Shows
Guantanamo BaesMaya Angelou's Worst PoemIt's mostly a White Lotus season finale recap - we're pretty much disassociating from everything else rn!2025-04-1150 min
Guantanamo BaesWorking out with CelebritiesThe Baes teach Cuba how to establish an Oligarchy and revel in the schadenfreude of Emilia Perez's disappointing Oscar campaign.2025-03-1159 min
Guantanamo BaesDepartment of Baby Seal ClubbingBoy, what a year it's been, huh? (Lemon, it's February). The Baes dissect the YOLO actions of the New American Empire, Julian talks about taking work calls from an eliptical, and Brian talks about a family whose wealth is tenuously held together by a series Taco Bell franchises.2025-02-1152 minGuantanamo BaesFirst Pump Since the FiresI know no one cares about the LA fires anymore, but here's a little distillation of what it was like when we were in the middle of it.
Obviously lots to talk about in the year and we're still only 3 weeks into January. We're not going anywhere, hope y'all aren't either.2025-01-2251 minGuantanamo BaesMerry Gris-MasHope everyone's having a "Wicked" good December! The Baes talk Yacht Rock, their favorite Cuban dishes for the holidays, and Julian shares his top movies of 2024.2024-12-171h 01Guantanamo BaesCall My Momala: The Live(ish) Election SpecialStrap in.2024-11-0639 min
Guantanamo BaesThe MenenbaezIt's the Menendez Brothers episode! The Baes dive into the re-opening of the infamous Beverly Hills murder case and Julian gets so mad at Brian at one point he literally storms out of the room. Boy, these Cubans have a real temper!2024-10-3056 minGuantanamo BaesHvladimir Sleeps with the FishesThe Baes investigate the mysterious death of Hvaldimir, the Norweigan Beluga whale accused of subterfuge.
Julian also laments the lack of weathered looking Hollywood leading men and Brian uses his grad school education to ask for help.2024-09-1848 minGuantanamo BaesFresh Alpine RBG Air: The Presidential Debate...Live!The Baes watched the Presidential debate so you don't have to!
Or if you did watch it, that's cool too! Relive the highlights with us cause we got something to say about everything in this one.2024-09-111h 42Guantanamo BaesLet's Work It Out on the RemixBrian and Julian address the BRAT of it all, the Kamalaissance, and Cuba's (lack of) athletes in this year's Olympics. Also, Julian shares poo poo stories from the pool and the boys get into a kerfuffle over Olympic surfing.2024-08-0551 minGuantanamo BaesYour Move, Iwo Jima PhotoThe Baes discuss the sudden breakup of Tenacious D, the rise of gay fascism, and why the RNC is considered Grindr's Super Bowl.2024-07-2652 minGuantanamo BaesJet Ski SummerIt's a jet ski big fake boob summer here at the Guantanmo Baes! Julian is officially a certified lifeguard, Brian has a new comedy show premiering, and Cuba receives a visitor who they claim was trained by an American-based militia. What will the gang get into next??2024-07-1556 minGuantanamo BaesSpy Games in Caribbean WatersWas Robin Williams a joke thief? Are we ready for a Brat Pack revival? Will any of this even matter if the nukes end up flying with Russian warships loitering just off the Florida coast?2024-06-1855 minGuantanamo BaesMy Time Going Shooty Shooty Pew Pew: A Queer RetrospectiveJulian shoots guns in the country, security at Cannes get handsy with Kelly Rowland, and the Baes express their differing points of view when it comes to hanging out under bridges. The Pope throwing out gay slurs also emboldens Brian to try an Italian accent way too much in this one.
Y'all, we watched the Garfield Movie after recording this and literally walked out of the theater. Please don't give them your money, it's so bad.2024-06-0449 minGuantanamo BaesDon't F***ing Havana Syndrome Me, DudeHow many Peabodys does one have to curl to get a good workout? Would you try to steal a manual transmission car if you couldn't drive stick? Should people have better vocabulary when it comes to describing fashion?
2024-05-1654 minGuantanamo BaesTwo Hungry People in a Strange LandIt’s an episode of advents! Brian and Julian get into a
Khruangbin pissing contest, the Baes lament the rise of "Mid TV," and we fangirl over the upcoming Sydney Sweeney/Ana de Armas collab.2024-05-1151 minGuantanamo BaesI Like Spectacles and I Like DrinkingThe Baes dish the chisme on the past schemes and recent sentencing of Cuban spy cosplaying as American diplomat, Manuel Rocha. Also, Brian reaches out to the last person to ever cast OJ Simpson in a film and the palace kitties of Mexico receive a well deserved social safety net.2024-04-2957 min
Guantanamo BaesMedianoches Along Sunset BlvdBrian and Julian dissect the Goya of it all behind LA's consortium of Cuban bakery royalty; Sylvester Stallone forgets that people aren't ugly, they're just poor; and after long, internal debate we decided that the pig stays in the picture.2024-04-1546 minGuantanamo BaesCaribbean Men with Impulse IssuesWhat's at the core of the layers being peeled away by Serial's latest exposé on Gitmo? Why are casino owners so excited every time Bruno Mars walks into the room? And are men allowed to have mental health issues?2024-04-0353 minGuantanamo BaesPoundin' Out Some PokeCuba’s got an AirBnB problem, we learn why the left hand is the Devil’s Hand, and RuPaul will sell you a copy of Hitler's Mein Kampf below market value if you’ll let him.
