Shannon Miles, author of The Third Option, is the CEO of Belay, an Inc 500 FastestGrowing Company and the winner of Entrepreneur’s Number One Company Culture awards. But that’s not what this episode is about.
You see, Shannon believes in living life more fully. For her, that also means being a great mom and a great wife.
In this episode, Shannon tells us why a woman doesn’t have to choose between a career and her family but can actually have both and succeed. If you’re a woman who wants to have the best of work and life, this episode is for you.
Get Shannon’s new book The Third Option on Amazon.
Find out more at MyThirdOption.com.
Shannon Miles: I was in my late 20s, climbing the corporate ladder, and I finally landed my dream job in the corporation that I had been with for the last four years. I was loving it. Brian and I had been married for a while and decided, “Okay, now’s a great time to have a baby.”
I was selling healthcare software, which may sound super boring, but that was my world. I was selling systems to clients who already had our software, so it was theoretically an easier sell.
I loved the energy of it and the opportunity for travel and the satisfaction of closing a deal.
Charlie Hoehn: Awesome. You two were ready to have a baby?
Shannon Miles: Yeah. You got everything in line, you’re like, “Okay, let’s just mix this all up.” Fortunately, we were able to have Rainey right away, and she totally wrecked me.
Sticking to the Plan
Shannon Miles: The plan was to go back to that perfect job and for Brian to continue on his path and his sales job as well. So we found a nanny while I was on my three month maternity leave, hired her, brought her on, and that was the plan.
After I went back to work, it started to become obvious that this actually wasn’t a sustainable plan.
I didn’t factor in the love of this little baby girl.
On paper it all made sense. You know, we’re just going to keep doing what we do. We hadn’t planned financially for either of us to quit our jobs.
We were going to make it work. I held her and I’m like, my gosh, this little tiny thing needs me so much and I love her, and I can’t imagine both of us maintaining these sales jobs, traveling around and essentially having a nanny care for her.
That was the crisis for us.
Charlie Hoehn: What month did that really hit you?
Shannon Miles: She was about six months old when we realized, okay, this can’t continue on. It was a tough time in our house because we were stretched financially.
We both had to keep working.
We had, fortunately, worked to get out of massive amounts of debt that we accumulated when we were in college together and young and married and stupid.
Still, you know, you spend the money you make, right? We were saving for retirement and stuff like that, but there was not a lot of margin. Not the luxury of just saying, “Okay, somebody just quit their job and we’ll just figure it out,” that just wasn’t an option at that point.
An Either/Or Situation
Shannon Miles:There was this tension between the reality of the situation, knowing we couldn’t continue on with the way things were going, but then also knowing we had to make a change.
They’re only little for so long, and the sacrifice of the time away wasn’t going to be worth it for our family.
We were faced with this decision. It seemed like, “Okay, I have one of two options.” I keep going and push through and think, okay, this is probably just hormones, it’s going to be fine. You know, she’s not going to be ruined.
Continue working full time or quit.
That seemed like the two options, then we just sell our house or figure out some way to cut our expenses so much that we can make it work.
Even on the table was should Brian quit his job? Because we’re making the same amount of money at the time, but there was more potential for him and his job.
We were just sort of in this turmoil for the first six months of her life trying to figure out what our lives really needed to look like now.
When Options Seem Limited
Charlie Hoehn: I’m excited to talk about this. What happened next? What happened next in your story?
Shannon Miles: I love that this is so real for you right now because I think so many families struggle with the decision that you and your wife are going through right now and Brian and I went through so many years ago.
Sometimes it takes situations like this to really distill down what your priorities are.
We finally made the decision, I’m going to do a part time thing, thinking it is a bridge to staying home.”
But the reality is, I never really wanted to be a stay at home mom.
I wanted to have it all. I wanted to have my time with Rainey but I still wanted to work. I loved working. I’ve been earning money since I was 10 years old.
To just not work and just stay home with a child, while that is very admirable and a path that a lot of men and women choose, I honestly didn’t feel like that was my path.
But, I felt like it was the only option I had.
That’s why – the whole concept of the third option in the book and everything is like, we really have more options than we think that we do.
