Shows
Crazy in LoveThe Slow Death of Good RelationshipsThere's a myth about the ending of relationships: fire, heat, arguments, affairs. But only about a quarter of divorces occur because of an affair. Half of couples stay together after one of them strays. The reality is that something more depressing is taking place: the slow, sad decline of once-decent relationships into disappointment and loneliness. 1 in 10 are stuck in what they describe as loveless marriages. 15% of people wish they'd married someone else. An even bigger percentage describe being in sexless relationships.Why do we end up making each other so unhappy? What goes...
2025-11-2533 min
Crazy in LoveDon't Be A Jerk: The ONE reason why most relationships failSo much of the complexity of relationship advice can be simplified into four words (or five, if you're being pedantic): Don't Be A Jerk. Of course, the reality is a bit more complex than that. Matt and Graham talk in today's episode mainly about the single biggest killer of relationships: contempt. What is it? How does it develop in relationships? How can you see it when it's present? And how do you work your way back towards respecting and liking each other when contempt is present? The Psychology Today blogpost discussed in today's...
2025-11-0929 min
Crazy in LoveThe Three-Hour Evening: should couples create more structure in their evening routine to improve their relationships?You've probably heard of it: the Three-Hour Evening.It’s the latest couples’ hack and involves splitting the evening into chunks – including an hour without phones.What's not to like? Do your chores, have some couples' time, have some alone time. Perfect.But who are these mysterious people with young children who have THREE HOURS of time every evening to fill? And, joking aside, even if you only have one hour, does it make sense to split it in the way the Three-Hour Evening suggests?Matt and Graham dive in, and find t...
2025-10-2427 min
Crazy in LoveNeurodiversity & Relationships 2: AutismGraham and Matt continue a short series on neurodiversity and relationships by exploring autism.Autism diagnoses have gone up 800% in the last few decades. The male to female ratio has shrunk from 4:1 to 2:1. Most of the explosion in diagnoses has occurred at the milder end of the autism spectrum. Social media is rife with videos celebrating inaccurate versions of "autism" and claiming it as an identity. So what's going on here? How does autism manifest in relationships? What behaviours would you notice if a partner was autistic?How can couples talk about autism...
2025-10-1037 min
Crazy in LoveNeurodiversity & Relationships 1: ADHDGraham and Matt begin a short series on neurodiversity and relationships by focusing on ADHD.What actually is ADHD? How does it show up in relationships? What behaviours would you notice even if you or your partner don't have a formal diagnosis?How can couples talk about ADHD without it feeling like one partner's "problem" to solve? And how much can you expect change in a relationship where one person has with an ADHD diagnosis? What happens if you're both neurodiverse?The episode covers the parent-child dynamic in relationships and how to break...
2025-09-2539 min
Crazy in LoveThe Benefits of Marginal Gains Calories in, calories out. Harm reduction in substance abuse. Tiny improvements, day in, day out. All very sensible - but can modest, realistic interventions drive genuine transformation in your relationship?Matt and Graham argue that yes, you can achieve a lot with relatively little. A small number of couples therapy sessions, with some key interventions, can transform an unhappy relationship. But what are those interventions and how do you practice them?
2025-09-1637 min
Crazy in LoveGreat Expectations: do we expect too much from our relationships?In the modern world, we are told to look for romantic partners who "complete" us. They should not only be someone who we love, but also someone who encourages us to live our best life, to achieve our individual goals and self-actualise. This is a big shift in the last fifty years. We're increasingly sceptical of relationships like the Clintons built on security and shared socio-economic or career interests.Are we asking too much of our relationships? Can we expect one person to offer us security, help us raise our children, but also be exciting...
2025-09-0436 min
Crazy in LoveGreat Expectations: do we ask too much of our relationships?In the modern world, we are told to look for romantic partners who "complete" us. They should not only be someone who we love, but also someone who encourages us to live our best life, to achieve our individual goals and self-actualise. This is a big shift in the last fifty years. We're increasingly sceptical of relationships like the Clintons built on security and shared socio-economic or career interests.Are we asking too much of our relationships? Can we expect one person to offer us security, help us raise our children, but also be exciting...
