“How are you?” is an episode from the hilarious and unpredictable improvised comedy podcast, Bumperpodcast, set in the quirky town of Coffee-Can Alley. This episode features the lovable and zany main character, Natty Bumpercar, as he navigates through his day-to-day life and all its absurdities.
In this episode, Natty runs into a series of unlikely and humorous encounters as he attempts to answer the titular question, “How are you?” From interacting with eccentric town residents to getting into wacky situations, Natty’s unique perspective and quick wit never fail to bring laughter to the listener. The Bumperpodcast is a non-scripted and unplanned show, meaning each episode is fresh and full of unexpected twists and turns that will keep you entertained from start to finish.
The Bumperpodcast with Natty Bumpercar is an oftentimes hilarious weekly romp around Headquarters, in Coffee-Can Alley, with Natty Bumpercar and his entire gaggle of pals!
You should send us an email to bumperpodcast@nattybumpercar.com. We’re here and we’re listening!
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Another story about saving baby animals!
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Natty Bumpercar 0:04
I actually had to come out to the studio today and defrost the microphone. And and the board because it’s so it’s cold. It’s so chilly out here. It’s 55 degrees currently in the studio, which is kind of insane to me, but fine. This is the bumper podcast. I am Natty Bumpercar It is wonderful to talk to you today. How are you? I’ve missed you so much. No, no, really, I have I, sometimes people say how are you? And they don’t actually want you to answer because it’s like a formality. Right? It’s like, oh, how are you doing? And then you have to make the mental societal calculation of, do I actually tell them how I’m doing? Do they really want to know how I’m doing? Or do I just go? Ah, I’m fine. Things are good. Like, right. But then sometimes they’ll press a little bit. They’ll go, ah, how’s the family? How’s the Giles’s of wife? And it’s like, oh, you’re opening the door, you’re really opening the door to do I’m gonna start talking, I’m gonna give you information. And then you’re gonna, you know, wish you hadn’t, you know, because a lot of times the how’s it going? Is pretty surface. Because the people that you’re saying, how’s it going to? That generally implies to me at least that you haven’t, you know, talked to them in a little while, and maybe you’re not up on the day to day. And so, you know, the people who do know how it’s actually going, they probably know for, you know, for the most part, so they don’t have to say how’s it going? Because they just know. So then the people who come up to you and say, How’s it going? They aren’t up on the news, right? They know they don’t get your they don’t subscribe to your newsletter. Right? They don’t read your, your, your blog, their your RSS feed, they’re not watching your tic TOCs. They don’t know how it’s going. And so when you’re like, Well, who actually there’s a lot going on, then you can see like their, their the skin on their face kind of tighten up a little bit. And they go Oh, no, what have I gotten myself into? Ah, all right, and then they try to what? Okay, there’s you Well, that’s great. See, I’m gonna No, no, no, no. Oh, friend. You just asked me how it was going. And I am going to do you have 45 minutes? Because I’d like to tell you how it’s going. I’d like to tell you every single bit of how it is going. And so that’s why it’s a very not transitional but just it’s a very transitory I don’t know what the word I’m going for. But it’s it’s not a real question. It’s not, you know, like, Hey, bud. Let’s hang out. Let’s sit down right now and hash this out. Let’s have a cup of hot liquid. Whatever. I don’t know what hot liquid you drink. I don’t like coffee. I should you know, we should let you know that. I don’t like coffee. I think coffee is yucky. I do like tea. Big fan of tea. Right? Not fruit fruity kind of teas. kind of freaked me out a little bit. But like black tea, like an earl grey, which is a black tea, but it’s gray. I don’t know. English breakfast. Now that’s a tea I can get behind. That’s a solid tea. Right? What other hot drinks cider? Oh, man, I will drink a cider. Like all day long. I will drink a cider. I will. I will take some cinnamon and I’ll put it in my cider. Yeah, that’s gonna make my day better. I’m just gonna tell you right now. A Chai now. That’s a tea though. So I don’t know if it really counts. What other kind of hot beverages are there? I don’t know. Do you consider like broth to be a hot beverage? Like a miso soup that you know maybe just has a couple of little scallions in there. Feels kind of soupy I don’t know. There’s