2024-03-2051 minGuantanamo BaesCali Sober BirthdayThe world's a minefield and we stepped on pretty much every one of them in this episode. All I know is we're both so excited to see what the Latin-influenced pagoda is going to look like at Cuba's new embassy in South Korea.2024-03-131h 00Guantanamo BaesTwo Birds, One Poker ChipGet in the car, betch, it's our Jesus year! Brian gets a religious education, Julian spills some J-Lo tea, and Cuba may (or may not) be facing a cybersecurity attack. And it's still only February?2024-02-2552 minGuantanamo Baes31 is a Millennial 18Julian breaks down the parallels between the Cuban Revolution and the movie Saltburn. ***Fair Warning: This episode contains gratuitous spoilers to the film Saltburn***2024-02-0755 minGuantanamo BaesThe Santerias Yearn for CapitalismAre we able to manifest our own conspiracy theories? Is this turbulent decade simply the dawning of the Age of Aquarius? And will there always be a market for Victorian period pieces?2024-01-2452 minGuantanamo BaesBonus Episode: You But BetterMorning, Sunshine. The Baes are honored to give you this bonus episode with the help of our friends at the "You But Better" Podcast. This episode, recorded from last year, features Brian as fictional athlete, Freddy "The Flow" Marrero (fiction being the only place Brian could ever realistically be an athlete). Give them a follow, why don't you? Do it for us, at least?!
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You But Better:
https://www.ybbpod.com/sharehttps://www.instagram.com/betteryouniverse/2024-01-1534 minGuantanamo BaesLiteral Money MovesWhy would someone throw a molotov cocktail at the Cuban Embassy? Is Cher showing us her inner mama-bear? And is Kevin Bacon gonna call the Ghostbusters?2024-01-1144 minGuantanamo BaesHomo-geneousOh just hit play. The Baes are back and better than ever in 2024, what more could you possibly want?!2024-01-1100 minGuantanamo BaesLivin' La Vida RochaBrian and Julian examine the life of recently indicted diplomat-turned-informant (or informant-turned-diplomat?) Manuel Rocha. Also, our year-end review and Julian's top movies of 2023!2023-12-1856 minGuantanamo BaesWilde Still SlapsI'm selling out our decription this week to get y'all to come to our UCB show this Tuesday, 12/5 at 7 PM. Also, was Julian overly defensive during this week's World According to Jules? Or is it just me? Massive shout-out to Caroline Cotter by the way. We love y'all2023-12-0457 minGuantanamo BaesJacob Elordi's Stunning HandbagsHave we missed anything? Brian was in Egypt, Julian was in Texas, and we just wanted to make sure y'all are ok.2023-11-3049 minGuantanamo BaesFootball Psyops in AmericaAre we the real pigs for declaring war on pigs? Is it gay to be homophobic? Also, Brian and Julian discuss a story in the NFL that isn't Taylor Swift and Travis Kelce.
