Shows
The New ArkFlothrowyIn this season finale: a special guest, flies as pets, a productivity hack with hanging anvils and how to catch Kristen Bell. Flies, crows and sloths battle for the final place on the ark. Elliot, Joe and Saf plan how to have 500 children. Same old nonsense. See you next season! Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.
2023-06-1157 minThe New ArkCamelsThis episode: the new ark does drinking games, Joe shares wisdoms on pee consistency and Elliot readies arson charges. Also: the camel that shot its owner. Just cos'. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.
2023-06-0240 minThe New ArkLeechesThis week on Ark the musical, we invent leech porn. What a climax. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.
2023-05-2634 minThe New ArkCrowsThis episode: anti-rabbit lighthouses, why you might marry a dead person, and how crows are really the McDonalds mafia. Joe goes on record advocating for adultery and Elliot reveals a cunning plan to explode crow's heads with a murder mystery. Bidding for the film rights will start at £5 million. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.
2023-05-1943 minThe New ArkCrabsIn this episode: Joe gets burgled and Elliot names an STD after himself for SEO. Also: how many legs can a crab lose before it's no longer a crab? This and other age-old questions will not be answered. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.
2023-05-1244 minThe New ArkDucksThe show that will get Elliot cancelled. The darkest ep. to date. Where Joe admits the animal he's defending is a despicable serial rapist. Nuff said. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.
2023-05-0531 minThe New ArkFliesIntroducing the all new ark spin-off show, Films We Haven't Watched. Talking about movies we couldn't be arsed to see. With cameos from penis swords, walking zebra murals and awkward pauses... ... ... ... ... ... ... lots of awkward pauses ... ... ... ... ... ... also flies. Enjoy! Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.
2023-04-2843 minThe New ArkTigersThis week, Joe's being haunted and Elliot's high as a kite. But it's Tony the trouser-ripping tiger in the spotlight. You know that dude's over 70 years old and still creeping into kiddies' homes on cereal packets; definitely not giving off any paedophile vibes. 3, 2, 1, clap. Bye! Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.
2023-04-2149 minThe New ArkOwlsJoe thinks owls are dead boring. Elliot spent a month in France saving their asses. But whoever said fight for what you believe in didn't while away his finite time before the grave recording drunken ramblings about space arks and raining cats. That's a fact. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.
2023-04-1450 minThe New ArkMothsThey're the mortal enemy of sharks, bees, elephants, Godzilla and Elliot. But special guest Leanna's determined to get them a space on the moth-ership. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.
2023-04-0755 minThe New ArkJellyfishThey don't have eyes, ears, noses, brains, hearts or anuses. What do they have? A Welshman who self-identifies as a kettle to defend them. Good luck jellyfish. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.
2023-03-3137 minThe New ArkSlothsIn this 10-year-old's wet dream of an episode, we talk about poo smells, sex screams and sliding down poles. You know, the usual Tuesday evening deal. Joe reveals intimate insights about his bowel movements. You don't wanna know. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.
2023-03-2437 minThe New ArkSnailsSnails. They're like slugs with houses. Or seahorses after 15 minutes in the blender. Or sloths if you're Joe. So come ye come ye and hear us two spineless suckers moping about dishing the dirt on these garden heroes. With all the energy of a snail. Seriously. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.
2023-03-1743 minThe New ArkTardigradesThis episode: tardigrades, the tiny little indestructible micro-bears with eight legs and a vacuum cleaner bag body. Why tardigrades? You asked for them. Nerd. Now see these superpowered microbes torn to shreds before your very eyes. Except it's a podcast so you won't actually see anything. Just imagine. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.
2023-03-1035 minThe New ArkSharksYou asked, we answered! Rattling off your audience requests to kick off TNA series 2, we're taking sharks to town. Which sharks can walk? Which die if they stop swimming? What idiot would put them on board an itty bitty space ship they're flying? That last one's Joe by the way. But please, please listen anyway :) Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.
2023-03-0342 minThe New ArkRhinosEarth hasn't exploded (yet) so we're back! Well... Elliot is. Saf got eaten by fungi and in his place it's Welshman Joe being overly nice to bastard animals. First on the chopping block: rhinos. [Boo hiss!] In this ep, Elliot tries to break Joe and almost succeeds, extracting the choice phrase: "Life is shit." Fun times! Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.
2023-02-2454 min
The New ArkFrofunsnakThe royal rumble rematch: closing out The New Ark series 1 in style with a three-way showdown between frogs, snakes and fungi. Can we break the podcast by letting a non-animal on board? Yes we can!! Our first 'happy' ending for the show and plenty of pizza-based discussion. Series 2 coming this September to a device near you! Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.