2025-09-0436 min
Crazy in LoveTrauma & RelationshipsBig "T" trauma. Little "t" trauma. The likes of Gabor Maté and Bessel Van Der Kolk have brought the understanding of trauma far beyond the field of mental health and into everyday life. But what actually is trauma? How does it impact people's personalities?If everything difficult is labelled trauma, does that dilute our understanding and treatment of it?And, of course - how does trauma manifest in relationships? What are the links between trauma and Adverse Childhood Experiences? Between trauma and attachment styles? How do couples deal with their trauma i...
2025-08-2331 min
Crazy in LoveRelationships Are Not Safe SpacesRelationships aren't fragile. They need healthy stress to make them strong.In this episode, Matt and Graham explore how the language of emotional regulation and safe spaces - imported from therapy rooms and HR departments - has reshaped what many now expect from their closest relationships. For many couples, modern love means no raised voices and gentle communication. Conflict and arguments are seen as a failure.What gets lost in the push for comfort is any room for challenge; for the difficult-but-essential conversations that allow you to grow together.Good relationships aren’t lo...
2025-08-1133 min
The Meaningful Life with Andrew G. MarshallGraham Johnston & Matt Wotton - Good Boundaries: The Foundation of Happy RelationshipsWe all know that good boundaries are essential if we want happy relationships. There is a lot of confusion, though, about what exactly a boundary is and how to make it work. Can we have too many boundaries? Should we ever compromise on the boundaries we set?
In this week’s classic reissued episode, Andrew talks about boundaries with Graham Johnston and Matt Wotton from the London Centre of Applied Psychology. Matt and Graham share their own experiences of creating boundaries in both love and parenting, and what it means if we are struggling to get this ri...
2025-08-041h 03
Crazy in LoveAgainst EmpathyIn this episode, Matt and Graham explore the limits of empathy in relationships. Can empathy ever be anything but positive?Yes. In lots of ways. Drawing on the work of Canadian psychologist Paul Bloom, Matt and Graham talk about how empathy limit connection, make us like those who are more like us in various ways, and prioritise experience over truth. Are they fully Against Empathy? Find out by listening....You can buy Paul Bloom's book here: https://www.amazon.co.uk/dp/0062339338
2025-07-3031 min
Crazy in LoveWhy Do Men Avoid Couples Therapy?Most of the initial enquiries we receive as couples therapists come from women. A lot of the men in those couples come into our consulting rooms full of doubt and fear.And why wouldn't they, given roughly 80% of counsellors and therapists are women, and an industry culture of left-leaning safe spaces and lived experience empowerment? Men are often made to feel like inferior women in couples work - out of touch with their feelings; too practical; too focused on individual responsibility.In this episode of Crazy In Love, Matt and Graham explore why men avoid...
2025-07-1730 min
Crazy in LoveAre Relationships A Coin Toss?50% of marriages end in divorce, right?Well, no: the stat is wrong. And more importantly, it distorts how we see relationships, undermines our sense of agency, and obscures what’s actually happening.The idea dates back to the divorce spike of the ’70s and ’80s. Legal reforms in the UK and the U.S. fueled a surge in divorce; the numbers rose dramatically, and commentators noticed. If divorce rates kept rising, half of all marriages would end. That was the claim.But it didn't happen - and believing that relationships are simply a toss o...
2025-07-0734 min
Crazy in LoveCan You Have A Relationship With A Chatbot?This is a podcast about modern relationships. And what could be more modern than AI?Matt and Graham discuss chatbots in today's episode, and consider whether it's possible to develop a relationship with an unconscious machine. And if not, why not?They considered this New York Times article about Eugene Torres, who started using ChatGPT to help with his financial spreadsheets, and ended up getting advice to stop using his psychiatric medication, and embrace his unique identity as a Breaker, advice which almost killed him:https://www.nytimes.com/2025/06/13/technology/chatgpt-ai-chatbots-conspiracies.html
2025-06-2337 min
Crazy in LoveWhat Should I Do If My Relationship's Not Perfect?Roger Federer missed 46% of the shots he took in his career. A decent professional baseball player fails 7 out of every 10 times they're at bat. Michael Jordan missed thousands of shots in his career.Elite sports - like most of life - involves routine failure. You're not going to eliminate failure even if you tried.The same is true of relationships. And yet we tell ourselves silly stories about things needing to feel perfect, that if we're arguing or if we have different personalities, we should think about breaking up.Instead, Matt and Graham...