like what kind of what kind of tea do you like? Oh, I’ll take the chicken tea today please. warms me up. fills me up makes me feel good about everything out there. Oh, sorry. We don’t have any chicken tea. But we do have these dried up leaves that you can put in hot water and then it’ll turn your water Brown. Oh, wow. That sounds delicious. My my youngest kid. He’s I don’t know how old he is. 710 43 I don’t know, but he’s adorable. And he said, I drink a lot of tea. And he recently, he was like, you know, I’m gonna, I’m gonna try some of that tea and I said, Oh, are you and I let them have a little sip of my tea, you know, not wanting to get the child caffeinated. Because he doesn’t need the energy for him. To be honest, I need I need all of the energy. I am a robot whose battery is always low. And so I need the energy. And but I let him have a little sip just to see if he liked it. And he did. And so I went out and I bought him a little box of decaffeinated tea. And now that I’m saying that I kind of wonder if there’s any caffeine in that because though, even though it says decaffeinated, I wonder if it’s just that means has less caffeine, or if it means there’s none, I don’t know, but I should. Now I’m thinking I should find that out. And he loves the whole process of making tea. And I think I like part of that too. Where are you, you have your your water the kettle, it’s on the fire and it’s it’s boiling, and it’s whistling while that whole thing is happening. You you go and you get your mug or whatever, you know, kind of thing. You’re putting your your your hot tea into, you put the tea bag and you’ve we we’ve discovered because I used to put sugar in my tea because I like a little sweet D because I’m from the south. That’s what we drink. But now I’ve discovered something called monk fruit, which is I don’t know what it is. I know nothing about it. I just know, I was in the store. And someone said, Would you like to try these strawberries? They’ve got a little monkfruit on them. And I was like, yeah, oh, sure. And this wasn’t even like someone who worked in the store. This was just like a random person. I think they pulled it out of their pocket. If I’m gonna be honest, I wasn’t like at a station. It wasn’t branded. It was just, yeah, wow. I don’t know, maybe. Maybe monkfruit is doing some guerilla marketing. Now they’re just going into stores, berries in their pocket, and trying to turn to turn the masses, or something like that real grass roots is what they’re doing. So no, I, I tried it. And it was it was I was like, Well, this is this tastes fine. This tastes yummy. This is good. And so then it took me two months for that thought to work its way through my brain and get to the point where I was like, I wonder if this monkfruit will be good and my tea. And then it took another month and a half for me to then go fight like be at the store. And remember that that was something that I was curious about. So it’s it’s a six month process at most. So any, any thought that comes into my brain anything that I’m like, you know, that’s a good idea. It doesn’t just then happen. It has to sit on the shelf for a little while, you know, like, actually what we do is we, we cook it with and then we put it in a mason jar and then we put it on the shelf and then you let it rest there and then we open it in. Oh, and it’s delicious. And then we put it back in the fridge. I mean, it’s a whole process is what I’m saying. And so I finally it happened though, I got it. And it’s delicious. It doesn’t in Thai it doesn’t 1,000% tastes like sugar. But I would say it’s a good 80% And it doesn’t taste like the I don’t like unnatural sweeteners, like the pink packet or the blue packet or the yellow packet. Those all kind of just leave a bad taste in my mouth don’t like diet sodas, either for the same reason. I just don’t think Yeah. But this stuff
so far, so Okay, so, you know, keep drinking it, drinking it, no putting it in my tea and then drinking it. That’s what I’ll do. So the child he loves the process of we put the teabag into the mug while the water is boiling. I’ve started putting this monk fruit and it was tea and he doesn’t seem to notice which is nice. And then you know, you put the water in and he he enjoys watching it steep. And I would like to know the etymology of the word steep because it’s your, you know, just putting the teabag into the hot water and releasing the deliciousness from the leaves that have been dried. And I don’t know what steeping is. Hmm. But, you know, initially we were trying to teach him like alright, so you have a tea bag And then you put it in the water. And and you know, it has to sit in there for a certain amount of time the water should be a certain temperature, it should sit in the