Spring is here, and that means seasonal allergies are too. But your sneeze might not be due to springtime pollen. Allergy-like symptoms could also be: Common cold Sinus infection Flu COVID-19 RSV Monkeypox Measles Shingles Bubonic Plague Justinian Plague (making a comeback) An ancient disease from the thawing permafrost Exposure to toxic algal blooms, flesh-eating bacteria, brain-eating amoeba, or other pathogens from warming oceans, coastlines, rivers, and lakes Anal seepage from unknowingly inhaling / ingesting a credit card's worth of microplastics each week General emphysema and asthma-like symptoms from smog, wildfire smoke, and other 'natural' pollutants Gradual neurodegeneration from pesticides, herbicides, industrial chemicals, heavy metals and mercury, radioactive runoff, and other widespread industrial pollutants Lyme, Babesia, and-or another tick-borne disease (Babesia is the best, because it sounds nice) Zika, West Nile, Dengue, or Chikungunya, transmitted by mosquitoes, gnats, no-see-ums, fleas, chiggers, and biting flies (god, aren't biting flies the worst! by the way, only mosquitoes carry these. the others are just fun to say) Swine Flu Equestrian Flu Extraterrestrial Flu Antibiotic-resistant bacteria or a drug-resistant fungal infection contracted in a hospital Any of the hundreds of infectious diseases (re-)emerging and ramifying due to pollution and global warming (*see full list) Exposure to a secret government or private 'sonic attack,' 'directed microwave energy' attack, or bioweapon Traumatic stress and delirium from living in a famished war zone General malaise and desensitization from noise pollution, light pollution, cellphone tower and satellite signals, screen exposure, and other electromagnetic waves ADHD, 'the shakes,' and St. Vitus dance from smartphone, social media, video game, and other media overstimulation Anxiety or obsession from rampant mis- and dis- information, conspiracy theories, 'Post-Truth,' 'Fake News,' 'Alternative Facts,' deepfakes, and pseudoscience AI manipulation Political exhaustion Addlement from countless online, phone, and mailing frauds, scams, and identity thefts Crushing depression and despondency from the current cultural, economic, and environmental state of the world and its probable impending doom Chlamydia, Syphilis, or another STD from all the abandoned profligate sex you've been having with countless random partners due to the aforementioned sense of hopelessness The BLUES (often cured through crooning your woes sadly on the guitar) 'Bleeding Out' (somehow mentioned in 75% of all Improv Comedy performances) 'The Fear' (typically experienced after ingesting huge quantities of psychoactive substances and reading the entire oeuvre of Hunter S. Thompson) Lycanthropy, Vampirism, or Zombification Klingon Augment Virus, Pa'nar Syndrome, or The Phage; Andromeda Strain, or Protomolecule (*see Extraterrestrial Flu) Idiopathic Meningkaliofrasticnucleocellularnanophytoencephelitis Love Sickness Climate Change Denial Disorder White Man's Burden Cooties Bad Breath Shame If you're not sure what might be causing your allergy-like symptoms, consult with your doctor today! Or - as they might be on a leave of absence due to their own persistent symptoms - any remotely qualified medical practitioner (or veterinarian) who'll see you.