2025-06-1431 min
Crazy in LoveShould I Trust My Gut?How do you know if you're with the right person?How do you know whether you should ask them to marry you?Charles Darwin, that beacon of rationality, took a very logical approach to his decision to marry his cousin, Emma Wedgwood, making a list of all the pros and cons of getting married. The results are hilarious. But simply trusting our gut doesn't work either. So what should we do?Graham and Matt work their way through this tricky ground in today's episode based on this Psychology Today blogpost:
2025-06-0233 min
Crazy in LoveLong-Term Relationships Are No FunMatt and Graham bring the party-pooper vibe to romantic relationships again in this episode with the claim that long-term relationships are no fun, and they're not meant to be.Most films and songs about love tend to stop at the first kiss, the sprint through the airport. We're crazy in love. Our lovers complete us.But that stage fades. It’s supposed to. If it didn’t, you’d die of exhaustion or lose your job. What replaces it—if you stick around—is something less exciting but more real.Where are the stories an...
2025-05-1326 min
Crazy in LoveMel Robbins & The "Let Them" TheoryThe "Let Them" Theory from Mel Robbins has been embraced by millions across the globe, sparking thousands of Instagram and TikTok videos, and many tattoos.Mel Robbins' book of the same name asks a simple question: what if the key to happiness, success, and love was as simple as two words?In simple terms, if you're overwhelmed, angry or frustrated, the problem isn't you. The problem is the power you give to other people. And two simple words―Let Them―will set you free. But is that too simple? Is it just ancient Budd...
2025-04-0737 min
Crazy in LoveWhat TikTok And Instagram Get Wrong About Attachment StylesAttachment theory, and attachment styles, are having their moment. Search any social media site and you'll find thousands of videos how attachment theory explains everything about you, from your success (or lack of success) in romantic relationships, to your overall mental health.Matt and Graham have spent a big part of their professional lives investigating attachment, and using it to help individuals and couples improve their lives. But what's the reality about attachment? What are its limitations? Should we continue to talk about our attachment styles? This episode explores...
2025-03-3146 min
Crazy in LoveMiranda July's "All Fours": Silly Fantasy Or Liberation Literature?Miranda July's "All Fours" was one of the literary sensations of the summer. Many women in particular resonated with the tale of midlife sexual and creative freedom. The New York Times called it "The First Great Perimenopause Novel" and, in a separate piece, discussed how women across the globe were rethinking family and married life as a result of reading the novel. Others are not so sure. Some see naïve fantasy in its politics instead of liberation.Matt and Graham consider all this in today's episode of the podcast, and have a t...
2025-03-1926 min
Crazy in LoveShould The Government Pay For Marriage Counselling?This episode, Matt and Graham stray into unusual territory, don their policy wonk hats, and look at a question of public policy. They discuss Andrew Yang's idea when running for U.S. President in 2020 for the state to fund marriage counselling before divorce. Similar ideas were proposed as part of legisiation in the UK in 2020.Should the Government fund counselling to attempt to keep couples together? Even if it's a good idea in principle, could it ever work?Here's Andrew Yang discussing his idea:https://thehill.com/homenews/media/452014-meghan-mccain-argues-with-andrew-yang-about-free-marriage-counseling-proposal/
2025-03-1133 min
Crazy in LoveAffairs: The Grass Probably Isn't GreenerAffairs are common. Twenty percent of married men have cheated.But do they make us happy? Do the relationships that begin with affairs last?Why do we even have affairs in the first place?Matt and Graham answer all your questions about affairs in today's episode, based on their Psychology Today blogpost:https://www.psychologytoday.com/gb/blog/get-some-help/202502/affairs-the-grass-probably-isnt-greenerContact us at crazyinlovepodcastuk@gmail.com
2025-02-1328 min
Crazy in LoveAre You Being Controlled?Controlling behaviour is more common in relationships than you might think. Approximately 1.4 million women and 750,000 men in the United Kingdom experience some form of abuse. And some of our heroes - Gandhi, Einstein, Tolstoy, Dickens - have been extremely controlling in their relationships.But it should have no place in a healthy relationship. How do you identify controlling behaviour, especially when it can feels like love? What do you do if you think you're in a relationship with a controlling partner?Matt and Graham answer all these questions in today's episode, based on this blogpost...