water for a certain amount of time and we’re not that scientific about it, if I’m to be honest, but you can look at it and you can see like, okay, that that water looks plenty dark to me. Like, I feel like it’s got enough tea flavor. And then also try to explain to them that if you leave the teabag in there for too long, if you forget it in there, it might turn bitter on you. You don’t want that No, no, no bitter, no bitter. Nope, no, buddy, no bitter. So you know, he’s caught. He’s like, has it steeped enough as it steeped in it, and I’m like, I think it is steeped enough. And so then he takes it out. And then what we do is we leave like an inch at the top of his mug. And we put some ice cubes in there just to cool it down. You know, I don’t want to burn them. I want them to enjoy his tea. And so then we have I have a tea buddy. Like we go to we go to the restaurant, and we get breakfast. And he’s like, she’s like, and what what will you have little man some chocolate milk. And he’s like, actually, I’d like some tea. decaffeinated, please. And I’m like, Oh, you’re so fancy. Look at you a little fancy man. And the waitress is always, you know, they’re always really amused by it, that he’s being so fancy. And he. And the last time we went, she was like, and would you like some cream? Or should he was like, no, no, no half and half for me. He knows what half and half is. I don’t even know what half and half is. I just know it’s kind of milky stuff. And it’s all a it comes in a little bowl type situation. And it’s put on the table. And then you put it in coffee and stuff. And it makes it look neat and cloudy and everything. I don’t really know if it if it changes anything, but you know, so she was asking him this. And so we go to the same diner every so often. And it was great because we went there just he and I the other day. And we’re at the table. It’s the same waitress that we normally get. And she comes up and she has all these, you know, big smiles and oh, how are you? When you look at you guys and we’re like, hey, and then she looks she goes. So how’s it going? And my younger son has picked up on this social cue, and he said, I’m not sure you really want to know how much time do you have
Outro 12:42
the bumper podcast is an oftentimes hilarious weekly romp with Natty Bumpercar and some of his pals. It is family friendly, clean and ridiculous. Thanks a bundle for listening. If you love our show, and you’d like to help support the podcast, check out our Patreon page at https colon forward slash forward slash www.patreon.com forward slash Natty Bumpercar also pretty please subscribe wherever you get your podcasts, share it with everyone everywhere. post about it on all of the social medias or leave a rating and review. The bumper podcast is produced at headquarters in coffee Ken alley. It’s recorded mixed and produced by producer. The bumper podcast features contributions from Aloysius jpg Rufus T Rufus doodle poodle, robot trunks and a gaggle of other silly rascals. Our head talker is probably Natty Bumpercar. We also have an absurd newsletter. Check it out and subscribe at Natty bumpercar.com/subscribe Also, you can follow me on Instagram and Twitter at Natty Bumpercar Hugs and hire. See you soon.
NonPro 14:01
This has been a non productive media presentation, executive producer Frank Blaue. This program and many others like it on the nonproductive network is distributed under a Creative Commons Attribution non commercial no derivatives license. Please share it but ask before trying to change it or sell it. For more information visit non dash productive.com
Transcribed by https://otter.ai
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Natty Bumpercar returns to the Bumperpodcast after a lengthy absence, and his friends want answers. Rufus T. Rufus and Aloysius J. Pig demand transparency about the podcast hiatus while Producer tries to defend Natty. The show becomes an impromptu call-in program when Turkey and Santa Claus phone in to express their disappointment at being left off their traditional holiday episodes. Natty finally reveals the reason for his absence: a dramatic accident in the bumper barn involving Christmas decorations, a concussion, and a trip to the emergency room. This chaotic and hilarious episode features the entire cast navigating Natty's explanation while Santa awaits his turn to discuss December's missed episode.
“And when I pulled it back, blood. There was a lot of blood. Sorry, don't want to freak you out, but it was true.”
— Natty Bumpercar
“You didn't record your podcast for the last bit of the year, and that has upset a lot of people. This is a traditional thing that we do every single year.”
— Santa Claus
“Are you seriously asking Santa Claus to call back on the show?”