Also, we hope to see you at our UCB show on 11/27 :)2023-11-0248 minGuantanamo Baes¿Por qué no la paz?Aye yai yai...it's the Israel/Palestine episode.2023-10-2355 minGuantanamo BaesCareful with the Honey Dicks in AfricaIs the US having a fun little coup moment cozying up to Cuba's burgeoning private sector? Is conceptual art officially over? And is it just us or is ever brunette these days calling themseles a "woman of color?"2023-09-2554 minGuantanamo BaesI Won't Survive in the SlammyThe Baes are in the studio with one of our Bucharest Besties: actor, comedian, and writer Smaranda Luna, who explains why theater should be accessible to even the worst among us and why Drew Berrymore isn't as cute as she thinks she is.2023-09-181h 00Guantanamo BaesThe White Guilt Money PitHow far is too far for a gender reveal party? Did the Great British Bake-Off bend their knee to the woke mob? Also, Julian repents for his false land recognition last week.2023-09-1352 minGuantanamo Baes#NotAllPriestsCan Cuba's crackdown on public dissent give us a fun little Da Vinci Code moment? Is there anti-penetrative messaging in the Peter Rabbit films? Was the Desperate Housewives Vanity Fair cover one of the most iconic images of the Bush era?2023-09-0253 minGuantanamo BaesYour Libra Moon is on Full DisplayAre Austin an Palm Springs sister cities? Would you ever smuggle diet coke if it wasn't allowed overseas? Also, Brian and Julian playfully lose the thread again.2023-08-2846 minGuantanamo BaesFantastic Lady QuartersHas mainstream culture become too gay? Or has gay culture become too mainstream? Also, Julian is forced to talk about sports.2023-08-1850 minGuantanamo BaesThe Episode of a Thousand JuliansWhat does an emerging private sector mean for the people of Cuba? Are Sea Otters to surfers what Orcas are to billionaires? And Brian learns that some gay literature is not for the faint of heart.2023-08-0257 minGuantanamo BaesMore of a Face PlantainShould Cubans be allowed to play Jews on Broadway? Who do you call when you want to divorce your ghost husband? Who wins in a beauty contest between Antony Blinken and Hunter Biden?2023-07-2054 minGuantanamo BaesYou're Comparing Belarus to Jamaica?Is defacing the Colosseum worth it if it impresses your date? Why did it take Maury Povich so long to come out with his own paternity test? Where does Frank Underwood end and Kevin Spacey begin?
2023-07-1051 minGuantanamo BaesWhat is this Beautiful Quilt I'm Beholding?The Baes sit down with activist, Jordan David, to discuss his recent visit to Cuba as a queer delegate, why the mainstream adoption of Pride has all but erased its original mission, and why he does not find comparisons to Obama flattering (spoiler: war crimes).2023-06-291h 06Guantanamo BaesI'm Sure the Locker Rooms Were FunWhy is Cuba getting cozy with Russia again? We've been over this before! Also, we love big girls. Happy Pride.2023-06-1449 minGuantanamo BaesJT Kelley: A Communist's LifeResident Bad Boy, JT Kelley (@godsfavoritecomedian), chats with us about his time in the Austin Communist chapter and why today his primary political philosophy is more vacation days.2023-06-061h 08Guantanamo BaesJulian Wants to be a MermaidWho understands the universe better between Stephen Hawking and Lana Del Rey? Is Elon Musk inadvertently bridging the gap between the US and Cuba? Oh yeah, and Julian wants to be a mermaid.2023-05-3141 minGuantanamo BaesThe Global Decoupling EpisodeWho gets custody of Cuba in the International divorce between the East and West? Would Brian have had a longer career as a Go-Go Dancer if he had unionized? Is "The Bachelor" a Right-Wing Psy Op?2023-05-2255 minGuantanamo BaesMeeting this Dark, Psychic MomentShould Charlize Theron be elected Queen of South Africa? Will SoulCycle re-emerge after the collapse of Peloton? Also, did you know Che Guevara was a homophobic murderer?2023-05-161h 00Guantanamo BaesThe Holy Ghost AwardsHas Tchaikovsky made you orgasm in public lately? Were you once a cat in turn of the century Paris in a past life? Should Julian just say 'the hell with it' and become a juicy character actress?2023-05-101h 00Guantanamo BaesVarsity RedsWould you kill your Doppelganger if given the opportunity? What is the most homophobic branch of Christianity? And can the sport of husband calling help us heal as a nation?
2023-05-011h 04Guantanamo BaesPlus Sized Latinas in the WildIs 'How to Lose a Guy in 10 Days' considered canon? Why does Cuba care if the US bans TikTok ? And are you Team Rosie or Team J Lo?2023-04-241h 06Guantanamo BaesCome and Take my Eggs Benny at Drag Brunch, BitchHas a charming bartender tried to sell you on Amway lately? Does Ben Afleck put on a telanovela voice when he speaks Spanish? And does anyone else feel kinda bad for the Christians living in LA?
2023-04-1746 minGuantanamo BaesLeopard Can Change its Gender but it Can't Change its SpotsWill Taylor Swift return to country music after her second presidential term? How many people did Pope Francis do the horizontal mambo with before he pledged his life to the cloth? And will this generation of aging ravers make good ear doctors?
¡Also, congratulations Dr. Jose Pablo Llongueras!2023-04-1056 minGuantanamo BaesFulfilling the Lana Del Rey Dream of Moving to the MidwestDoes voter turnout rate matter if there's only one candidate? Is Gwyneth Paltrow a menace on the slopes? And have you unknowingly harassed a pod of dolphins?
2023-04-0354 minGuantanamo BaesStop the (Cuban) StealWho catches the blame if your hubby is caught sleeping with the tennis instructor? Should the government subsidize religious desecration? And is it just us or are fruit flies getting gayer? Also, justice for Afroman!