For me, part time project management, work from home, go to the client site a couple of days a week was perfect. It just kept working. I got paid out those old commissions, I was able to do something that, in hindsight, I had naturally gravitated toward anyway.
What is The Third Option
Charlie Hoehn: How would you distill down the explanation of The Third Option?
Shannon Miles: It is recrafting your work to work for you. Whether that’s a part time virtual opportunity like I took or a full time virtual opportunity.
We’re seeing that work more and more for people, but it is truly virtual. That’s the differentiating factor for this because the tie of having to fight through the traffic, to have to schedule childcare or care for your elderly parents. Whatever your family obligations or pulls are.
When you’re not able to be in your home, it’s really hard to manage all of it getting done.
You know, when I first started writing the book, I did gear a lot around part time working, but the truth is, as I started doing more research and telling more stories that are represented in the book, the third option can really work in a full time capacity too.
I’ve had a lot of women tell me, “I left my corporate job, I still needed and wanted to work, I still wanted to earn an income, but I could not go into the office one more day. It was sucking the life out of me.”
Honestly, it’s going to sound dramatic and I don’t want it to, but it’s the reality.
People were telling me like, I was having health problems, I was physically ill.
It blows my mind that employers are so rigid on this idea of you must come in to the office, you must prove your worth by being here and your loyalty and if you’re not here, I don’t trust that you’re working.
Because the reality is, they’re not getting the best out of their employees. They’re forcing them in this situation that is unsustainable, it’s unfulfilling and it doesn’t work. And they’re losing great talent because the world is waking up to the idea that for a lot of our jobs, you can do them in your home.
The Third Option Mindset
Charlie Hoehn: What is really ‘The Third Option Mindset’? How do we make that shift?
Shannon Miles: We get told all the time, “I hope this is real, I hope that this is everything you’re telling me it’s going to be because if it is, it’s awesome.”
You can go research everything in the book like these are real people, real stories, real statistics, I promise.
The mindset is the idea that you really can have it all, I know that there’s this debate in our culture right now, is work life balance achievable?Is it even a thing? Should we call it integration? Whatever that is.
I’m here to tell you, the mindset is that you can have a fulfilling personal life, you can have your family obligations met, you can direct your time as needed, and you can still be an effective professional.
When Balance Became Reality
Charlie Hoehn: Tell me the story of when you really experienced that for the first time. Tell me about that day where you were like, “Holy cow! I did it.”
Shannon Miles: Going to my client site like, “Oh my god I only have to do this two days this week.” It felt so good to know where I was going to spend my time that week, which I know sounds crazy, but I was happy to leave the house and leave Rainey. I knew that the next day I was going to get to be with her all day, and I knew I was really going to be able to have it all.
It enabled me to focus and have mindfulness on what I needed to do at that moment.
I knew that when I was going to the client site, that’s where my energy needed to be. Then when I was home the next day, I needed to be focused on Rainey.
Now here’s the thing about the mindset though, Charlie, you can dream about the possibilities and you can decide, “Okay yeah that there are options right for me,” but it is not, once you make that decision, it is not always easy.
It is something you have to decide over and over again because things change.
Seasons change. Your nine month old is not going to be nine months old forever, right? So they are going to start crawling and walking and switching nap times and entering a preschool program.
All of these things affect your day to day decisions and time and where you’re directing it. So it’s a mindset that you have to continue to fight for and decide to choose every day and not give up. If it is something that you’re convicted about like I mentioned earlier, it doesn’t mean it panacea there on out.
There are challenges.
Committing to Your Third Option
Shannon Miles:Your childcare providers are people. They are not 100% reliable, so you have to restructure things. I tell a story in the book that it is still very vivid for me today.
So, this third option thing worked for me for a very long time all the way through having Harper in 2008, our son, and I had taken another three month maternity leave.
Went back to work after having him, and at that point, I had moved up from 20 to 30 hours a week. So it is still part time, but a little bit more full time.
I was like, “I got this. I did the one kid thing, let me do the two kid thing. This is easy.”