— Aloysius J. Pig
Topics: #concussion #christmasdecorations #emergencyroom #thanksgiving #santaclaus #transparency #call-inshow #accidents
Featuring: Natty Bumpercar, Aloysius J. Pig, Producer
Natty explores the awkward social dance of asking “How are you?” and actually meaning it. From defrosting his studio equipment in 55-degree weather to discovering monk fruit sweetener through questionable guerrilla marketing, this episode is a cozy chat about life’s little moments.
“I’ll take the chicken tea today please – warms me up, fills me up, makes me feel good about everything out there”
— Natty Bumpercar“I am a robot whose battery is always low and so I need the energy”
— Natty Bumpercar“maybe monk fruit is doing some guerrilla marketing now – they’re just going into stores with berries in their pocket”
— Natty Bumpercar
Subscribe: Apple Podcasts | Spotify | iHeartRadio | RSS | subscribe
Subscribe: Apple Podcasts | Spotify | iHeartRadio | RSS | subscribe
Subscribe: Apple Podcasts | Spotify | iHeartRadio | RSS | subscribe
Subscribe: Apple Podcasts | Spotify | iHeartRadio | RSS | subscribe
Natty Bumpercar: checkity check check checkity check check hi everybody it's me natty bumper car and well i guess it's a new season well i guess it's a new year new me i don't know i think it should
Aloysius J. Pig: be an entirely new podcast given the fact hi everyone this is me rufus t rufus given the fact natty that you've been disappeared for quite some time do you have any kind of explanations for the audience you can't just leave them hanging like that you know hey everyone it's me producer and
Producer: natty you don't have to actually say anything you're just you are very busy man i know everyone knows you're doing a lot of things and sometimes you get bogged down which is funny coming from a frog bog go get it frog on a log in a bog it's funny to me it's a frog joke anyway you don't have to tell rufus anything okay hey everyone it's me aloysius j pig uh
Aloysius J. Pig: coming in here uh hot i'm coming in here hot and and and i am bothered by this whole situation because here's the thing i think you do need to give an explanation to everybody uh bumper car because the last time you put out an episode was i don't know i don't even honestly i don't even know my calendar doesn't go far that far back okay so i would i appreciate when i think everybody would appreciate as you maybe just a little bit of transparency that's you know kind of one of those words these days oh yay getting a little bit of transparency and let us know what's going on with you fine yeah well
Natty Bumpercar: full transparency uh i just went through 15 minutes with my computer with a giant spinning uh rainbow ball that was saying to me hey we just everything just got lost but it evidently it didn't so we're back and that makes me happy that's my transparency for you for right now
Aloysius J. Pig: no natty uh as your lawyer i'm gonna come out and tell you that that's not the kind of
Natty Bumpercar: Is that a… Is that a telephone? I've always wanted to be a call-in show. Somebody answer, quick.
Aloysius J. Pig: Uh, hi. Hello, this… I don't bump… Hello, hi, who's this?
Natty Bumpercar: Hey, it's Turkey. Hey, Turkey. Uh-huh. Good point. Okay, thanks, Turkey. Wow, that was great. But, Fig, I think maybe you hung up on him a little bit too fast. Like, he was still talking, or clucking, or gobbling? I don't know. What is… Does anyone know Turkey talk? They gobble, so gobbling.
Aloysius J. Pig: He was still gobbling. To be fair, I was caught unawares. I was caught off guard. I… I didn't know that I was gonna be on phone duty. I kind of feel like maybe that's producers' kind of jam. Uh, and I… I did. I kind of freaked out a little bit, and I just hung up. I didn't… I didn't… I, uh…
Natty Bumpercar: Another one. Oh, producer, get this one. Get this one, producer.