2025-02-0632 min
Crazy in LoveBeing the Bad Guy: How to End a Relationship Like a Grown-UpDeciding to leave a relationship is hard, especially when you’ve been together for years. But putting some thought into how you’re going to end it can minimise the depth of the scar you leave, for everyone involved.In this episode, Matt and Graham discuss why “It’s not you; it’s me” is the wrong place to start; how to plan the break-up itself; and how to deal maturely with the immediate aftermath.Their Psychology Today piece this episode is based on is available here:https://www.psychologytoday.com/gb/blog/get-some-hel...
2025-01-1933 min
Crazy in LoveBite Your Tongue: When to Stay Quiet in Your RelationshipTalking can help unearth problems and direct you towards possible solutions and compromises. But the wrong conversations reinforce an image of the relationship as problematic, and upset your partner.So, what should you do instead? When and how should you bite your tongue? Matt and Graham explore these questions and more in today's episode.The blogpost they discuss is available here:https://www.psychologytoday.com/gb/blog/get-some-help/202412/bite-your-tongue-when-to-stay-quiet-in-your-relationshipEmail us at crazyinlovepodcastuk@gmail.com
2024-12-1231 min
Crazy in LoveWhen It's OK to StrayRomantic relationships today carry heavy expectations. We want our partner to be our best friend, confidant, co-parent, caregiver, and lover. This is a lot to ask of one person; no wonder many relationships struggle under the weight of expectations.In this episode, Matt and Graham focus on when it's OK to stray - emotionally, socially, or intellectually - to help sustain a fulfilling relationship.The Psychology Today blogpost this episode is based on can be found here:https://www.psychologytoday.com/gb/blog/get-some-help/202411/when-its-ok-to-strayEmail us at crazyinlovepodcastuk@gmail.com
2024-12-0125 min
Crazy in LoveJust Do It: Sex in RelationshipsSex is brilliant. But how much is enough? Do you need to spice things up from time to time? How do you make sure your sex life stays healthy when kids and careers get in the way? How do you stay attracted to each other when the body gets looser and flabbier over the years? Should you ever have sex when your heart's not fully into it?Graham and Matt explore sex and sexlessness in this episode, with a particular focus on their Psychology Today blogpost on the subject, available here:https://www.psychologytoday.com...
2024-11-0724 min
Crazy in LoveLooking for a Man in Finance: Money and RelationshipsMoney matters. 75% of couples say financial stress is affecting their relationship. Why? How can you avoid it getting in the way of your relationship satisfaction? What if one partner earns loads more than the other? What do you do if your spending habits differ? Is a prenup the answer to all your problems?Graham and Matt explore money this week.Their Psychology Today blogpost is available here:https://www.psychologytoday.com/gb/blog/get-some-help/202410/looking-for-a-man-in-finance-money-and-relationshipsEmail us at crazyinlovepodcastuk@gmail.com
2024-10-2431 min
Crazy in LoveShould I Stay Or Should I Go? This episode, Matt and Graham try to help listeners answer the key question of when to stay and work hard on an imperfect relationship, and when to call it quits.In a culture of instant gratification, we're often told to cut and run.But relationships aren't meant to be easy, and a good life involves accepting life on life’s terms. If you end it, you might be missing the satisfaction and self-growth that come via the joint effort.. You might even live longer: married people are 20 percent less likely to die prematurely.Ev...
2024-09-2729 minCrazy in LoveFight Club: How to have successful argumentsIt's 25 years since the release of David Fincher's movie Fight Club. The first rule of Fight Club is, of course, never to discuss Fight Club.Matt and Graham disagree. More couples should talk about fighting. Arguments happen. The trick is to make sure you fight well.Email us at crazyinlovepodcastuk@gmail.com
2024-09-1231 minCrazy in LoveLove is Like a Foreign LanguageCultivating good relationships is like learning a new language: there are certain grammatical "rules" to guide you; practice makes perfect; making mistakes is a key part of getting better. But we often mistakenly assume we just absorb those skills during our early lives. Today, Matt and Graham explore skills we need to learn along the way to get better at relationships and how to learn to put aside some of the learning we did in our childhood homes ("we never argue in this house", "when things get difficult, doors get slammed" etc.) and lean into the differences...