2023-03-2752 minGuantanamo BaesLos ProblemistosWho's the most spank-able nepo-baby out there? Did Pedro Pascal discover the legal alternative to methamphetamine? And did anyone else find the video of the Russian plane dumping fuel on the American drone strangely erotic?2023-03-201h 09Guantanamo BaesBoy Meets CongressShould anyone arrested for treason ever see the light of day again? Would Julian move back to Cuba if they had a Gucci store? Should Corey Matthews from Boy Meets World run for Congress?2023-03-1357 minGuantanamo BaesYou'd be a hell of a Wonk, bitchShould we help children feel more welcome in prison? What do Pete Buttigieg and Taylor Swift have in common? Also, why all of us should carry our cup the way Jonathan Majors does.2023-03-0655 minGuantanamo BaesAngela Bassett did the ThingWhy is Tekashi69 causing such a ruckus in Havana? Is the nickname 'Meatball Ron,' Trump's greatest contribution to American culture? And why are Mormons so good at pyramid schemes?2023-02-2753 minGuantanamo BaesBenders at the RamadaIs Nintendo the gayest video game console? Also, Julian makes Brian listen to the new Lana Del Rey song.2023-02-2059 minGuantanamo BaesWhat do you mean, "You People?"Does Michael Imperioli have the softest lips in Hollywood? If you don't have kids, should you make friends with people who have guest houses? Is faking cancer ever worth it?2023-02-1751 minGuantanamo BaesThe Chinese Spy Balloon EpisodeWhat's that silly ol' Xi Jinping up to with this balloon nonsense? Will Elian Gonzalez be a fair and just leader of the Cuban people? Is Zara Lawson justified in thinking people should be allowed to talk in movie theaters?2023-02-1347 min
Guantanamo BaesTo Kill a HummingbirdIs it too early to start making Oscar predictions? How genuine is Spencer Pratt's hummingbird obsession? Was Ted Lasso written by an AI to strengthen relations between the US and Europe to prepare for war with China?2023-01-3056 minGuantanamo BaesJinkies!Is Mindy Kaling's 'Velma' really a right-wing psy-op? Have you been eating more cookies for breakfast in light of this egg shortage? And should we open a club in WeHo and call it 'the Duchy of Cornwall'?
Music by BridgerPrix2023-01-231h 05Guantanamo BaesEat, Gay, LoveJulian is in the studio to talk about his trip to Egypt, the unfortunate truth about Nepo-Babies (that they exist), and give his hot takes on the latest news stories in a new segment we're calling "The World According to Jules."
It's gonna be a great year, people!
Intro by BridgerPrix
2023-01-0950 minGuantanamo BaesEP.9 I, ArtBotJulian is back in the studio to go over his Top 10 list for the year and discuss the terrifying implications of the AI Art craze.2022-12-1349 minGuantanamo BaesPop Culture Update w/ Julian GozaJulian is back in the studio to spill the tea on the dust that has yet to settle on Brangelina's separation. Also, mourning the loss of Leslie Jordan, and where's the best place to get a massage with no hanky-panky in LA.
Music by BridgerPrix2022-11-0354 minGuantanamo BaesThanks Obama w/ Neeraj SrinivasanNeeraj Srinivasan ("100 Thousand Dollar Pyramid" and "Portlandia") visits us from Portland to talk about TV's first portrayal of a Black President, his evolving relationship with angst, and gives sound advice on what to do when you win 100K in a game show hosted by Michael Strahan.
Intro Music by BridgerPrix2022-10-2700 minGuantanamo BaesLife Pivot w/ Jessica BurchCopywriter, designer, and old friend from high school, Jessica Burch, is in LA on a business trip to learn about the technology that is going to take your job one day. She also teaches us how we can successfully change careers while juggling two kids and a mortgage.
Sorry for the delay, everyone, I was out of town and was really sick for a week when I got back but I'm feeling better now. Hope you like the new theme music.
Intro music by BridgerPrix (find them on Instagram @bridgerprix) 2022-10-2152 minGuantanamo BaesEmmy Review Spectacular with Quinn LaraBig shot Hollywood man who works at the Starz Network, Quinn Lara, stops by to justify the atrocities the world witnessed at the 2022 Emmys. Also, what exactly is racist's latest beef with Middle Earth and King's Landing?
2022-09-201h 02Guantanamo BaesDon't Worry DarlingBrian's cousin, Julian Goza (Actor: "Barry") stops by the studio to talk about the infamous premiere weekend of the cursed thriller "Don't Worry Darling," and together, we answer the age-old question: Did Harry Styles spit on Chris Pine?
Also, does Sydney Sweeney deserve the backlash she's getting for her mother's MAGA themed birthday party?2022-09-1353 min