Producer: Okay. There it is. Uh, hello. This is pro… This is producer. Welcome to the Naughty Bumper Car Bumper Podcast. So, today, who… who mask is calling? Well, I'm quite
Aloysius J. Pig: sure that you understand who's calling. I know. Don't you have any kind of collar? Nope. Do you hear anything there? Nope. We…
Natty Bumpercar: Hi, Santa Claus. We don't have any kind of collar ID, but… because this is our first time having a telephone on the show, but I recognize your voice, and it's super cool that you're calling in, and I'm so happy to hear
Aloysius J. Pig: from you, and I… Well, I don't think you'll think so in a second. Oh. Yes. You see, Natty, you didn't record your podcast for the last bit of the year, and that has upset a lot of people. For instance, I believe Turkey called earlier. You never had him on the show last year. I am calling you again because you did not have me on the show. This is a traditional thing that we do every single year, where Thanksgiving comes around, Turkey comes on the show, December comes around, and then I'm on the show as well. Do you have anything to say, Natty? Well, now, as, uh… Natty's… Zip it, Rufus. Oh. Yeah, I'm not asking you to stand in front of Mr. Bumpercar. I'm just asking for a little bit of transparency, as it
Natty Bumpercar: were. Fine. Okay. Here's what happened last year. This is late November and December. In late November, I was out in the bumper barn, and I was trying to get some Christmas decorations down off of the loft. The loft is about ten feet up in the air, and I was getting a giant storage crate full of decorations down, and I was using the ladder kind of to guide the big box down, and then the ladder shifted and then the box fell and it whacked me in the
Aloysius J. Pig: head. This is all true. I was there. I witnessed the whole thing. It was quite the wallop that he took. I understand. Keep talking, please. Yeah, absolutely.
Natty Bumpercar: So, um, it hit me, and I kind of, I went down on one knee, and I don't think I passed out, but people were asking that, but Oliver was out here with me, and he was like, are you okay? And I was just like, ah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. I was like, is there any blood? And he looked, and he's like, no blood. And I was like, alright. And then I proceeded to get down four more giant boxes, because I'm silly that way. Now, I put my hand on the back of my head, and when I pulled it back, blood. There was a lot of blood. Sorry, don't want to freak you out, but it was true. This actually happened. And, uh, Oliver said, I think we should go find Mommy. And I was just like, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. That's a good idea. Good, good call, sweet child. And so, uh, I stumbled back into the house. Dear, I think I have a concussion. Uh, what should I, what should I do? And it was hilarious, because I said, can you look at my eyes? I need just to see if my eyes are dialing.
Producer: I don't understand what exactly dial, dial, dilated? What is, what are you talking? What does that mean? I don't, I'm not a medical professional. I'm just a fraud who is good at producing a part.
Natty Bumpercar: You're very good at it. Uh, yeah, so to dilate it, it just basically means, so there's, in the center of your eye, there's something called a pupil. It's like the little circle black part. Um, and that's actually how the light gets into your eyes, and it's a whole thing. But sometimes, if they're really big, or really, really small, then you can kind of see that there's stuff going on with them. And she said, uh, and so I, and when you have a concussion, that's one of the things that they check. They're like, let's look at your eyes and see if your pupils are dilated. And so she looked at my eyes, and she said, I, I don't know. I think that one is bigger than that one, talking about my eyes. And, uh, I was, and she's like, but I don't know if that's just because of where you are in relation to the light in the room. And I was like, I don't think that's how it works. Um, but, you know, and then I said, I'm gonna, I'm gonna go take a shower. So I, I did that. I went and I took a shower, and, uh, definitely was feeling pretty, pretty
Aloysius J. Pig: off. Now, not to, uh, but feeling pretty off, is this something that, is it, can we sue this box? I mean, I, I don't want to be litigious this early in the new year, but I am the lawyer, so I just think I could probably look into it, and, uh, does the box have any kind of assets that we can go after? No? Settle down, Rufus. Alright, keep telling the story, bumper guy. Okay, so,