And I am in the car, and I think I left work, I picked the kids up from my mom’s. I have to run to the grocery store, I am on a conference call with my client, Harper is losing his mind in the backseat. It was contagious so then Rainey started losing her mind. She was only three at this point.
And I totally lost my mind. But not before the client was like, “So Shannon what do you think?”
And I’m like, “Oh shoot, no!” So I go off mute, he’s red faced losing his mind and I am in a public parking lot, and I was like, “Yeah, it’s a great idea. I agree.” Back on mute.
And I did, I lost my mind. I screamed in the car with them.
That was the moment I realized multitasking is not always a good thing.
I needed to go back to that separation of when I’m working I’m working, when I’m with the kids, I am with the kids. Because especially at that age, to ask them, “Hey could you zip it. I am on a call,” doesn’t happen, right?
So I was putting undue stress on them, on me. I wasn’t giving my client and my company my all. That was the moment I was like, “Okay if I am going to make this work for the long term, if I am truly going to live out this third option, I’ve got to put some structure and parameters around how to make this work.”
Because that situation is not sustainable, not good for anybody.
Not Quite Prepared
Charlie Hoehn: What were you not prepared for?
Shannon Miles: Well first was how much I freaking love this little people. I mean even having a spouse is just different. I felt this huge sense of, I don’t know, like super hero obligation. Like I must protect and provide for this baby, and that’s really the underlying emotion of needing to make a change with my profession.
So many people that I’ve talked to have struggled with that same thing, but the reality is that whole professional side of you, if you really love working and you love developing yourself and growing your career, that doesn’t die when you have a baby.
It just changes.
So that’s why you have to constantly navigate priorities in different seasons of your life to make it all work.
Charlie Hoehn: How do we make it work? How do we set ourselves up for success with The Third Option?
Shannon Miles: Well one step is you have to take care of yourself. If you think that you are going to be all things to all people and all of your names are going to go in the back burner like that is not sustainable, that doesn’t work.
Like a lot of wine, let’s just start there. No, I do love working out. I have a workout buddy that she holds me accountable. If we are doing it right, we are getting up early in the morning and knocking that out, because later in the day it doesn’t happen.
I love yoga, I love listening to podcasts and shutting my brain down because I am an achiever. So for me, I’m always on. Forced relaxation is part of my self-care.
So whether that is driving and listening to a podcast or we have a beautiful property here in Georgia, so I’ll just walk around the woods and unwind throughout the day if I need to reset and refresh. I love being with friends and family, those things fill me up.
What Does it Mean to Have it All
Charlie Hoehn: What else can we do to set ourselves up for success in making the third option work?
Shannon Miles: You have to ask for help. I love listening to Brené Brown, she changed my life. I am all about vulnerability.
I think when we surround ourselves with people that genuinely are rooting for us and care for us and want to see us succeed then it makes it a lot easier to ask for help and be vulnerable with them, and it’s not that one person has to swoop in and be your hero but it’s the little things.
Like, “Hey my meeting is running long, can you go get the kids from school today? I know it was my day but can you go get them?”
It’s the little stuff like that that just adds up over time to make it all work.
Charlie Hoehn: Yeah, what do you find mothers, fathers tend to get wrong in making the third option work?
Shannon Miles: I think they have unrealistic expectations.
Charlie Hoehn: But you said we could have it all.
Shannon Miles: We can – define all. I think that’s the key. I think if you think you’re going to make that six figure salary and work 20 hours a week and be able to travel the world and have a big house but then also have time to go get your nails done on a Tuesday, you just have to decide what all looks like for you.
Really, truly get intentional with defining your success.
For a long time, success for me was proving myself. I had to climb that ladder because nobody else in my family had been as successful as I was. And I came from nothing, so I’ve got to just hustle my way to the top. But then with time and life changes, that definition of success looks a lot different for me now.
It’s really, truly being happy with my entire life and not just looking at my profession and driving toward that thing to the neglect of every other aspect of my life. Because that was my tendency.
I think more and more guys like millennial age want that freedom and autonomy to be able to direct their time however they want, which is awesome. But there’s also still an element of professional development that needs to be part of your life too.
So I just think that it’s being realistic about what having it all means to you and what your definition of success is.
