Chapter 4 Buenos Aires, Argentina
The trees and buildings and parked cars rolled by, and Hannah stared out the passenger van window not really seeing, but definitely listening.
She was badly curious about why she was here, but knew not to ask, and so sat silent in the farthest back row, trying to catch clues in the discussion between the two adults in the front seat.
Not knowing made her stomach queasy. At least when you knew a thing, even if it was bad, you could prepare for it.
It was better to know something bad than nothing at all, and right now she knew nothing at all.
It was very odd that they’d brought only her and none of the other kids,
and although it didn’t seem like she was in trouble, sometimes it was hard to tell,
because like a slap upside the head, trouble had a way of coming out of nowhere.
Until Hannah knew one way or the other, there wasn’t really any way to get rid of the sick feeling,
but right now the best way to stay out of trouble was to keep quiet.
If she was quiet, they would forget about her, which meant that at least for a while they would leave her alone and she could listen.
They were very serious in the front seats, Uncle Zadok and Auntie Sunshine, calling on the Golden Verse for protection and wisdom, and for guidance,
and the matter must have been Secret, too, because they didn’t make Hannah come to the first row and join them in prayer.
Zadok’s eyes were open, they had to be so he could drive,
but Sunshine’s were closed and her mouth was moving, and Hannah could tell that she was Spirit Talking, which was boring, so she only half-listened.
Having the whole back of the van to herself, with no one to mind her, felt amazing— almost as good as it did that time when she got a real present on her birthday.
And since Zadok and Sunshine were too occupied to rebuke her for idleness, Hannah spent the stolen moments staring out the window
while her thoughts went far, far away into the forbidden and hidden daydreams that helped time fly and made everything else better.
And then the van swung wide and the pull of the turn brought her back.
She’d no idea how much time had passed or how long she’d been in fantasy, and because of this her stomach flipped in a pulse of fear.
For such disobedience, there was certainly trouble waiting.
But Zadok and Sunshine hadn’t noticed that she’d been daydreaming, and so she calmed.
Hannah recognized a building and knew that they were now somewhere in the business district, not too far from the ports. They came here sometimes to raise money in the offices.
Sunshine’s eyes were open again, and she seemed a bit more relaxed.
That was good, because relaxed adults meant better moods and less chance of getting in trouble.
Maybe the Spirits had said nice things would happen, although to Hannah it seemed the Spirit Words were forever vague and the adults always ready to believe the excuses for why predictions didn’t come true.
What was the use, really, of dead people talking if you could never count on what they said?
Sunshine was speaking to Zadok again, real words, not Spirit Words, so Hannah turned her eyes toward the book of Instructives in her lap, and her ears to the front.
The sounds came in pieces. The Lord’s will. Small packet. United States. Prophet will be pleased. Only a few times a year.
None of it really meant anything for certain, but Hannah could guess; that was the good thing about being quiet and listening when they forgot about you— you could learn things.
This same kind of special outing had happened before, in late summer, right before Auntie Sunshine went on a two-week visit to another place.
That last time, Sunshine had taken Teen Rachel on the trip into town, and Hannah had to fill in on Rachel’s work duty so that she could go.
It had seemed that Rachel was special for being chosen, and even though it was wrong, Hannah had been a little jealous.
On that day, just like today, everything had been Secret and hush-hush— more than the usual—
so maybe today was the same kind of thing, whatever that thing was, and this made Hannah feel good, because maybe it meant she was special too.
Zadok parked the van, but he didn’t get out when Sunshine did, which probably meant that he was staying behind, which was kind of unusual.
Sunshine motioned for Hannah, so she slid out of the far back and made her way to the door and then the sidewalk.
They were in front of a five-story building, old and very expensive it seemed, and that made Hannah’s clothes feel all the more awkward and embarrassing.
The dress was borrowed, a bit too small and pretty in a girly way that was uncomfortable.
But Sunshine had told her to wear it, and there wasn’t room for possible discussion, so that was that.
At least it was new-looking and not as worn out as Hannah’s own hand-me-downs.
Sunshine took hold of Hannah’s hand and led her forward, and this made her feel even more uncomfortable than the clothes,
but she knew better than to squirm, so she endured the bad feelings, shoving them away.
Sunshine said, “Sweetie, you want to serve the Lord and be a good little soldier for Jesus, right?”
Hannah hated that word little and everything that it implied, hated the way Sunshine talked down to her as if she were a two-year-old, but she nodded.
“That’s good. It means God can bless you. He can only bless us when we’re obedient to Him and to The Prophet, yes?”
The uncomfortable feeling was growing and made it hard to talk, so Hannah just nodded again.
“Being here is a very special privilege and The Prophet wants your dedication and your obedience,” Sunshine said.
“He needs you to be completely yielded, and to be Secret— talking about today is disobedience, you understand?”
Another nod, this time solemnly.
Sunshine’s voice grew sterner, if that were possible. “What happens when we’re disobedient to the Lord and The Prophet?”
“God can’t bless or protect us,” Hannah said, and her words came out in a hoarse whisper.
Sunshine nodded as if she was satisfied, and although Hannah should have felt relieved that Sunshine was pleased, she didn’t.
Instead she felt worse, though she didn’t understand why,
because Sunshine wasn’t behaving as if Hannah had done something wrong or as if there was trouble coming.
