ultimateissues's podcast

UI 045: The First Step to Doing Good...

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620px-Eugene_de_Blaas_The_Friendly_GossipsIn my intro I read: Psalm 34 starting with verse 11 from the NIV version (34+11=45).  In the Jewish Bibles it would be 12 -15... but then that would't work to equal 45...

The most recent Prager University course is "Are People Born Good?"  Okay, so Prager and I  agree that people are not born good.  They are born innocent, but not basically good nor evil.  And we have free will to develop our character in whichever fashion we choose.  We can choose to do good or not. So how do we do that? How does one begin to do good? Well the rabbis answered that question like this:


The first step to doing good is to avoid evil.

So now you must ask yourself, "Do I avoid evil?" I am going to venture a guess that you are not a murderer, rapists, kidnapper, torturer, thief, or criminal.  Great!!!  So far you have avoided some pretty serious evils. But are there any major evils are you not avoiding?  I'll bet there is at least one. I will argue that many people not only do not avoid this evil, but they actually take pleasure in it.  Some even justify it and claim that it is purposeful and a good thing. What is this ubiquitous evil? In Hebrew it is called Lashon Hara and literally means "evil tongue" or "evil language", but in English it is usually just equated to "gossip."  And yes lashon hara does pertain to gossip, but really it pertains to so much more. People greatly underestimate the amount of lashon hara they engage in. Here is a great test I learned from Rabbi Telushkin: Can you go for 24 hours without saying any unkind words about or to anyone (assuming you are around people much of the day)? If not then you likely have a real problem.  You are not in control your own words and are addicted to lashon hara.  And as rabbi Telushkin says:

"If you can not go for 24 hours without drinking liquor, you are addicted to alcohol. If you can not go for 24 hours without smoking, you are addicted to nicotine. Similarly, if you can not go for 24 hours without saying unkind words about others, you have lost control of your tongue."

And if you think you can, then really try this test out for yourself.  Or try these: Next time you are going to be around people (family, synagogue, church, restaurant, dinner party, etc.) see for yourself whether or not you can go for just those few hours without saying anything unkind about or to anyone. Or over the next two days, become hyperaware of the your conversations.  Make note of how often either you or someone in your presence says something negative about someone.  Write it down and also record your emotional state at that time. And really the restrictions get more stringent the more you study lashon hara.  Over the year of reading the "Chofetz Chaim", I found myself not wanting to say a word to anyone ever.  Though I am again talkative now, there was a significant portion of that year where I was almost afraid to speak.  His book really made me rethink the way I speak, what I speak about, and what I will even allow myself to listen to. Another great book was Telushkin's "Words that Hurt, Words that Heal."  Again a great book that further refined my speech and behavior. Now some of us are sicker than others.  Surely I was not the best or worst person out there in regards to lashon hara.  Regardless, I personally have a lot of work to do regarding it, and I don't even enjoy talking about people.  I honestly cannot imagine how hard it must be for those who truly enjoy talking about people. I'm sure many folks believe I'm overthinking lashon hara or take it too serious.  But it is terribly serious.  In Judaism we are taught that evil speech or public humiliation should be as detestable to us as unjust violence. Rabbi Telushkin writes:

"An old Jewish teaching compares the tongue to an arrow: "Why not another weapon--a sword, for example?," one rabbi asks. "Because," he is told, "if a man unsheathes his sword to kill his friend, and his friend pleads with him and begs for mercy, the man may be mollified and return the sword to its scabbard. But an arrow, once it is shot, can not be resumed."

This comparison is more than a useful metaphor. Because words can be used to inflict devastating and irrevocable suffering, Jewish teachings go so far as to compare cruel words to murder. A penitent thief can return the money he has stolen; a murderer, no matter how sincerely he repents, can not restore his victim to life. Similarly, one who damages another's reputation through malicious gossip or who humiliates another publicly never fully can undo the damage."

