THE THIRD AGREEMENT: DON´T MAKE ASSUMPTIONS
THE THIRD AGREEMENT IS DON’T MAKE ASSUMPTIONS.
We have the tendency to make assumptions about everything. The problem
with making assumptions is that we believe they are the truth. We could swear
they are real. We make assumptions about what others are doing or thinking —
we take it personally — then we blame them and react by sending emotional
poison with our word. That is why whenever we make assumptions, we’re
asking for problems. We make an assumption, we misunderstand, we take it
personally, and we end up creating a whole big drama for nothing.
All the sadness and drama you have lived in your life was rooted in making
assumptions and taking things personally. Take a moment to consider the truth
of this statement. The whole war of control between humans is about making
assumptions and taking things personally. Our whole dream of hell is based on
that. We create a lot of emotional poison just by making assumptions and taking it
personally, because usually we start gossiping about our assumptions.
Remember, gossiping is the way we communicate to each other in the dream of
hell and transfer poison to one another. Because we are afraid to ask for
clarification, we make assumptions, and believe we are right about the
assumptions; then we defend our assumptions and try to make someone else
wrong. It is always better to ask questions than to make an assumption, because
assumptions set us up for suffering.
The big mitote in the human mind creates a lot of chaos which causes us to
misinterpret everything and misunderstand everything. We only see what we
want to see, and hear what we want to hear. We don’t perceive things the way
they are. We have the habit of dreaming with no basis in reality. We literally
dream things up in our imaginations. Because we don’t understand something,
we make an assumption about the meaning, and when the truth comes out, the
bubble of our dream pops and we find out it was not what we thought it was at
all. An example: You are walking in the mall, and you see a person you like.
That person turns to you and smiles, and then walks away. You can make a lot
of assumptions just because of this one experience. With these assumptions you
can create a whole fantasy. And you really want to believe this fantasy and
make it real. A whole dream begins to form just from your assumptions, and
you can believe, “Oh, this person really likes me.” In your mind a whole
relationship begins from that. Maybe you even get married in this fantasyland.
But the fantasy is in your mind, in your personal dream.
Making assumptions in our relationships is really asking for problems. Often
we make the assumption that our partners know what we think and that we don’t
have to say what we want. We assume they are going to do what we want,
because they know us so well. If they don’t do what we assume they should do,
we feel so hurt and say, “You should have known.”
Another example: You decide to get married, and you make the assumption
that your partner sees marriage the same way that you do. Then you live
together and you find out this is not true. This creates a lot of conflict, but you
still don’t try to clarify your feelings about marriage. The husband comes home
from work and the wife is mad, and the husband doesn’t know why. Maybe it’s
because the wife made an assumption. Without telling him what she wants, she
makes an assumption that he knows her so well, that he knows what she wants,
as if he can read her mind. She gets so upset because he fails to meet her
expectations. Making assumptions in relationships leads to a lot of fights, a lot
of difficulties, a lot of misunderstandings with people we supposedly love.
In any kind of relationship we can make the assumption that others know
what we think, and we don’t have to say what we want. They are going to do
what we want because they know us so well. If they don’t do what we want,
what we assume they should do, we feel hurt and think, “How could you do
that? You should know.” Again, we make the assumption that the other person
knows what we want. A whole drama is created because we make this
assumption and then put more assumptions on top of it.
It is very interesting how the human mind works. We have the need to justify
everything, to explain and understand everything, in order to feel safe. We have
millions of questions that need answers because there are so many things that
the reasoning mind cannot explain. It is not important if the answer is correct;
just the answer itself makes us feel safe. This is why we make assumptions.
If others tell us something, we make assumptions, and if they don’t tell us
something we make assumptions to fulfill our need to know and to replace the
need to communicate. Even if we hear something and we don’t understand, we
make assumptions about what it means and then believe the assumptions. We
make all sorts of assumptions because we don’t have the courage to ask
questions.
These assumptions are made so fast and unconsciously most of the time
because we have agreements to communicate this way. We have agreed that it
is not safe to ask questions; we have agreed that if people love us, they should
know what we want or how we feel. When we believe something, we assume
we are right about it to the point that we will destroy relationships in order to
defend our position.
We make the assumption that everyone sees life the way we do. We assume
that others think the way we think, feel the way we feel, judge the way we
judge, and abuse the way we abuse. This is the biggest assumption that humans
make. And this is why we have a fear of being ourselves around others.
Because we think everyone else will judge us, victimize us, abuse us, and
blame us as we do ourselves. So even before others have a chance to reject us,
we have already rejected ourselves. That is the way the human mind works.
We also make assumptions about ourselves, and this creates a lot of inner
conflict. “I think I am able to do this.” You make this assumption, for instance,
then you discover you aren’t able to do it. You overestimate or underestimate
yourself because you haven’t taken the time to ask yourself questions and to
answer them. Perhaps you need to gather more facts about a particular situation.
Or maybe you need to stop lying to yourself about what you truly want.
Often when you go into a relationship with someone you like, you have to
justify why you like that person. You only see what you want to see and you
deny there are things you don’t like about that person. You lie to yourself just to
make yourself right. Then you make assumptions, and one of the assumptions is
“My love will change this person.” But this is not true. Your love will not
change anybody. If others change, it’s because they want to change, not because
you can change them. Then something happens between the two of you, and you
get hurt. Suddenly you see what you didn’t want to see before, only now it is
amplified by your emotional poison. Now you have to justify your emotional
pain and blame them for your choices.
We don’t need to justify love; it is there or not there. Real love is accepting
other people the way they are without trying to change them. If we try to change
them, this means we don’t really like them. Of course, if you decide to live with
someone, if you make that agreement, it is always better to make that agreement
with someone who is exactly the way you want him or her to be. Find someone
whom you don’t have to change at all. It is much easier to find someone who is
already the way you want him or her to be, instead of trying to change that
person. Also, that person must love you just the way you are, so he or she
doesn’t have to change you at all. If others feel they have to change you, that
means they really don’t love you just the way you are. So why be with someone
if you’re not the way he or she wants you to be?
We have to be what we are, so we don’t have to present a false image. If you
love me the way I am, “Okay, take me.” If you don’t love me the way I am,
“Okay, bye-bye. Find someone else.” It may sound harsh, but this kind of
communication means the personal agreements we make with others are clear
and impeccable.
Just imagine the day that you stop making assumptions with your partner and
eventually with everyone else in your life. Your way of communicating will
change completely, and your relationships will no longer suffer from conflicts
created by mistaken assumptions.
The way to keep yourself from making assumptions is to ask questions. Make
sure the communication is clear. If you don’t understand, ask. Have the courage
to ask questions until you are clear as you can be, and even then do not assume
you know all there is to know about a given situation. Once you hear the
answer, you will not have to make assumptions because you will know the
truth.
Also, find your voice to ask for what you want. Everybody has the right to
tell you no or yes, but you always have the right to ask. Likewise, everybody
has the right to ask you, and you have the right to say yes or no.
If you don’t understand something, it is better for you to ask and be clear,
instead of making an assumption. The day you stop making assumptions you
will communicate cleanly and clearly, free of emotional poison. Without
making assumptions your word becomes impeccable.
With clear communication, all of your relationships will change, not only
with your partner, but with everyone else. You won’t need to make assumptions
because everything becomes so clear. This is what I want; this is what you
want. If we communicate in this way, our word becomes impeccable. If all
humans could communicate in this way, with impeccability of the word, there
would be no wars, no violence, no misunderstandings. All human problems
would be resolved if we could just have good, clear communication.
This, then, is the Third Agreement: Don’t make assumptions. Just saying this...