2022-06-0754 minThe New ArkJaguarsIs Black Panther any good? What the f*** is a panther anyways? In the series' penultimate episode, we take a jackhammer to jaguars' reputation and reveal why God mucked up with camouflage. Do jaguars deserve a spot on the ark? Head to @newarkhives to leave your vote... Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.
2022-05-3147 minThe New ArkMeerkatsSaf's chance to take his revenge on cats being left for the coming apocalypse. Elliot's chance to rant about annoying ads and murderous nymphomaniacs. Who's in favour of the pet meerkat and nearly won one with their car insurance? Listen in to find out. Head to @newarkhives afterwards to vote: meerkats, good or bastards. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.
2022-05-2441 minThe New ArkEarthwormsThis episode, Darwin and God team up to help worms worm their way on board. Elliot resorts to Star Wars' giant sandworms and the Mongolian death worm. And we discover the miracle of the transient anus. Head to @newarkhives afterwards to vote whether earthworms deserve a ticket to Earth 2.0. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.
2022-05-1753 minThe New ArkChameleonsThis episode: a starfish of chameleons in an aquarium. Also Saf misspells chameleon. Elliot plays the race card and reveals God's OG rules for animals on the ark. No longer will chameleons blend in and escape keen eyes- now they're out, exposed in the spot light, all their crimes laid bare for judgement. Do they deserve to make it on the ark? You decide. Cast your votes @newarkhives. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.
2022-05-1051 minThe New ArkBearsSo they killed 26 little children in the Bible, but never mind- bears are great, right? Then again, how did Goldilocks die? And what's up with the sloth bear ripping out peoples faces whilst they're still alive? Are bears hairy Chewbacca jedis or will they join the dark side? Head to @newarkhives afterwards to cast your vote on if bears get the golden ticket to Earth 2.0 or if farcical fire and brimstone better suits their crimes. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.
2022-05-0351 minThe New ArkBeesIn this un-bee-lievably bee-eautiful episode, the honey-tongued Saf defends bees against Elliot's lambasts. Inventors of democracy or imperialist autocracy? Hive mind or mindless bombing suicides? And what kind of bee makes hallucinogenic rainbow honey? All this and more- head to @newarkhives afterwards to cast your vote on if bees merit a spot on our space cruise. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.
2022-04-2657 minThe New ArkWolvesHow do you catch a wolf with one hand down its throat? Listen in to find out. Fairy tale villains or misunderstood cretins- all will be revealed as Elliot and Saf sink their teeth into the gritty business of wolves. And supervolcanoes. Because why not? Head to @newarkhives afterwards to vote on whether wolves deserve a place on the all new and improved ark. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.
2022-04-1951 minThe New ArkFungiSaf's been eaten by fungi and now they're here to claim their mouldy old spot on the ark. They're not even animals but hey- who cares? They're serial killers anyway, so it take a very stupid person to get on their bad side. Like Elliot. Special guest Marika Bell wisely defends them. Head to @newarkhives afterwards to cast your vote: fungi friends or foes? Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.
2022-04-1242 minThe New ArkBatsThey rhyme with cats, which is always a bad omen, but will bats make it on the ark? Only time will tell. And a rant or two from Elliot along the usual lines- bats being responsible for both COVID and World War 3, of course. Listen closely then head to @newarkhives to vote if bats get that golden ticket to a new world... or not. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.
2022-04-0551 minThe New ArkRaccoonsRaccoons are obese good-for-nothing big black-and-white rats. Or are they? In this marvellous episode, Elliot fails abysmally to find a more popular Marvel film than Guardians of the Galaxy and we discuss whether raccoons can really talk- very, very, briefly. Head to @newarkhives after listening to vote on whether these critters deserve a spot on the ark. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.
2022-03-2958 minThe New ArkAnglerfishAnglerfish: dope or deep sea shit? Rapists or celibate saints? Slave drivers or shining beacons of hope? In the first and only episode of The New Ark not to reference Jurassic Park, we dive into the angry devils that are anglerfish and Saf almost drowns. Do they deserve a spot on the ark? Leave your vote @newarkhives. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.
2022-03-2253 minThe New ArkGirpigeodileWelcome to the inaugural Royal Rumble. Up for debate this week: not one but three animals which you the audience couldn't decide on. Pigeons, crocodiles and giraffes all get successively bigged up then eaten alive as Saf and Elliot are joined by special guest Joseph Grove from the Animal Wellness Podcast to thrash out which critter merits that golden ticket and an all expenses paid trip to paradise. Follow the action @newarkhives. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.
2022-03-1542 minThe New ArkSnakesThisssss week: it'sssss dessseption and ssssnake oil for our sssssslithering animal guesssssst. Prepare for ssssssibilance galore as Elliot revels in stringing up snakes and Saf triessss to ssssave them. Do they dessserve a place on the ark? You decide.... leave your votes @newarkhives. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.