So this is why I may appear rude to some when I cutoff their conversation if it goes into lashon hara or I may simply walk away.  Sometimes I have found myself in a catch-22 of sorts, where getting them to stop speaking evil of another will necessarily cause public humiliation for the one speaking.  Both are serious evils I should avoid. Anyway, the point is that while you and most people in general may think they are good people (as I stated earlier: You don't violate any major offenses, and you probably avoid many other obviously evil behaviors) you still must avoid a tremendous evil which is subtle and accepted by much of society. To do good, you must also work to avoid evil speech (lashon hara.) Sure you are good in all other kinds of ways, but you really should do a self inventory and figure out how much of this plays into your life.  I know for some this is no big deal, and lashon hara so easy to do - and hard to avoid.  And besides everyone does it.  BUT regardless its still evil!  If you found out your kid was cheating on tests and he answered back, "Look the teacher doesn't seem to care, and all the kids are doing it.  Plus, look I'm learning valuable lessons on how to outsource."  My dream is that you would still be deeply disappointed in your kid's behavior, and you would still prohibit cheating... along with administer some form of punishment for past transgressions.  Why?  Because cheating hurts so many people along with your own child.  It is a form of theft and deception.  Cheating corrupts the soul.  You don't think so?  I remember cheating in school.  The first time I did it, I felt sick.  Then after getting away with it, and rationalizing it (i.e. "everyone is doing it" "no one seems to care" etc.) it got easier and easier, until I did not even recognize when I would do it. This weeks parsha is Metzorah, and the rabbis have a field day relating how the spiritual "disease" of tzaraat and tamei are related to lashon hara.  First, we have the word play that is lost in translation.  The rabbis teach that Metzorah is related to "motzi shem ra" which roughly means "bringing evil to a name."  Today, the term metzorah is understood as a "gossiper." And we see that when our characters in the Torah speak lashon hara or gossip they seem to be afflicted with the spiritual disease of tzaraat or even worse.  I can appreciate how this would be helpful today.  Can you imagine that if you or anyone were to gossip or speak ill to someone then your skin would transform into white flaky scales?  No dermatologist or steroid would help, only ritual purification and your cessation of evil speech would be the cure. Pretty cool right?  That would help deter our current mindset regarding evil speech. It would definitely help if we had such physical examples of how powerful and impactful our words are.  The Torah is adamant about this subject.  God uses "speech" to create the whole Universe!  And regarding this subject of lashon hara just 2 verses before one the most famous verses "...Love  your neighbor as yourself, I am the Lord." (Lev. 19:18) we have told "You shall not go about as a talebearer among your people..." (Lev. 19:16).  But what does that really mean? Well again we have a play on words that is lost in translation.  The word translated as "talebearer" is rakhil which can be related to the word regel which literally means "foot" but in this context would mean "peddler".  So we can understand it to mean "don't go about peddling gossip or tales about people."  And let's just look at these verse in context because it is fascinating:

Leviticus 19 (JPS):

11Ye shall not steal; neither shall ye deal falsely, nor lie one to another. 12And ye shall not swear by My name falsely, so that thou profane the name of thy God: I am the LORD. 13Thou shalt not oppress thy neighbour, nor rob him; the wages of a hired servant shall not abide with thee all night until the morning.14Thou shalt not curse the deaf, nor put a stumbling-block before the blind, but thou shalt fear thy God: I am the LORD. 15Ye shall do no unrighteousness in judgment; thou shalt not respect the person of the poor, nor favour the person of the mighty; but in righteousness shalt thou judge thy neighbour. 16Thou shalt not go up and down as a talebearer among thy people; neither shalt thou stand idly by the blood of thy neighbour: I am the LORD. 17Thou shalt not hate thy brother in thy heart; thou shalt surely rebuke thy neighbour, and not bear sin because of him. 18Thou shalt not take vengeance, nor bear any grudge against the children of thy people, but thou shalt love thy neighbour as thyself: I am the LORD.

So you see how among all these great sins God includes lashon hara.  He takes it seriously and so should we! Okay so maybe now you are onboard regarding the need to avoid lashon hara. What is next? Well in order to avoid something we must first know what we are to avoid. So in a nutshell lashon hara refers to "any derogatory or damaging statement against an individual. In Hilchot Deot 7:5, Maimonides supplies a litmus test for determining whether something is or isn't Lashon Hara:

Anything which, if it would be publicized, would cause the subject physical or monetary damage, or would cause him anguish or fear, is Lashon Hara." (torah.org)

The Five Categories of Lashon Hara:

  • Rechilut: Speech That Causes Disputes
  • Lashon Hara: Harmful or Derogatory Speech
  • Motzi Shem Ra: Harmful or Derogatory Speech that is Untrue 
  • Ona’at Devarim: Speech That Causes Pain
  • Avak Lashon Hara: Speech Bordering On Lashon Hara 

So now that we have an idea of what constitutes lashon hara how do avoid it? Not so fast, I have learned the hard way that just knowing a behavior is wrong and trying to change it doesn't often work well.  It is extremely important to acknowledge why we do the negative behavior.  I believe all negative behavior start with a positive intent - though obviously the results are not positive.  In general I will say that people's positive intent with lashon hara begins with the desire to entertain, seem interesting, falsely elevate themselves, or feel important. Below are more reasons for lashon hara (from morashasyllabus.com):
  • Negativity – a negative attitude toward others means that one will always find faults to mention.
  • Arrogance – if a person is arrogant and feels that he is superior to others, he will be moreinclined to speak negatively about them.
  • Hatred – causes one to speak negatively about even the positive actions of the other person!
  • Anger – causes one to be less careful with what he says.
  • Jealousy – as long as we are bothered by another person’s accomplishments, we will findsomething negative to focus on.
  • Excessive empty talk – people can end up talking about other people and their weaknesses ifthey have nothing constructive to discuss.

