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Have you ever tried the “ask for sex every night” approach, figuring the more often you ask, the more often she will say yes? Or, maybe you have no idea why she says yes or no, so you figure you should ask all the time so you don’t miss an occasion when she might say yes. Basically fire blindly and hoping you hit the target occasionally!

I’ve been there, I’ve done that, and I found it didn’t work so well. If you think about it, why would it? If your wife, or your child, or anyone else, did the same to you over something, don’t you think you would come to resent it? Might you feel so nagged you would start to say no just out of annoyance? What’s more, if they asked when you were clearly busy, or over worked, or just so tired you couldn’t stand it, how would you feel about them for being so inconsiderate?

Why would your daily requests for sex be received any differently?

Yes, I know you’re not getting enough, and asking less when you want more seems counter-productive. However, if you think about what I said above, you should see why better targeting your asking could result in more sex and less aggravation for both of you.

The key here is to figure out when/why she says no. It may seem completely random, but it is not. The problem is there are a number of factors involved, so it is a difficult formula to decipher.

• Time of month is huge if she is not pregnant, past menopause, or on hormonal contraceptives. She should be most receptive (if not chasing you) around ovulation, which is 14 days before her next period. The week before that, she is likely to be more receptive than at other times. After she ovulates, she is less receptive. Just before and during menstruation varies from women to woman.
• Tiredness, from lack of sleep, is probably the next biggest factor.
• Stress from a long day, and ongoing stress, are also big factors.
• How well she has connected with you the last 24 to 36 hours is important. Remember, her love language determines how she feels loved and connected.

There are plenty of other factors, well beyond what I can list here. Start thinking about it; make notes about the 24 hours before when she says yes, and likewise when she says no. Record as much as possible and you should start to find patterns. Does she always say no on laundry day, or after taking the kids to some specific event? Is she likely to say yes when she gets some quiet time in the evening, or the day after a date with you? Keep playing detective, and you should find the clues needed to learn when asking is a waste of time (and a good way to aggravate her) and when your odds are better. I realise not asking doesn’t help you directly, but if it makes her feel less exhausted about sex, that’s good for both of you.

[This post first appeared Nov 24, 2012.]

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The post FF: Decoding Her Desire: Stop Shooting Blind first appeared on The Generous Husband.