2022-03-081h 00The New ArkArmadillosThis week: armoured dildos... oops- damn autocorrect! This week: armadillos!! Leprosied lunatics and cancerous cretins, these creatures' reputations take one hell of a beating. Is their chance at arkly salvation a far cry? Will they ball up and die? You decide... leave your votes @newarkhives. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.
2022-03-0147 minThe New ArkButterfliesThis week: chrysalises crucified in a caterpillarific episode. Butterflies bashed as genocidal maniacs with appalling personal hygiene standards. Will they fly high or had they better flee? Arch enemy or ark-angel? You decide... leave your votes @newarkhives. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.
2022-02-2254 minThe New ArkParrotsPolly might want a strong shot of whisky after hearing this episode. Brigands, imperialists, sexists, antifeminists and idiots who can only count to six; it's pandemonium for parrots' reputations this episode. Do they merit a ticket onboard The New Ark or ought they get blown up with the other sodding creatures? Share your thoughts @newarkhives. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.
2022-02-1556 minThe New ArkChimpanzeesAre our closest relatives saints or sinners? Chimps are on the chopping block this week with hose-based pranks and Hollywood 'facts' serving as damning testimony against them. They've already been banned from eating bananas- will they be left behind when the earth explodes next week? You decide- cast your vote @newarkhives. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.
2022-02-0855 minThe New ArkFrogsThis week: Saf questions the nature of good and evil whilst Elliot bitches about Disney princesses. We have our first ever joke for the podcast and learn how to get high off skin secretions from the spawn of satan. What could be better than that? Not frogs. Cos' they suck. Head to @newarkhives after the show to share the hate :) Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.
2022-02-011h 02The New ArkPandasPrepare for pandamonium this week as Saf pulls out all stops and Elliot seeks to sabotage Chinese culture and government. Nothing is black and white on this all-out showdown featuring panda monks pissing whilst doing handstands. Drop by @newarkhives afterward to register as an official baby-hater and kick pandas off the planet. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.
2022-01-2549 minThe New ArkGiraffesTowering examples of animal excellence or just the usual pains in the neck? That's right- this week giraffes are under scrutiny to see whether their high-brow image stands up to Elliot's 'piss in the mouth' cross-examination. Don't forget to check in @newarkhives afterwards to vote on giraffe treadmills and UK flags. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.
2022-01-1850 minThe New ArkKangaroosHop on board as we head Down Under and buckle up- 'cos you know what they say about beasts with big feet!! Listen in close for The New Ark's first and only improv game show segment, then head to @newarkhives afterwards to register your vote (which is mandatory in Australia, just saying). The right answer's NO :) Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.
2022-01-111h 01The New ArkFerretsThey're like really long rats, but can they weasel their way onto The New Ark? Tune in to find out. The furry fiends are a farmer's worst friend and (spoiler alert) they die if they don't have sex, but there's only one thing that counts here, and that's your vote. Stop by @newarkhives and drop a line aye or nay for ferrets in space. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.
2022-01-0344 minThe New ArkPigeonsDove of peace of fat winged rat? Here's your chance to find out. Will the infamous pigeon stand up to the grilling of The New Ark's cross-examining or can we expect a New Year's squab to join the Christmas leftovers? Join the debate on social media @newarkhives. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.
2021-12-3143 minThe New ArkCrocodilesYes, The New Ark's set sail once again on its futile quest to divine the good and evil of the animal world, to save the virtuous and condemn the crooks- or is that, crocodiles? Are those tears real? What lies behind that crooked smile? Only you can decide whether it's a cruise to salvation or 'see you later' for these scaly critters- comment your thoughts to @newarkhives. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.
2021-12-2751 minThe New ArkDolphinsRide the waves with The New Ark as we chatter about dolphin cuteness and carnage. Head to @newarkhives afterward to vote on whether or not they get room and board on board. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.
2021-12-2047 minThe New ArkAntsStep on The New Ark as we place ants' antics under the microscope to answer the age-old question: anti-hero or antagonist? Head to @newarkhives afterward to vote on whether or not they get two one-way passes to paradise. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.
2021-12-1347 minThe New ArkElephantsGrab a bunk on The New Ark as we phantasize about ill-remembered elephantine misdemeanors. Head to @newarkhives afterward to vote on whether or not they merit an invite to the space cruise. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.
2021-12-0642 minThe New ArkCatsHop aboard The New Ark as we prrruse the particulars of man's best feline friend- the domestic cat. Head to @newarkhives afterward to vote on whether or not they deserve a ticket to Earth 2.0 and join the crew. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.
2021-11-2943 minThe New ArkFoxesSet sail on The New Ark for the very first time as we debate the finer points of foxes. Head to @newarkhives afterward to vote whether or not they deserve a place on board. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.
2021-11-1732 min