Natty Bumpercar: uh, my whole life, I've been told if you have a concussion, don't go to sleep. But, then I went on the internet and it said, hey, you can go to sleep. And I was like, okay. And I fully am aware and know that I could have gotten any answer that I wanted, and I was very tired. It was like at 9.30 at night, and I went to sleep. And I slept all day the next day. It was a Saturday, and, uh, I, I, I really, I felt like I couldn't move. I was, just, on the couch. And, um, Saturday night, a friend of mine, Dave, from Cedar Beans Coffee Joint, where I host the Thursday open mic, uh, the caffeinated open mic, uh, it was their four year anniversary. And I, I was, I, I, I got up and I was like, I am gonna go to this thing. And my wife was like, I don't want you to go to that thing. And I was like, I have to go to this thing. And she's like, again, I would rather you not go to the thing. Uh, and so I went to the thing. And I took, uh, Oliver with me. And I got there. And within, like, a minute and a half, all the noise and the people and the lights, I was just like, this was a mistake. I've made a terrible mistake. And I found, uh, a mom, like, a friend of Oliver's mom. And I said, can I give him to you? And they were like, yeah, what are you doing? And I was like, I'm gonna go to the emergency room. And so I did that. And, uh, they ran me through all kinds of tests. And they were like, yeah, you, you, have got a concussion. And I was like, I, I, yeah, I know. I know. And that's really all they did. They were like, alright, you just have to take it easy for, might take a couple of weeks, and good luck to ya. And I was like, uh, alright. And so, so that was the, that was in November. That was the week before Thanksgiving. And then Thanksgiving happened, and we had, uh, all kinds of people at our house, and I overextended myself, and so I, I made it worse. Cause that's what I tend to do. So, Santa, if you could tell Turkey that that's why he wasn't on the podcast
Aloysius J. Pig: in November. So, all of a sudden, Santa, I'm being your messenger. That's fine. Well, I'm terribly sorry about your head. And I hope that you're doing things to reconcile the situation and that you're going to take better care of yourself in the future.
Natty Bumpercar: I absolutely will. I promise. Steps have been taken. I got smaller containers, so I don't have these monstrous containers to get. Sit down. And, um, yes, I'm definitely going to try. Uh, it's funny. Every single doctor that I ever talk to, they're like, are you taking care of yourself? And I'm like, not so much. Not so much. It's not really what I do. I don't take care of myself a lot. And they're like, you should probably start. And I'm like, okay. Like, I do it begrudgingly. I don't know if you, if you do that when you go to the doctor, but I'm like, fine. I'll take care of myself. Blah,
Aloysius J. Pig: blah. You know? And, Natty, I do appreciate that very, very, very much. I do, I tend to overextend myself as well, especially towards the end of the year, where there's just a lot going on and I have to go around all the places and there's elves and they're building things and the reindeer you have to take care of them. And so I understand. What about, what happened in December? Because I also was not on the podcast. Uh, actually,
Producer: um, so sorry to interrupt, Natty and, and, and Mr. Claus, I, uh, this is Predator, sir. We only have 30 seconds to go in the show, so maybe can you, can you, I hate to ask this, can you, I know you're a busy man, but can you maybe call back next week and we'll figure it out? Are you seriously asking Santa Claus
Aloysius J. Pig: to call back on the show?
Natty Bumpercar: I'm terribly sorry, Santa, but we, I don't know what to do. I, um…
Aloysius J. Pig: And scene.
Unknown: Did you just hang up on Santa Claus?
Aloysius J. Pig: Show's gotta end, show's gotta end.
Unknown: Do not answer that. No one answer the phone. Just run! The Bumper Podcast is an oftentimes hilarious weekly romp with Natty Bumpercar and some of his pals. It is family-friendly, clean, and ridiculous. Thanks to Bundle for listening. If you love our show and you'd like to help support the podcast, check out our Patreon page at https colon forward slash forward slash www dot patreon dot com forward slash Natty Bumpercar. Also, pretty please subscribe wherever you get your podcasts, share it with everyone everywhere, post about it on all of the social medias, or leave a rating and review. The Bumper Podcast is produced at headquarters in Coffee Can Alley. It's recorded, mixed, and produced by producer. The Bumper Podcast features contributions from Aloysius J. Pig, Rufus T. Rufus, Doodle Poodle, Robot, Trunks, and a gaggle of other silly rascals. Our head talker is probably Natty Bumpercar. We also have an absurd newsletter. Check it out and subscribe at nattybumpercar.com slash subscribe. Also, you can follow me on Instagram and Twitter at Natty Bumpercar. Hugs and hearts. See you soon. This has been a non-productive media presentation. Executive producer, Frank Hablawi. This program and many others like it on the Non-Productive Network is distributed under a Creative Commons Attribution Non-Commercial No Derivatives License. Please share it, but ask before trying to change it or sell it. For more information, visit non-productive.com