It’s just, things didn’t feel right, which meant the uncomfortable was very strong and growing worse—
that sick feeling that started in the pit of her stomach and worked its way outward until everything was irritating and it was difficult to think or breathe.
The only thing she knew to do when this happened was to obey and then get through whatever it was, one moment at a time, until it was over and the uncomfortable went away.
They’d reached the building, Sunshine had pushed the front door open,
and as they stepped inside she looked down at Hannah, a stern and unforgiving look that Hannah didn’t have to think about to understand.
Be very obedient, because Sunshine could make a whole lot of trouble happen.
On the second floor, a hallway spanned in both directions off the stairwell,
and along the hallway were solid doors, each with a brass plate and the name of a business.
Sunshine still gripped Hannah’s hand, and the heat and sweat of the close contact made Hannah want to scream or tug away, but she held quiet.
Sunshine went to the farthest door, which had a plaque with no name and opened onto a room with a desk backed close to the shaded windows,
like it was supposed to be an office reception, but there wasn’t anybody at the desk.
To Hannah the furniture, lamps, and wall coverings were more like a rich person’s house than any office she had seen,
and on each side of the room was another door, but those were closed, and the whole place was very quiet.
Sunshine pointed at a divan. “Sit there and don’t touch anything,” she said, and then she walked to the door on the right and knocked.
A voice called out, then Sunshine opened the door, stepped inside, and returned a few moments later with two men following.
One man was older, like Sunshine, the other was like the young adults at the Haven.
While Sunshine stood aside with the younger, the older man came to Hannah and knelt so that he was at eye level.
Not unkindly, he asked her name, and after she answered, he took her hand and lifted it gently.
Hannah looked to Sunshine for assurance, and Sunshine nodded. Understanding the man’s intention, Hannah stood.
His eyes went from her head down, down to her feet and then back up again.
He touched Hannah’s hair, just a little flick against the strands by her ear, and then turned to Sunshine. “Much better,” he said.
Sunshine said, “Hannah, I need to run some errands; you stay here with Mr. Cárcan, and I’ll be back in a bit.”
Hannah felt a spike of panic, not because she was afraid of this man or that she minded being away from Sunshine— definitely not that—
but because she was being left alone with an outsider from the Void, and that was very much against the rules.
Everyone kept a buddy in the Void, everywhere and always.
It was one of The Prophet’s principles of obedience, and to break this meant God couldn’t protect you.
But Sunshine said to do it, and Hannah could only do as instructed.
When Sunshine had gone, the man said, “Do you like ice cream?”
Hannah nodded, and his eyes moved kind of funny. “Come,” he said. “I have a freezer in my office.”
She followed him into a room that could only be called an office because of the big desk, but everything else about it made it look like a living room.
The man’s phone rang and he took the call while opening the little freezer.
He pulled a frozen bar from inside, handed it to Hannah, and motioned her to sit while he nodded to the voice on the other end, and then he laughed.
“Yes, of course,” he said, “they’re too simple and na【马赛克1】ve to know better, but they are very close to God and I like to have God on my side.”
He’d switched to Spanish without appearing to care if Hannah understood; he probably assumed that she didn’t, because he didn’t bother whispering or stepping outside the room.
Still on the phone, the man laughed again and said, “Yes, but in any case it’s like having your own personal priest, and I can’t help that I like them.
“Religion, sex, and a simple mule, it doesn’t get any better than that.”
Hannah didn’t understand the meaning of the words, but just as when listening to Zadok or Sunshine, it was always best to look dumb and pretend to not care.
She was on the couch, face toward the wall, fully focused on the ice cream bar, tasting it slowly to make the rare treat last as long as possible,
when she realized that the room was silent and she couldn’t remember for how long. She turned to look around.
The man was off the phone, sitting on the edge of his desk, studying her, rubbing his thumb slowly up, slowly down, between his legs.
All the feelings of discomfort and trouble, and the uneasiness that she couldn’t pinpoint, which had gone away a little with the ice cream, came back even more,
and the knot in her stomach made it impossible to take another taste.
Hannah felt like she might throw up, so she just held the bar, unsure of what to do with it.
The man continued to stare, continued to do what he was doing,
and finally, when slow drips began to trickle down her hand, he stood, took the mess from her, and said, “Take off your dress.”
The words were like a smack across the face. Like trouble. Bad trouble.
And the uncomfortable feelings were so bad now that Hannah couldn’t move.
“You love your Prophet?” the man said.
Hannah nodded.
“And your auntie, she told you to obey, yes?”
She nodded again.
“Then do the will of The Prophet, and obey,” the man said.
The words were right, but they were confusing coming from this outsider in the Void,
and the uncomfortable feelings were now both inside and outside. It wasn’t fear, but yes, it was fear.
She should do what he said, she needed to obey, he might hit her, or worse he might tell Sunshine, but Hannah still couldn’t move.
The man tossed the ice cream into a trash can and wiped his fingers on his pant leg.
He reached for her hand and, more roughly than he’d done in the reception room, pulled her to her feet. “Come,” he said. “I will help you.”
His hands were impatient as he turned her around so that her back faced him.
It was not new, what he was doing, even if this experience outside the Haven and with this man were new.
He tugged the dress zipper and Hannah closed her eyes.
Behind her lids the tears burned hot, but she would never let them surface.
She breathed long and slow, and let her mind run away, far away,
to the hidden and forbidden daydreams where nothing bad happened, where there was no trouble, where she was special and wanted, and always, always safe.
