@Algorithm, you don't know me at all! Why would I need a collection of monogrammed paring knives when I just ordered a mint-colored set thirty minutes ago?! Normally, I wouldn't waste money on another, but my wise former-butcher-now-convicted serial-killer cousin says you can never have too many knives - add to cart. But seriously, algorithm, you just recommended me a 5-pound bag of monogrammed peanuts. Who needs 5 pounds of a personalized food they're allergic to?! That's insane, the 2-pound bag will suffice - add to cart. And this: a 2024 Acura Integra when my 2023 Acura Integra just got out of the shop! I really shouldn't buy a gray sports car (gray is so bleh), but if the algorithm put all this work into recommending it just for me, the least I could do is start a 24-month high-interest lease with $300 down and 48% APR. I should probably sell my 2023. No, that'd be such a hassle; I'll just throw it away. Okay, buying the car then logging off to finish binging that legal drama - omg stickers with Suits quotes! Lame, they're all Harvey Spector. But my favorite character is Donna's can opener! See, it doesn't know me at - oooooh, can openers, kind of pricey, but I need one, okay buy - but honestly, with all that data, how can its recommendations still be this bad - should I take the LSAT? Being a lawyer sounds awful, but the test could be fun. I wouldn't know how to study for - nice, prep books! Okay, buy. I should probably get other lawyer stuff too: a briefcase, cravat, and some powdered wigs (they'll make a comeback). Wow, peanuts are good! Maybe I'm not allergic? Algorithm, have you known this whole time?! And if so, why are you now recommending me all these Epi-Pens with 15-minute shipping? Must be a mistake, not worrying about it. Ugh, the packaging for these knives is so hard to open. Thank God there's a flash sale on cleavers, which'll be perfect for opening up this pack - buying 3! Huh, my throat feels tingly. Maybe I should get those Epi-Pens. Oof, the 15-minute shipping costs an extra $4. You know what, the Epi-Pens can wait 3 to 5 business days. Ugh, the packaging for this car is so hard to open. Gotta get more knives - ooh, banner ads for t-shirts proclaiming my name, political affiliation, and that I'm a fun uncle whose apartment complex has a hot tub. Is the overnight shipping it worth it? Shit, have to decide in the next 8 milliseconds - okay, buying a 12-pack! Who cares if they're the wrong size. Alright, algorithm, my throat's closing up, so please send those Epi-Pens! I don't care if the box is gray (well I do care, but I'll buy gray ones anyway). Immediate shipping, adding to cart - woah, lasers - no, stay focused. Laser focused - no, just regular focused! Okay buy. Should be here any second. Fuck, I can't open this box! Algorithm, what do I do?! Buy a monogrammed coffin? Unconventional way to open a box of Epi-Pens…but okay I trust you. You've clearly put a lot of thought into this coffin - it has my initials.