The Third Option Ideals Throughout Life
Charlie Hoehn: You two have seemingly set up a very wonderful life for yourselves and have been obviously very intentional about it.
Shannon Miles: You know I used to have this misnomer when I was young and married that at some point where you could just coast. I just thought, “Okay at some point you will work through all your stuff and then you will just be in lock step and on the same page.”
No, it is always something you have to work toward, just like anything important in life. But that’s what 19 year old Shannon thought.
Charlie Hoehn: The journey never ends, life isn’t American Idol where you’re picked by the judges and suddenly you’re Kelly Clarkson. Even Kelly Clarkson’s got to keep going.
Shannon Miles: She’s still working hard. How many years later, right? The girl is still out there flinging.
It is always something you have to work toward and fight for and know that it is worth it.
There’s never a coasting season.
There are seasons where tensions are high, there are seasons where tensions are low. Like that’s reality too, but we just have a fundamental love and respect for each other and we raised each other. We really did.
Not only did we grow up together, but we helped each other develop into the people that we are right now, and I know a lot of couples who get married that young that the opposite is true.
I think one of our saving graces is our faith. Another is that we waited eight years to have Rainey. You know the stress of having a child and being married young would have been a lot.
We’re co-CEOs, it’s a crazy fast growing business that’s been the biggest challenge in the business is just keeping up with the growth.
So we look at that and we think this is important as it is inThe Third Optionto ask for help and know that you can’t do it alone. The same is true for us in our business.
We never would have grown to this point of being able to keep our marriage in tact or invest in our kids if we didn’t delegate to other people, train up leaders, and give away aspects of the business that we have handled before for the benefit of the company overall.
So I think some of the concepts that make the third option work are what have worked for us at Belay and have helped our marriage.
Success from The Third Option
Charlie Hoehn: Now I know we have to wrap up here but could you tell a quick story of who your favorite success story of another family that made The Third Optionwork for them.
Shannon Miles: That was obviously one of my favorite things about doing this book is hearing all of the other stories.
Mine is my own, but The Third Optionlooks so different for other people.
So I tell this story at the end of the book of Kimberly who’s one of our virtual assistants. She wrote a blog all about how her ‘third option’ of being able to work remote allowed her to sit side by side with her sister while she was going through chemotherapy.
And it is not the reason she chose the third option, but had she not made this work for her, she never would have been able to sit there side by side with her sister and hold her hand and be present and not have to take vacation and truly be able to invest in the situation issue she was going through with her sister, side by side.
And that is so powerful to me because that’s one story of one person who was able to be there for her family. There are thousands just like this.
A Challenge from Shannon Miles
Charlie Hoehn: What’s your challenge for our listeners? Something they can do from your book this week to make a difference in their life.
Shannon Miles: There are three steps that I want the listener to take if this resonates with them at all. I want to dare them to dream. Like dream big.
Just take everything that is current reality off the table and think if I can craft my ideal work-life situation, what would it look like? So dream.
I want them to decide that is something that I want to work toward or maybe not yet but maybe next year, whatever. Make a decision.
And then do something about it. That’s the third step, do something.
Even if that’s, “I can’t financially afford to quit my job, but I am going to budget for what my dream is and then I am going to take the next step in that direction.”
If they need some help navigating through how to come about these decisions or some resources at mythirdoption.com, there is a manifesto there. There’s a quiz, there’s a decision tree.
Then my favorite part about that whole site is stories. That’s where we started a repository of people sharing their own third option stories. If you just go and read some of those stories you’ll be so inspired to do something about it that your next step will become very clear.
Charlie Hoehn: How can they follow you personally on your journey Shannon?
Shannon Miles: Instagram is my favorite spot. So they can follow me @shannonkmiles don’t forget the K. I don’t know who that other evil Shannon Miles is, it’s not me.
And then also we have My Third Option account on Instagram too, so either way. And then the company is belaysolutions.com.
Get Shannon’s new book The Third Option on Amazon.
Find out more at MyThirdOption.com.
Listen to more authors on creative balance:
Do What You Want: Geoff Blades
Crushing the Box: Chris Denson
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