Somehow, I call myself trying to ‘take a break from myself’ yet I realize that I can’t really take a break from myself. When I think about people who take breaks from themselves, I understand why people kill themselves to just take that break from themselves. But those of us that can’t ever get that far… we stay in a stupor and exist for dozens of years thinking that we probably missed the opportunity to exit. I can either beat myself up that I wasn’t brave enough to leap off the cliff, or I can imagine that I’m still on that cliff teetering and tottering - hurry up and jump.
So I’m jumping again, podcasting still, masturbating like I did with YouTube for 15 years and nobody goes to visit my page leaving me… Unfulfilled? Un orgasm Ing? Luckily we have initials for everything nowadays unlike when I was born :-) I can now say #WTFAndYouCanFigureOutTheRest
In my case, I don’t have an opportunity to exit because I became a mother in 1996, then I repeated it again in 1998. This was probably the best thing I ever did because I allowed the Creator of All Things to take charge of my life . I fell in love, I wanted to be a mom and be married so I did! But was that what I was supposed to really do?
Maybe we all ponder; did we do the right thing with our life along the journey? It’s amazing that when we die we’ll find out if we did the right thing or not… And how unsuspecting we are with what the freaking-deacon truth actually is… Yet we exist for dozens and dozens of years . We feel we have a purpose. How dare I talk about the WE when it’s really the ME that I’m talking about :-)
I don’t know if I’ve ever felt like I’m supposed to be here belonging. I had to quit as a human being on a daily basis. I mostly have felt that I shouldn’t be here, that I’m in the wrong place, that I’m not loved, that I’m not appreciated, then I’m stupid, I’m not fitting in, I don’t belong, why am I not listening and following the rules. ?.
I think about why my daughters don’t wanna know who I am as I endure an incurable illness. That’s my best friend these days. Multiple sclerosis sucks as a close friend and confident. It’s lonely. I think about how many other people on the planet are suffering right now with their body not giving them life like they expect it to be. How presumptuous of me for most of my life to think that I was in charge of me! I was the one in charge of my happiness! I failed. I failed marriage. I failed motherhood. I thought I failed music, but none of the failures are true. They only can exist with forgiveness by the other people and spirits that are involved with mine.
so for some stupid ass reason, I wrote a song about one of the best things I ever did in my life. As my older brother used to say I got knocked up! I got knocked up twice and delivered two children, I got knocked up many more times and chose not to be a mom.
So now I’m suffering with this song in my throat and heart. It’s bleeding through my suffering, annihilation, ostracization, and Zoroastrian behaviors.
🎶💯 i’ve come this far by faith :-) trusting in the Lord :-) :-) she likes me so far so good… Right? OK… Never mind…
www.robbikumalo.com. www.linktr.ee/robbiehall
#MSSurvivor #Musician #Storyteller #TruthTeller #Pisces #Bahai #Christian #Humanbeing #HumanDoing #ResilientSpirit
