
"Herman Melville wrote, that "truly to enjoy bodily warmth, some small part of you must be cold, for there is no quality in this world that is not what it is merely by contrast."
So ultimately you get to choose for yourself whether or not there is reason underlying every brush stroke that eventually paints the canvas of your life.