2024-08-2332 minCrazy in LoveRomeo and Juliet: crazy in love, or terrible role models for romance?The star-cross'd lovers, Romeo and Juliet, are often held up as paragons of a romantic ideal. But are they really?Today, Matt and Graham have a look at the mistakes we make in love: the assumption that there should be "the one" who "completes" us; the idea that the intensity of teenage love should continue into adulthood; the concept that we should simply accept relationships becoming stale and boring. Along the way, they have a look at the behaviours that need to be fixed to lead to more fulfilling relationships and talk about what "imperfect...
2024-08-1532 minCrazy in LoveRethinking Radical Honesty in Relationships It's the new thing with well-intentioned couples experts: drive greater intimacy and trust by being radically honest with your partner. Tell them more about your inner thoughts, dreams and desires.But what does radical honesty really mean?Does it add anything to the virtue of honesty celebrated by Aristotle thousands of years ago?Matt and Graham grapple with the concept in this episode, with a nod to Will Ferrell, Brett Kahr, and bowel movements....Here's the scene from Old School with Will Ferrell...
2024-08-0427 minCrazy in LoveBad Advice From Couples TherapistsIn this episode, Graham and Matt discuss some bad ideas often given to couples - from self-help books, wellness magazines and, yes, couples therapists. They might have even offered some of these bad ideas themselves once upon a time....Should you look deep into each other's eyes? Should you have Date Nights? Should you share a bath together? Should you create a Vision Board for your relationship?
2024-07-2532 minCrazy in LoveToo Much Therapy-Speak Can Ruin Your RelationshipMatt and Graham challenge the over-use of therapy-speak and psychobabble in relationships. What should you do instead of saying your "narcissistic" partner is "gaslighting" you, if in reality, they're just being annoying and a bit difficult?We reference our blogpost on the topic for Psychology Today which you can find here:https://www.psychologytoday.com/gb/blog/get-some-help/202407/too-much-therapy-speak-can-ruin-your-relationship
2024-07-1826 min
The Meaningful Life with Andrew G. MarshallGraham Johnston and Matt Wotton: Therapy: What It Is, Why it Works, How to Find the Right Sort.Good therapy changes lives: people stop worrying as much, they make better decisions, they are kinder to themselves and their loved ones, they achieve more at work, they can control their anger, they are able to stop destructive habits, they form loving relationships.
This week therapists Graham Johnston and Matt Wotton talk to Andrew about their new book, A Straight Talking Introduction to Therapy. Matt and Graham both experienced the transformative power of effective therapy, and both left lucrative, high-status careers to retrain as therapists. They discuss the evidence that therapy works, which type of therapy to c...
2024-03-2553 minThe Meaningful Life with Andrew G. MarshallMichelle Farris: Seven Signs You Might Be CodependentAre you a serial people-pleaser? Do you find all your self-worth at work? Or do you gravitate towards difficult partners, with problems you feel driven to fix for them?
These are some of the signs and symptoms of codependency. Codependency has a big impact on how we feel about ourselves, and may mean we keep repeating destructive relationship patterns.
In this episode, Andrew and psychotherapist Michelle Farris discuss the signs and symptoms of codependency, and Michelle identifies seven key signs you may be codependent. Michelle also shares her personal history of overcoming codependency.
Mi...
2021-11-1549 minThe Meaningful Life with Andrew G. MarshallGraham Johnston & Matt Wotton: Good Boundaries: The Foundation of Happy RelationshipsWe all know that good boundaries are pretty much essential if we want happy relationships. There is a lot of confusion, though, about what exactly a boundary is and how to make it work. Can we have too many boundaries? Should we ever compromise on the boundaries we set?
This week Andrew talks about boundaries with Graham Johnston and Matt Wotton, psychotherapists and co-founders of the London Centre of Applied Psychology. Matt and Graham share their own experiences of creating good boundaries in both love and parenting, and what it means if we are struggling to get...
2021-10-111h 03