And so now with that understood, we can start to think "If I never stop speaking lashon hara what will I be like in another year?  How about if I change nothing about my speech and lets be real it's only getting worse, what will my character be like in 5 years of speaking even more lashon hara?  How many people will I hurt in the process?  How many souls will be affected by my lack of control of my speech over if I continue the way I have for another 20 years? And get real with yourself.  Imagine yourself one, five, ten, and twenty years later and all the souls you have harmed and all the destruction you have caused if you never change.  Imagine that every person you spoke about found out!  If you are having a hard time empathizing, then imagine all that is being spoken about you by others and how that would make you feel.  Lies, rumors, allegations, attacks, and the like over the next 10 or 20 years... But it doesn't have to be that way.  You can only control you and that is HUGE.  You can be an example for others, and you can take yourself out of the equation.  You can now begin to stop committing one of the greatest evils TODAY! You ready? Here's how... First we have developed a huge why. All this stuff I have spoken about over the last hour is why we must stop.  If you have a big enough why you will figure out the how. Next here are some tips to avoiding lashon hara from morashasyllabus.com:
  • 1. Focus on the positive in others – it is the way of the wise to focus on the positive in everyone, especially since each person is made in the image of God.
  • 2. Develop humility – being humble means that one speaks gently, avoids arguments and is a pleasure to be around.
  • 3. Love others as yourself – just as you wouldn’t want someone speaking lashon hara about you, don’t do it to someone else.
  • 4. Control anger – speaking gently and responding patiently, even for just fifteen minutes a day, will change a person’s speaking habits.
  • 5. See yourself as a soul, not as a body – identify oneself as a soul living in a limitless world, instead of as a body competing for limited resources. When one does this, one is less inclined to criticize someone else’s success.
  • 6. Develop constructive and productive speaking habits, because we are prone to speak lashon hara when engaged in idle chatter. Practice remaining silent if one has nothing positive to say.
  • 7. We pray that God assist us in our ongoing effort to improve our speech.
  • 8. Study Torah in order to help refine one’s character and understand the significance andguidelines of proper speech.

and here are some helpful hints from Prager and Telushkin's  book Nine Questions People Ask About Judaism:
  1. "Speak as much as possible about issues rather than about detail's of people's lives.
  2. Sometimes it is important to speak of a person's negative qualities - as, for example, in a letter of recommendation. Otherwise, don't do so.  The general rule is: Do not transmit negative information about a person unless it is essential that someone have this information.
  3. Since speaking about other people's lives is so tempting and difficult to stop entirely, confine gossip to one intimate friend (such as your spouse) and end it there.
  4. Try to avoid spending time with people who gossip.  Either choose the company of people with elevated taste, or, if you cannot avoid being with gossips, try to change the topic.  If necessary, tell them why you are doing so.  Don't be offensive, but if it is unavoidable, offend them.  It is better to offend the perpetrators of gossip than to conspire in destroying people whose private lives are being dissected.  Besides, in all likelihood.  You too will soon become a victim of these gossips."
And if nothing else, keep it simple and remember what the Talmud teaches about lashon hara:
Lashon hara kills three: the person who speaks it, the person who hears it, and the person about whom it is told.  ~(Talmud Arachin 15b)

Make lashon hara as evil as murder in your mind and you will work just as hard to avoid it and prevent it. You may not be involved in killing them physically, but you are involved in character assassination. Finally I will conclude with one of my favorite stories regarding lashon hara:

A Jewish folktale, set in 19th-century Eastern Europe, tells of a man who went through a small community slandering the rabbi. One day, feeling suddenly remorseful, he begged the rabbi for forgiveness and offered to undergo any form of penance to make amends. The rabbi told him to take a feather pillow from his home, cut it open, and scatter the feathers to the wind. The man did as he was told and returned to the rabbi. He asked, "Am I now forgiven?"

"Almost," came the response. "You just have to perform one last task: Go and gather all the feathers."

"But that's impossible," the man protested, "for the wind has already scattered them."

"Precisely," the rabbi answered.

The rabbi in this story understands that words define our place in the world.

Once our place--in other words, our reputation--is defined, it is very difficult to change, particularly if it is negative.


 We speak thousands of words every day. Our words have enormous power and we should exercise tremendous power over them. With God's help, I pray we learn to use them only for the purpose of goodness.